Oiling the Venom Machine, by Minority Mike (aka Michael J. Bates)

Special to TLE

I was over at the Guns & Bait Drug Emporium (Guns & Bait - Aisle 7) today an' who should wander by but Ms. Forevera Constant-Buttinski, Last Ditch Attempt's leading liberal an' all-around village idiot. When she's in her earth-toned-LexRover-yuppie-assault SUV, you can see Forevera comin' from miles away 'cause of all the bumper stickers she's got plastered all over it. Forevera wants the world to know she supports the whales, gays, trees, ozone, water, children, spotted suck toads, Hollywood, Bill an' Hillary, Al an' Tipper, "new math," feminism, blacks, browns, reds, greens, PETA an' her daughter, Futura, who's an honor roll student at the Politically Correct An' Educationally Bankrupt Day Care An' Advanced Personal Irresponsibility Whinin' Center School For The Future Brain-Dead And Can't Wait to Prove It In Public Of America. She also wants the world to know she detests me an' pretty much everything I stand for, so she writes a column for The PC Times And Air-Bag News every Sunday mornin' an' warns the world about the dangers of havin' people who can think for themselves runnin' around armed an' loose.

Forevera interupted my perusin' of the latest Shotgun News to inform me that she was soon goin' to have a DAILY column in which she was gonna start "layin' bare the truth about my bigoted, mean spirited, fully-armed, right-wing an' 'just plain poopy' opinions." I allowed as how it was a semi-free, totalitarian-run country an' she was free, within the limits of her own politically correct smooth-as-a-baby's butt brain, to write whatever the hell she wanted. She let me know her first column was goin' to consist of the praisin' of the virtues of the Traitor-in-Chief an' his demon spawn, Albert Gore.

This here's what you call my turn at equal scribblin' time.

ALBERT GORE - Rice-President in charge of gettin' himself elected Totalitarian-in-Chief of the Peoples Republic of Amerika. A man with the amazin' ability to make Al Sharpton look like a stand-up guy. Inventor of the illegal campaign finance contribution flip-flop machine. A liar of monumental proportions, who seeks to carry on the family tradition of graft, corruption and the enslavement of Americans. A transparent, tobacco-rich charlatan who's an expert at the use of smoke an' mirrors.

"I know firsthand what is wrong with the way we fund our political campaigns," says Al. Sure you do Al, you've been funding them illegally your entire political career. Even you ought to have learned something about bein' a gangster by now.

"Tony Coelho is doing a terrific job day after day. He will continue to do a terrific job," says Al. He's doing a terrific job of being investigated for his criminal actions as U.S. commissioner general of Expo '98 too, Al. He was employed there as a thief, which is what you hired him to do for you ain't it?

"I had to go to the bathroom," claimed Al, when the FBI asked him about illegal campaign solicitations made from his office. Your story doesn't hold water either, Al. I suggest layin' in a supply of Pampers.

Gore may be right about one thing: apparently there IS no legal authority who WILL control him. America simply can't survive an administration dedicated to disarming Americans while selling nuclear weapons capabilites to her enemies in the name of peace. Four years after Gore takes office, your cow will be sittin' in your recliner an' it will be open season on YOU as Al's PETA loons run riot. May as well move into your car, since Al won't let you drive it, an' Gore's earth savers will have your house declared an endangered species. Should this Chinese-communist shill be elected as Lyin'-Sack-in-Chief come November, this country is doomed!

WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON - Crap-Speaker-in-Chief. Poster boy for the most investigated, indicted, convicted and unethical administration in the history of America. Shameless assaulter of women, foreign nations, private enterprise, private property, and The Constitution of The United States. Totalitarian LIAR of criminally insane proportions.

This ruthless sociopath has the incredible gall to now claim, in the best "right-wing conspiracy theory" tradition, that those who would dissent from the views of his equally indictable wife are guilty of "cranking up the right-wing venom machine." Billy Jeff, this has got to be some of the most hypocritical crap-speak you've EVER spit out! Do you EAT with that mouth boy?

For goin' on eight years now I've listened as this village idiot has slandered me and mine. We've been labeled gun nuts by a man who refuses to punish criminals who assault the unarmed; religious nuts by a man who thinks the Bible is for holding up one end of the sofa in the trailer he used to live in; extremists by a man who thinks bombing thousands of innocents will bring peace; and racists by a man whose shameless pandering to race baiters of all stripes is contributing to the destruction of America on a daily basis.

Listen up, Billy Jeff, ya lyin' twerp. You've got the price of gas so high I can't leave my house or buy groceries without meltin' down the fillin's in my teeth. You've stolen millions of acres of what's supposed to be public land in the name of savin' it for the public. You've destroyed an all too willin' free press in the name of correct thinking. You've removed any dignity whatsoever from the nation with your drunken-frat-boy carryin' on. Hell's fire boy, damn near all I've got left is venom, that an' a mind of my own, which you won't get without a fight.

Y'all take care now, hear.

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at [email protected] His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

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