The 80 Million Armed-Man March, by Michael J. Bates

Special to TLE

President Clinton "is willing to accept a certain level of killing to further his political agenda." -- Wayne LaPierre
"Rap Brown would be in jail and that sheriff would still be alive ... if the Clinton administration had done its job properly." -- Charlton Heston

Praise God an' pass the ammunition! Just when I'd given up on the NRA bein' anything other than a sewin' circle an' tea slurpin' party for castrato gun owners, Wayne LaPierre and Charlton Heston went out an' growed themselves some doo-dads! Those boys are the talk of the town in Last Ditch Attempt and the talk is GOOD! FINALLY, Wayne and Chuck found the courage to call Billy Jeff Clinton the lyin' two-faced varmint he is an' always has been. Pour it on Wayne, an' you too, Chuck, the truth may just set us ALL free.

Folks around town are all takin' the day off to write, call, email, telegraph an' carrier pigeon their so-called representatives to let 'em know NOW is the time to get offa their butts an' stand up for the Constitution! Wayne an' Chuck have finally gotten offa defense an' are givin' the Lyin' Sack-in-Chief some of his own medicine, which of course the Fascist weenie can't handle. Havin' heard the truth, somethin' that scares him numb, Billy Jeff got the vapors so bad he canceled all his intern-in-the-closet-dates and jumped on the first plane to Katmandu or somewheres so he could tell a bunch of foreign wogs how THEY oughta demand the disarmament of Americans. This works out well for Billy since none of them people speak English enough to know crap-speak when they hear it an' they won't argue with him. The boy can't take the pressure of hearin' the truth, I swanee!

Chuck an' Wayne are gonna take some heat now an' they'll need all the help they can get to fend off the ocean of sewage the liars of the liberal left are sure to dump on 'em. If you haven't demanded that YOUR empty suit of a representative support the folks of the NRA in their counter-offensive on the gun grabbers, stop readin' this right now and get after it! All ya have to do is tell the truth. Let them folks in Washington who claim to support the 2nd Amendment know y'all want to hear them supportin' it LOUD and CLEAR from now on.

George W. Bush, lights on in yer head boy! If you're the gun owner's friend you claim to be, now's the time to prove it. Trent Lott, kindly remove your nose from the cleft of the Constitution-Demolisher-in-Chief's buttocks an' act like the conservative you claim to be for once in your life. Alan Keyes, you an' Ron Paul an' Harry Browne get together an' show these other droopers that standin' up for The Bill of Rights won't give 'em all cancer or something.

When the Gun Owners of Ameria jumps in the middle of this fracas, the Draft-Dodger-in-Chief will apply as a cabin boy on the next gay an' lesbian Love Boat cruise, just you wait an' see. Compromise is somethin' GOA don't know or care anything about when it comes to the 2nd Amendment an' it'll be nice to have 'em around to prop up any of the spineless plant life that might be left on the NRA board of directors.

Biggun Stump is so excited about all this he's proposin' an 80 Million Armed-Man March to let the bottom feeders in the District of Criminals know that Wayne an' Chuck ain't standin' all by their lonesomes. Biggun says all you gun owners gotta do is show up at the Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back) at the same time an' he'll not only stand y'all a round on the house, he'll make sure the Last Ditch Attempt Armed Bears High School Marchin' Band is available for the parade! Ima and Axanna, Biggun's wife an' daughter, will be servin' homemade chili an' cornbread to all comers.

Harley Davidson Magnum, the owner of Harley's Guns & Bait Truck Stop, is volunteerin' to try an' get enough big rigs together to haul us all to Washington since the price of gas is so damn high we can't afford to take our pick-ups. The first 1 million truckers to show up get a tank of diesel and a Red Sovine tape for free! Harley's wife, Iona, says she'll put together enough PB & J sandwiches for everybody an' Newly Peterbilt, a local cement contractor, says he's willin' to have somebody fill his rig with potato salad fixins' which he'll mix while we're all on the road! I'm partial to sweet pickles in mine, Newly.

Zed Zonker, the owner down at Zonker's Guns & Bait Tavern, says he'll chip in a tanker truck fulla Dr. Pepper for the road an' another tanker or two of beer for evenin' libations an' he'll even spring for the pretzels an' Slim Jims! Many thanks Zed, you're a true American.

Thurlene Halfhitch, who owns the Last Ditch Attempt Fabric & Gun Blanket Knittin' Store (Night Crawlers Only in the back) is gettin' all the local women together to sew flags, Confederate AND Yankee, to hang on the sides of the trucks. Near as anybody can figure, Thurlene is older than 'possums an' it's well known she'll have no doin's with the Yankee flag on regular occasions. To everyone's surprise Thurlene said she'd make 'em though, if we thought it would help the cause of freedom an' we all promised not to tell any of the ladys down at the United Daughters of the Confederacy. Thurlene says she's just as pro American as the next person, Confederate-American that is.

The Last Ditch Attempt Huntin' & Fishin' Club (Guns & Bait Everywhere Ya Look) is pitchin' in with tents an' campin' equipment so folks can sleep out under the ozone-depleted sky an look up at the stars from the not-saved-yet earth. A few of the boys have got RVs and Airstreams and they're gonna load 'em on a couple of 18 wheel low-boys so the old folks can have indoor plumbing an' watch Wheel of Fortune an' such. Fishin' poles will be provided, but y'all bring your own lures now, hear?

The Guns & Bait Touch of Hollywood Beauty Salon & Tattoo Parlor is offerin' half-price haircuts an' FREE Confederate Flag tattoos to the first 15 million men that show up. So the ladies won't feel left out, Mr. Shirley, the owner, is gonna wash an' set every female head of hair he sees in his shop PERSONALLY. (His Bee-Hive Supreme is locally world famous!) As an added bonus, he's givin' away FREE American Flag "You-Staple-'Em" fashion nails!

Me an' my ol' woman, Margaret, are gonna provide horses, jackasses an' cattle for people to ride in the parade. Some of the nags are sway-backed, u-necked an just about glue-factory ready, but they'll serve the purpose an' I'm bettin' they perk right up when they figure out they've got more liberty in my pasture than they do in Washington D.C. The great thing about ridin' a cow is, who the hell's gonna stop ya? The jackasses in D.C. have been ridin' me for years an' I'm lookin' forward to turnin' the tables on 'em.

Folks around Last Ditch Attempt know it's damned important to support anyone who supports The Bill of Rights and The Constitution. We're hopin' y'all feel the same way an' we can't wait to see ya down at Biggun's. Let's get the 80 Million Armed-Man March started real soon. Bolts open an' magazines outta reach for the time bein'. Y'all take care now, hear.

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at: [email protected] His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

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