Biggun Stump Sounds Off!

by Minority Mike (Michael J. Bates)
[email protected]

Special to TLE

           Hit the dirt ya knuckleheads! Batten down the hatches! Katie bar the door an' every man for himself! Biggun Stump has got the hog jaws an' that ain't good. Now'd be a good time for y'all to be very afraid!
           It all started when I stopped by The Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back) on my way home to shoot our ol' goat, J. Reno. My ol' woman, Margaret, had called an' told me that J. Reno chewed the rope on my flagpole, which caused the flags to fall down. Then she went an' ate my great great granddaddy's Confederate Battle Flag! It's the end of the line for that walkin' carpet, I swanee! First let me tell ya about Biggun.
           Biggun Stump is well named. He goes about 6'10" an' weighs in around 325. He's got a head the size of a 21" color Magnavox an' his shoulders are wide enough to hang a billboard sign on. On the back of his jeans it says "Wide Load!" an' he once held up the front of my truck while I changed the oil. When Biggun sits down to eat, you'd best be in another room, 'cause he sucks all the air outta the one he's eatin' in. For all that, he is the gentlest, kindest man I know. I've only seen him Cosmic Angry twice -- once when The Last Ditch Attempt Armed Bears lost the state high school football championship to the Nodaway County PC Limp Richards on a bad call by a Democrat ref. Biggun grabbed the football outta that ref's hand an' ate it, then he got angry. Things turned out okay though, since the stadium was scheduled to be torn down anyway an' folks all helped get the ref down outta the tree Biggun threw 'im in.
           The other time was today, when he come home an' found his daughter, Axanna, watchin' Rosie O'Donnell shill for Hillary-Rodham-Clinton-Rodham on TV. The TV is up on the roof now an' Biggun's wife, Ima, made Axanna go to her room to memorize The Bill of Rights. Biggun won't let me go home til I write out a list of some of the other Rosie O'Fools that bring him grief.
           This here's Biggun's list of what he calls navel lint...
           SEAN "PUFFY" COMBS -- This village thug recently got himself indicted for bribery and possession of a stolen gun. Combs claimed he didn't even own a gun and Biggun would like to take this opportunity to tell him that's why they call the one they caught him with STOLEN! "Puffy" sent Hillary $1,000 in support of her crusade for criminals in New York and what's left of the free world. Howard Wolfson, Rodham-Clinton-Rodham's jive-speak-person, stated that Hillary's campaign planned on keeping the money because "we believe in the presumption of innocence." Apparently, church congregations in Texas don't rate that presumption. Sean's all for Swamp Thing 'cause he knows the only guns available in New York after she gets through will be his favorite kind, illegal ones.
           TIPPER GORE -- The Chinese translation of "Tipper" is: Show me the money! Seems Tipper's got her panties all in a bunch 'cause she suddenly found out The First Totalitarian ain't a nice person. Apparently the Second Ol' Battle-Axe just found out the Zipper-in-Chief lied about Monica an' now she's havin' a Maalox moment about it. Tipper ain't been this mad since she nodded off and fell outta the canoe her husband was paddlin' down a creekbed he ordered flooded. Somebody hide yer Prozac an' force you into a reality check there, Tipper? Biggun says, "Tipper over an' you'll find a Communist Chinaman passin' campaign contributions to her husband. How nice is that?"
           JOHN McCAIN -- Little John has decided that any church folks who disagree with him are "evil." Luke Lietalker says Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell are right wing fundamental extremists! He also lobbed some grenades at Al Sharpton and Louis Farrakhan on the left. What the hell's goin' on here? Where's all them First Amendment defenders? Why isn't this man bein' hammered for the hate mongerin' charlatan he is? All you Mormons, Catholics, Bhuddists, Muslims, Jews, Protestants, Baptists and any other religious groups had best watch out for the likes of Senator McCain. Demonizing people's religion is EXACTLY what Hitler did 70 years ago and look what happened when he got away with that! If these people are extremists, what's that make Jesus and His Daddy? Is Moses a Libertarian? Were Joseph and Mary card-carryin' communists? I reckon the archangel Michael was an extremist fer sure. Little John, Biggun says YOU'RE the one soundin' extreme.
           HYPHENS -- What is it with these things anyhow? The Feminazis started this fad and now it's gotten totally out of hand. Mr.-Mrs.-Ms-Hiawatha-Shawanda-Gladys-Rodney-Simpleton-Jones, who happens to be a gay-lesbian-black-white-mexican-native-American-tree-hugger-animal- rights-lover-left-wing-physically-challenged-dim-bulb has an axe to grind! Road-Apples! Anybody who uses more than two names an' a middle initial is gettin' ready to bore ya to tears with whatever it is they're whinin' about this week and you can take that to the bank. Did you ever notice that the people who are always demanding equal treatment and social "oneness" for this or that always seem to be the ones who try to set themselves above and apart from the rest of us with this cheap trick of punctuation? Enough-Is-Enough!
