Bill of Rights Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 384, September 10, 2006

"In my book, I'm number one."


The Virgin Strikes Back
by E.J. Totty

Credit The Libertarian Enterprise

Dear JD,

Re.: "Tonight, We Dine On The Virgin Mary", by Jonathan David Morris [in the last issue.]

I have been commanded by the powers of the Virgin, to respond to your wisecrack remarks on how it is she appears in the most unlikely places:

Listen here, you little dickweed, your impertinence shall be addressed in short order!

Firstly, in reply to your questions?

To wit:

Why food?
Why the hell not? What is the most important thing people see at least twice daily? Certainly NOT the commode!

And besides, who in their right mind would see an image of myself in a puddle of urine, or a pile of. . .

Well, you get my drift. I don't hang out in such places anyway! So there!

Regarding Post-it Notes®?
What the hell does any of this have to do with those?!!

I don't need no steenking pieces of paper to make myself known, you, you, you heathen, you!

Back to the food issue.
Look: What is it that don't you get about 'high visibility?'

If people see my image in their food, then that connects DIRECTLY from their tummy to their noggin. Capiche? Savy? Goodie!

Yet MORE on the food issue.
At the risk of sounding risque, if people eat me, they will respect me less.

And what the hell is this crap about paper notes? Are you fixated with paper thingies?

And besides: If I were to leave you a paper note with my name affixed, would you believe the note more than an image affixed to an edible article?

Even MORE on the food issue.
Geez, you don't let up, do you?

If a piece of food had your girlfriend's face on it, what you do?

Would you fondle it, play with it, or save it as a memento?

Would you eat it? And if you did, just WHAT would be going through your mind?

With regards to that last question: Keep it clean, hoser!

Still more on the food issue.
Would you consider eating—as in consuming for food, your girlfriend? (And no, I'm not talking about her edible undies either!!)

Regarding vegetarians and eating?
If what you perceive is in fact a reflection of your beliefs, then vile pursuit of an article in violation of those beliefs would amount to hypocrisy. Would it not?

Regarding Jesus
Golly! You don't do much reading, do you?

He was a fisherman. Do you figure that he fished for the fun of it?!!

And, no, I ain't talk'n about some card game either, you fool!

How do you suppose he demonstrated his ability to walk upon the waters?

Do you think he was 'out there' to water ski, or something. . . ?

Cool, you ask?

Try walking upon the waters some time, and then tell ME how cool that is!!

In the matter of breakfast cereals.
I'll suppose next that your baked potatoes will start discussing politics too?

What if you bite into a hefty steak, and it moos at you?

What if barks or meows? What then?

Regarding confusing images.
What if one morning, you start shaving and discover that you're actually shaving your balls instead of your face? Will you decide to grow a beard?

In the matter of Bill O'Reilly.
What's that old saying about 'fools of a feather conniption together?'

Regarding your sunglasses.
Look here, dingdong can you remember what you ate 5 years ago yesterday, at suppertime?

Did you burp when you were done eating?

If so, why?

If not, why not?

When you can truthfully reply to those questions, I'll tell you who stole your glasses!

Regarding the bathroom.
See my remarks above—stoolboy!

Another remark regarding the bathroom
When you pee, do you look at where your urine is going, or do you just pee into free space—with wild abandon?

Regarding painted pictures of myself.
Honestly! Why on Earth would I even think about 'appearing' in a picture of myself?

Wouldn't that be counterproductive?

Would you care to see two of yourself in every picture of yourself—everywhere you went? A question regarding the last.
Why should I do such a thing? Vanity does not suit my style. If I appear once—for the benefit of all, twice in one place would appease only the likes of yourself! Remember: Once is a miracle, twice is empirical, so numeracy would be heresy!

Regarding Hasselhoff?
What brand are you seeing that on?

Regarding matters of the Prophet.
Time stands still for no man. The underwriters of doom write their own epitaph.

The rest of us merely watch them engage in their own self-destruction.

When you find that you can't laugh at yourself, then you've taken yourself way too seriously!

Chocolates, you say? Care to send some my way? Hmmm, sweetie?

Regarding numbers
Oh, Jonathan David, ye wound me with your attempt at temptation!

One to three, ye ask?

In my book, I'm number one.

You are therefore, number two. . . Get my drift?

So, it must be the number three!

In the matter of James Lipton
Oh, I've thought about this much!

How about: 'The 79th's Farewell to Gibraltar' with 300 pipes and drums?

Oh my! The glory of it all, watching such a sinner being marched off into the infernal blazes!!

Regarding a dinner date
Piss-off, you wiener!

I'll show up when hell freezes over!


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