Count Me Out!, by Minority Mike

Special to TLE

Hey! Hey you! That's right knucklehead, you! Pull yer face outta that damned television set for a minute and come over here. I wanna pull on yer coat about something.

Remember that DUI I got about twenty years back? Well it wasn't my fault! When that cop stuck his face in my window and asked me how I was doing I got confused. I thought I was at McPoliceman's and that's why I told him to give me two cheeseburgers all the way. I meant to walk a straight line, but I was seeing three of them and I guess I walked the wrong one by mistake. I didn't mean to put any numbers in the window of that little machine he made me blow into. Honest! It was an accident and I want it taken back. I demand a recount on this travesty of justice!

Remember Thurlene Thunderthighs, the prom queen back in high school? She didn't mean to call me a zit-faced circus person. She meant that comment for Chad Roughnsore, the football quarterback. Thurlene had something in her eye at the time and it was all a big mistake. Go ask her an' see if I'm not right, I dare you! Let's run it by her again and get to the bottom of this.

All those sports teams I've rooted for over the years? The ones that lost the big game? It was an accident, swear to God! They didn't know they needed a three point shot at the two minute warning of the bottom of the ninth. They really, really meant to put some points on the board, but they just couldn't do it in time! C'mon, be a good sport, let's give 'em another shot at winning the big one okay? It's only fair, and it's the American thing to do besides.

That silver star a certain vice-drooper got shafted out of in Viet Nam? The one you guys gave to the grunt who saved three of his platoon and took out an NVA bunker? Clearly there was something fishy going on there! I mean hell's bells, here's a guy who was the fastest typist in the history of The Stars and Stripes and you guys go and give his medal to some guy with mud and blood all over his uniform! What a gyp. Boy the fix was in there I'd say. I demand a recount!

Speaking of WW Nam, what the hell happened there anyway? We were winning when I left! The president even said so. Go ask a judge if you don't believe me. Now they're telling me we lost! How can that be? Somebody get drunk and declare a winner too soon or something? This needs to be checked out real soon, preferably by friends of mine. Let's tally this up again and see what really happened.

What about that mess going on down there in Florida? Did everybody in the state decide to put some LSD in their orange juice at the same time or what? I hear they sent Janet Reno and a gunnysack full of lawyers down there to straighten things out. Wonderful. That makes about as much sense as sending gasoline to a forest fire! I don't know how it's all going to end up, but brother you can count me out!

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at [email protected]

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Count Me Out!

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Count Me Out!

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