Rotund People of the World, Unite!

by Scott Paul Graves
[email protected]

Special to TLE

           So, the latest scare in the media has started, this will most likely lead to a whole new set of regulations in time. This bugaboo has all the markings of the tobacco scare, the gun scare, and the drug scare. They point out how the person who is affected is a victim of the industry, and how we must give our support to these poor pathetic people. What industry is the new target of the victim creation machine? Who are these poor victims that walk among us?
           Well, the evil industry is fast food and the victims are fat people. Of course, what is "fat"? If we look to the evil black box for the average, then anyone with more than 1% body fat is overweight. Those anorexic critters make me wince. When ever I see such a thin woman, the first thing I want to do is feed her a steak, maybe a baked potato with sour cream and bacon. After a few months of healthy eating, and in most cases a personality transfer, they might be attractive. I personally like my rotund figure, and am madly in love with a woman whose curves I find beautiful as well. We plan on having a few round children and be known as the scourge of the All You Can Eat Buffet. To any of you losers looking for victims, you can pry our cheeseburgers from our cold dead fingers.
           Perhaps these do-gooders are actually concerned about me, perhaps they believe my french-fry induced coronary will cost the poor overburdened taxpayer too much, perhaps they are afraid that I will go mad with sugar and run rampant with a shotgun. Why they want to tell me how many state-authorized calories I can consume each day doesn't matter, the problem is the bureaucrats and politicos will gladly take their well meaning idiocy to heart to win a few more votes and regulate the hell out of my second favorite hobby, eating.
           The most important question is never asked by these media types when one of these scares comes up. The talking heads never ask the simple question of should the government be involved in our health. They always assume that the government should be involved in every aspect of your life. Note that I say here "YOUR" life. They want government as far away from their elitist well ordered lives, but they want your pathetic meaningless chaotic life organized by professionals. They remind me of the kids who volunteered to be hall monitors in elementary school.
           I am sick of hearing from my alleged betters, telling me what I should do. These elitist snobs stick their noses into our lives, "for our own good" of course, and want to pass all sorts of laws. Of course their own favorite activities are never regulated. Those are sacred pastimes that are beyond all need for regulations. Only the favored pastimes of the lower classes are needing a severe looking into. I say its time to strike back at these meddlers.
           Rotund people of the world unite! No longer shall we walk with our eyes downcast in a world that berates us for our size. No longer will we calmly take the insults of those anorexic sheep who follow the herd. No longer will we diet and starve ourselves to try to become acceptable in the doe-like eyes of the ignorant bulimic masses. We shall crush these meddling Barbie and Ken dolls beneath the evidence of our culinary enjoyments! The next pathetic waif that demands of me, "Diet, eat less, Americans are too fat!" shall be sat upon, and crushed beneath my burger induced gluteus spread!
           Let this call go out to every All You Can Eat Buffet, every Burger King and McDonalds, every greasy spoon and steak house. You may call me fat, you may call me a pig, but get between me and my double cheese burger with curly fries and you will find out what over two hundred pounds of hungry human can do to your ninety eight pound diet damaged skeletal structure. Bring some jack booted friends you health nazis, you'll need 'em. Now, where did I put those chips, all this talk has made me hungry.

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Scott Paul Graves
President and CEO of Lawyers Guns and Money Limited
http://members.home.net/lockman2/lgmindex.htm
e.mail [email protected]

I am not a number! I am a free man! - Number 6

"Kill the Beast! Cut His Throat! Spill His Blood!"

A sampling of the projects that members of Congress secured for their home states and districts in the $390 billion budget bill passed last week:

• $7.9 million for headquarters and a visitor center for the Alaska Maritime National Wildlife Refuge in Homer, Alaska

• $2 million to combat the spruce bark beetle infestation on Alaska's Kenai Peninsula

• $5.5 million to bail out the financially strapped Alaska SeaLife Center, an aquarium, learning center and research facility that has been unable to pay its construction costs

• $9 million for the Medical University of South Carolina

• $3 million to Low Country, S.C., for a three-county police computer network

• $18.6 million for Dartmouth College in New Hampshire for the National Infrastructure Protection Center

• $2 million for the University of Mississippi's phytomedicine project

• $1.4 million to Texas A&M University for research in deepwater oil and gas development

• $1 million for a Florida youth crime-watch initiative

• $800,000 to Spelman College in Atlanta to renovate a health-care center for women

• $100,000 to the Philadelphia Orchestra's Philly Pops to operate a school jazz program

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Source: http://www.austin360.com/statesman/editions/today/news%5F13.html

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