14 People That Chap My Hide, by by Michael J. Bates

Move over sheeple, make a hole dammit! Cranky middle-aged white man comin' through. This IS the smoking section, you twerp, an' if it ain't, it is NOW. It's been one hell of a day an' I wanna pull on yer coat about somethin' here. Gimme a long neck Pearl an' your attention.

Had a flat tire on my pick-up first thing this mornin' and don't you know, that itty bitty jack the safety Nazis demanded Ford put under the hood wouldn't lift a skateboard, much less a REAL vehicle. Try gettin' the spare out from under the back end without gettin' a concussion an' a double hernia at the same time, I dare ya. The whole damn day went like that! So I decided to stop by the Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back), on my way home to feed our fat ol' milk cow Hillary. Biggun Stump, the bartender, was there by his lonesome, and he had the TV tuned in to the car-wreck news. I made the mistake of lookin' at the infernal thing and it got me to thinking about the idiots they put on there to "entertain" and "inform" America. Sorriest bunch of cap-toothed empty suits and eye shadow junkies that ever breathed air.

These droopers really chap my hide.

KATIE COURIC - I'm tired of hearin' about how "cute 'n' perky" she is. Manic is what she is. She's also one of the farthest out feathers in the left wing television industry. I was "cute 'n' perky" like that one time an' the deputy made me take a field sobriety test. To hell with "cute 'n' perky," I want the truth!

RICHARD SIMMONS - This sawed off little gender bender looks like Son-of-Liberace in silky little short pants to me. Why is this shemale so damn popular? If he's such a great dietician, how come all those women that coo over him look like Green Bay Packers interior linemen? Another good question is what were me an' Biggun doing watchin' the little weirdo in the first place?

WALTER CRONKITE - A lot of us grew up with this guy, and next to John Wayne, he was about as pro- America as you could get. Everybody trusted Walter. Hell, he used to be in schools back before the NEA turned them into socialist reeducation camps. He used to host those "You Are There" movies they'd make you sit through in junior high school history class. Some actor would drive a golden spike in Utah, and there'd be Walter telling you how this was the beginning of kicking the crap out of the commies. Now all of a sudden, he's runnin' around shillin' for Billy Jeff Clinton, the UN, global government (pronounced slavery), affirmative action, cultural diversity (pronounced slam white America for all your problems), gun control (pronounced law abiding Americans give us your guns, you criminals can keep yours), and a whole pile of other nonsense designed to turn America into the next third world gulag. Walter, hey Walter, wake up dammit, what the hell happened here!!? Somebody slip a mickey in your Viagra milkshake or something? Get a grip pal and take a look in the mirror. Are you in there?

SPIKE LEE - He said: "Charleton Heston should be shot with a .44 Bulldog." Spike wants gun control all right, just as long as he and his totalitarian bros are the ones controlling them. Spike is black by the way, and Chuck Heston is white. Go to jail Mr. Lee, do not pass GO and do not make another highly overrated black exploitation movie. You have committed a "hate crime." Now THAT'S a level playing field. How ya like it so far?

JOHN McCAIN - S&L thief, pampered elitist snob, school yard bully, abortion flip-flop artist, "campaign finance reform" fraud, socialist agenda puke, and one really, really weird lookin' guy, all rolled in to the original putrid package nobody with any sense would touch with a ten foot pole. I know you're not the only hair ball runnin' for office, but right now you're the biggest burr under my saddle. Listen up little John, you are NOT a war hero, you are a war SURVIVOR. I happen to personally know a few returned POWs, and you shouldn't be allowed to stand under the same sun with them. I don't discount your service, Mr. bank robber, service to one's country is an honorable thing. But I detest your attempted march to the White House over the bodies of the men I served with in Viet Nam. You should be ashamed. Then you should be indicted.

DIANE FEINSTEIN - Educated in the San Francisco tradition of gay-think-a-roni, this air-headed fashion zombie is like the tin foil we've all bitten down on at one time or another. A lap-dog for Billy Jeff to tease with cigars and other left wing "for the children" sex education toys. The first thing this hypocrit did after Harvey Milk got dusted out in California twenty five years ago was to run out and get a gun permit. The second thing she did was to initiate legislation that would disarm the rest of us. Joined at the lip with Barbara Boxer, another feminist dim bulb, she continues to whine on in the best Hillary tradition. Big ol' waste of skin is what she is.

ALEC BALDWIN - Another Hollyweird advocate of murder for peace. Mr. Baldwin, on national television no less, demanded the death by stoning of Henry Hyde and his entire family. This is the enlightened opinion of a fella who thinks dogs are an endangered species, cats should be sued for wearin' fur and The Bill of Rights is the menu at Planet Hollywood. 'Nother hate crime here Alec, hope you an' Spike meet lots of new and interesting folks in jail. Specially in the shower.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT - Now let me get this straight. The IRS steals my money in order to pay this bag-lady lookalike, (my apoligies to honest bag-ladies everywhere), to run around the world settin' us up to be the United Nations of Amerika. That about the size of it? I want my money back, NOW. Toss yer bedroll on the UN floor Madeleine and STAY there. I'll have some "peacekeepers" along shortly to gas, shoot, bomb and burn you until you are completely "globalized."