           EDWARD KENNEDY -- Designated drunken crash-test dummy. Ted's been keeping a low profile lately, but he did surface from the muck where he feeds long enough to send the First Trailer Trash $2,000 in support of her campaign to become New York's newest elected felon. Can somebody explain to Biggun why a toss-pot senator from Massachusetts is allowed to send money to a Facist battle-hog from Arkansas so she can steal from the Village of New York? Biggun's guessing Teddy's hopin' Hillary will set him up with some women now that the ones in Massachusetts and Florida all run away when they see him and his nephews comin'. Hey Ted, lights on in that gigantic, empty head of yours, Hillary comes fully equipped with an assault-husband of her own! Biggun doubts the Pinocchio-in-Chief will share victims with ya, but he reckons you'll just have to drive off that bridge when you come to it.
           MARTHA STEWART -- Trendy dough-girl scullery maid with helpful household hints for the average two-Mercedes-and-a-Land Rover-family. She wants to be the First Fuherette's Chief Enforcer of The Village Taste Police. Martha has some wonderful ideas for "racial harmony" fund-raiser party seating and Biggun can't wait to see Al Sharpton snuggled up next to Chelsea at the next "Let's Start A Riot" benefit he attends. Stewart also plans to brighten up Bill's funeral after Hillary accidentally shoots him in a tragic Communist Chinese money grubbin' an' rape accident. Martha, who never met a blue blood she couldn't out-snob, sent $1,000 to the Hillary and assured her the event will be black tie an' white shotguns only.
           BRYANT GUMBEL -- Oppressed black man in $2,000 Armani suits who goes on national television every day and proves that walkin' around with your head up your butt will make you a celebrity. Bryant tries to pose as a William F. Buckley type of guy but he comes off more a Willy Wonka if ya ask Biggun. Arrogant, condescending and numb from the neck up, Bryant expounds on the virtues of Facism on a daily basis. Lover of Bill an' Hillary, producer of the Jesse Jackson rent-a-protestor show. A major recipient of gold from the pot at the end of the Rainbow Coalition, Bryant never met a totalitarian race-baiter he didn't like. Here's a guy who's so insecure he thinks Willard Scott's brain power will upstage him. If you're an average black person, ask yourself this, do you think Bryant would invite you to his house? If you're white, or any other color for that matter, an' not the president of the United States, you already know the answer.
           MARIA HSIA -- Communist Chinese money hustler who never met a Clinton or a Gore she couldn't bribe. Since the "mainstream" media blacked it out, Biggun thought you might like to know that this influence-buying little criminal was convicted the other day of funneling $100,000 to some Democratic candidates as well as to the Clinton-Gore campaign of 1996. Biggest surprise here is that the Totalitarian-in-Chief's "Justice Department" actually prosecuted and convicted a Clinton Communist loan shark! Hsia is one of Al Gore's principle fund raisers, by the way, and can anyone out there say, "Bought And Paid For?" There are about 2,000,000,000 Communist Chinese out there and I'm wondering if they're all going to chip in to buy some Moo Goo Gai Gore. Does anything other than supporting The Bill of Rights constitute treason in this country anymore?
           AL GORE -- The original dirt the entire socialist left is as dumb as. Al's said, thought, written and done so many stupid and illegal things in his time that Guinness may have to start a whole new Book of Records. Here's a guy that can actually make Dan Quayle sound like Yoda. If you think Biggun's kiddin' just read these quotes from Al:

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"The future will be be better tomorrow."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

           Biggun's not makin' this stuff up, people. The Vice-Drooper himself uttered all these moronic statements and in order to stand by them he puked out another one to fellow socialist Sam Donaldson in August of 1993: "I stand by all the misstatements I have made", he drooled. Many thanks for clearin' THAT up Al. Does anyone out there REALLY want this room-temperature IQ to represent the United States? This man is so dumb he'd screw up a three-car funeral; and in the months to come, he'll be revealed for the treasonous thief he is. Al Gore was and is a major player in the "Clinton Legacy" which is right down there in the sewer with the Charles Manson, Benedict Arnold and Pee Wee Herman legacies. America deserves a whole lot better than this.
           Biggun says he's feelin' a little better now so he's goin' to let me head on home an' barbeque J. Reno. Ima wants him to get the TV down offa the roof an' Biggun said he'd do it if she'd take an oath to make a planter box out of the damned thing. Axanna has memorized The Bill of Rights an' is so excited she's startin' on the Federalist Papers! Them Stumps are country, but they ain't foolish.
           Y'all take care now hear.

Minority Mike, aka Michael J. Bates, can be reached at [email protected]
His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

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