Bill of Rights Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 379, August 6, 2006

"Absolutely Shockingly Amazing"

Advertisements Are Usually Annoying
by Kevin Tulppo

Special to The Libertarian Enterprise

(Originally written as an e-mail to a friend in July '05.)

I saw a billboard today somewhere in Detroit that said "'Buzzed' Driving is still Drunk Driving." I'm here to tell you that that statement is just plain wrong—as well as an insult to successful drunk drivers everywhere.

How do I know this, you might ask? Well...I have been drinking successfully for sixteen years now. The overwhelming majority of the time I have driven myself. In addition, I have been driving professionally, in one capacity or another, for the majority of those sixteen years and in all that time I have been involved in only one accident and it was determined at the scene that I was not at fault. I have maintained for several years now that I have to be completely shitfaced to reduce the level of my driving skill to that of the average daily commuter. Many people assume that I'm trash-talking when I say this, but in every case I've stated it as an objective truth.

That said, it should be understood that "buzzed" doesn't even count in my book. "Buzzed" is a state of inebriation reserved for the weekend wine-cooler crowd. When it comes to drinking, these people are amateurs, weekend partyers that can't hold their liquor and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near alcoholic beverages in the first place. These are the kind of people who drink way too much way too fast and end up speeding off into the night (or even late afternoon), blinded by some ridiculous, alcohol-induced, emotional/psychotic episode, creating a fast-moving zone of extreme hazard wherever they go.

Who is more dangerous, I ask you? The twenty-one year old idiot who decided to try to drink their age in assorted shots or the seasoned veteran who has spent years cultivating a high tolerance for alcohol? Who would you rather have behind the wheel? Some frat/sorority imbecile with a penis painted on their forehead or someone who, through long practice, knows how to drive between the lines and knows where the cops like to camp at 4:30 AM on a Wednesday? In both cases I maintain that the latter is more desirable.

There is also the issue of advancing technology to consider. With automobiles featuring increasingly compact versions of all manner of communications media, a significant portion of drivers operate their vehicle, generally in moderate to heavy traffic, with their attention dangerously divided. Here's a girl breaking up with her latest stuntcock over the phone while barreling down the interstate at 90 mph. Here's a gangsta in a pimped-out SUV watching amateur porn on a DVD player mounted to the dashboard. Here's a jet-set IT type checking his email via PDA while he has the Investor's Business Daily splayed out across the steering wheel. The list goes on, and I'm telling you that these fuckers are the dangerous ones. Little ol' me, driving a straight shot all the way down Washtenaw to get home at 3 AM after communing with Mr. Daniels, is the least of society's concerns.

Driving drunk is simply a skill. And, as with all skills, practice makes perfect. I will match my drunk driving skills against those of the average sober middle-class soccer-mom any day.

As for the billboard—it's just another example of how the Nanny State wastes taxpayer dollars on more feel-good bullshit that only morons and/or self-appointed Morality Police would believe.

"Ye who are without sin..." as Jesus reportedly said. Would you believe that there once was a time in America when the paradigm of civic responsibility was enshrined in the phrase "Mind Your Own Business"?

Shit; Costa Rica looks better and better every day...


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