L. Neil Smith's
Number 373, June 25, 2006

"Head Shots"

The Baby Shiloh: Chosen By God To Stop Global Warming
by Jonathan David Morris

Special to The Libertarian Enterprise

Former beard wearer and popular vote winner Al Gore has a new movie out this month called An Inconvenient Truth. In it, he makes the case that humans have but ten years to reverse course and stave off the horrors of global warming. Assuming this thesis is anywhere near true—and what the hell, let's just say it is—I can still think of at least three reasons why Iron Al's movie might not make a difference:

1. Because it's a movie: People may well walk out of theaters planning to fight global warming. That's great, but people may well walk out of Superman Returns planning to fly home.

2. Because he's Al Gore: Let's be honest with ourselves here. It doesn't matter if his facts are accurate, or if his intentions with this movie are genuine. He can tell every interviewer in the world this film has nothing to do with him running for president. I can think of at least 60 million Bush voters who aren't going to believe him, who will probably contribute to global warming on purpose just to spite him.

3. Because saving the world is like voting for president: I don't recycle. I also don't take elections seriously. This is no coincidence. In both cases, I realize I wield little personal power.

Now, all that said, I want to be more than the bearer of bad news here. I think An Inconvenient Truth is a convenient starting point for changing hearts and minds on the global warming issue. But in order to truly make a difference, I believe it needs some sort of marketing tie-in. People need to know this problem hits close to home. And they need to know it transcends mere politics. They need a reason to cross partisan boundaries—a reason to unite on the steps of Capitol Hill and hold hands and sing the Pledge of Allegiance and/or We Shall Overcome.

Only one thing can compel people to act this way. And that one thing is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby, Shiloh.

In order to stop global warming, Al Gore has to threaten to kill that baby.

I know this is going to make a whole lot of people a whole lot of uncomfortable. But when you get right down to it, it's the only way.

Just think about how big a deal this baby is for a moment. For months and months and months, the whole world watched and waited for word of its birth. We're talking about the whole world here. Moses never got this sort of press. Jesus never got this sort of press.

Now that it's born, this Shiloh kid's an even bigger deal than ever. Whole cults are practically popping up around the thing. It's weeks old and it's already starting fashion trends. Magazines are paying enough to feed whole countries—and even enough to feed small planets—just for pictures of the tyke. Why? Most of us want nothing to do with anyone else's baby pictures. Baby pictures annoy people. And yet, in the case of Shiloh, people—and People—just can't get enough.

This kid's soiled diapers would outsell almost anything else currently listed on eBay. There is very little chance that you, me, or anyone else reading this article will ever see as much money in our lifetimes as this stupid baby has already commanded in just under a month. This is power. Real power. And Al Gore would be crazy not to tap into it. Simply put, Shiloh is the only creature alive at the moment with the power to stop people's high-pollutin' ways.

What I'm proposing would take very little effort on Gore's part. And, if done correctly, it may take little actual infanticide on his part, too. Matt Lauer usually sets aside at least half an hour of Shiloh time each morning between war updates and domestic politics on the Today Show. Simply use that time to go on TV and let the People of Earth know they're facing two grave problems. One, global warming. Two, the clubbing of Young Brangelina like a baby seal. Then encourage them to log onto the official Inconvenient Truth website, climatecrisis.net, to learn how changing a light bulb and adjusting their thermostat can cool down the planet and ensure the continued existence of the world's most popular little poop factory.

And that's it.

I realize this solution is a tad unconventional. It may even be wrong in some sense or another. Or illegal. Or just plain not funny. But it's not intended to be funny. It's intended to save the planet. And I am certain it will work.

If I'm wrong? Well, then I'm wrong, and I'm sorry, and Shiloh dies a martyr, and polar bears start melting, and the oceans swallow New York. But if I'm right? Then by the time this kid's ten and stops being cute and starts doing coke in the bathroom at Drew Barrymore parties, the world will be a happier, healthier, and environmentally friendlier place.

Jonathan David Morris writes from Philadelphia. He can be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.


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