JESSE JACKSON - Other than runnin' all over the place knockin' people down in order to get in front of any camera in sight, can anybody out there tell me what this man does for a living? Has he ever had a real job? I can't afford to take my ol' woman out for a steak at Buford's Guns & Bait Roadhouse more than once a month. But this-as far as I can tell-unemployed, self-serving big mouth manages to get from Wisconsin to Tierra del Fuego, an' anywhere else he wants to go, at the drop of a hat. I gotta wonder, has he been dippin' into the pot-o-gold under that Rainbow he's always talkin' about? I'm not impressed by a guy in a $1,000 suit standin' in the middle of a gang of crack heads talkin' about how I oughta be helpin' 'em. Help 'em what? Adjust the sights on their stolen guns so they get tighter shot groups when they're doin' drive-bys? Stick a crowbar in yer wallet Jesse an' help 'em yourself. Better yet, get a REAL job and set an example. Quit shirkin' an' get workin' as you might say.

DONALD TRUMP - This guys employs a lot of folks, an' that's a good thing fer sure. But ye Gods 'n' little fishes, where did he EVER get the idea that anyone gives a hoot about his "politics?" Forget the Reform party, Don, they've got enough trouble. Start your own party, why don't ya? You already know how to lie, cheat and steal. Lord knows you've got the cash and the smarmy grin. Here's some ideas to get you started. You could call it the "Great-Big-Ol'-Comb-Over-And-Half-A-Gallon-of-Hair-Spray-Party." You could run on the "Lobsters-And-Self-Absorbed-Fashion-Models-Ticket." You could stand on the "Get-Behind-Me-And-Stay-There-Platform." At rallies, the band could wear "The Donald" masks and fright wigs and play "The Wonder of Me." I'm just spit ballin' here, but it might work. Use any of these ideas you want, just as soon as you pay me my copyright fees and promise to campaign on another planet.

JANET RENO - Let's get somthin' straight here right from the git-go. Janet Reno does NOT have a disease that makes her shake. The real story here is that there's a wire up her butt that runs directly to a little button on the Zipper-in-Chief's desk. Any time he thinks she might break down and tell the truth about anything, Bill pushes the button and Lady Reno gets 110 volts up her pooper. You'd shake an' lie too, if you knew that was the price you'd have to pay for bein' honest. Just thinkin' about it makes me shakey. Now that we've got that out in the open, so to speak, you can stop feelin' sorry for her and start demanding her indictment. The slaughtered of Waco demand it. That was a church, full of women and kids! They were gassed, shot and burned! If you think that can be "justified," or "explained," in any way, by any body, then stop readin' this right now an' go turn yourself in to this criminal so she can "protect" you. Me and mine can take care of ourselves, thank you very much. Anybody else that wants to "protect us" had better bring their lunch, 'cause I swear to ya, it's gonna be a long day.

YASSAR ARAFAT - Official terrorist peacemaker. I think he's really Ringo Starr with a dish towel wrapped around his head. Think about it, have you ever seen the two of them together? I suppose he's not any worse than the official terrorist peacemaker on the other side he's always arguing with, but that Ringo thing bothers me. Get rid of him an' see if those people over there can get things settled down. It's worth a try, an' you gotta admit, things aren't gettin' any better the way they are.

JERRY SPRINGER - This guy is not only the bottom of the barrel, he's gone through the bottom and now resides in the sewer lines under the house. How can one man find so much trailer trash, and so many pathetic, room temperature IQs, an' get 'em all on TV at the same time? In truth, it ain't Springer that makes me salty. Hell, he's just another snake oil salesman in a cheap suit. No, it's the fact that this sort of brain-dead sewage is so wildly popular in America today that riles me. It's just plain ol' disturbing. I'm not gonna say things couldn't get any worse. Every time I do, some walkin' piece of fecal matter like this comes along and proves me wrong.

BILL OWENS - Turncoat Governor of Colorado. Seems Mr. Bill got himself elected on a platform that included a pro-gun plank. Now he's doing everything he can to make sure law abiding folks in Colorado can be assaulted nice 'n' legal-like by the scumbags that don't pay any attention to laws in the first place. This here is the kind of thing that just gets me hotter than the salsa down at Renaldo's Guns & Bait & Mexican Fiesta Bar & Grill. Another lyin'-outta-both-sides-of-his-mouth-at-the-same-damn-time-politician! I make a motion that nobody named Bill ever get elected for anything in America as long as I'm alive. This squishy, low-rent fool says takin' guns away from honest citizens will insure that things like that mess at Columbine High don't happen again. Just how many of them honest folks that voted for you were shootin' up that school, you moron??? Them two whacked-out kids broke upwards of 30 laws that are ALREADY on the books! You think passin' some more will change anything? That there is what I hafta to scrape offa my boots after walking in the pasture before my ol' woman will let me in the house! I don't know what the folks in Colorado are going to do with you, but I'D be lookin' for a rope an' a tall tree to introduce you to. You hear what I'm sayin' boy?

Along about this time Biggun told me I had to leave 'cause he was closin' early so's he could get over to the Guns & Bait Movie Complex & Pistol Range in time to see a Meryl Streep retrospective. I'm 6'3'' an' go about 250 pounds, but Biggun Stump could eat apples off the top of my head, stem, seeds, an' all, so I didn't question his choice of entertainment. Besides, it's supposed to be a free country, an' if Biggun wants to watch Meryl leak around the eyes, that's his look out.

I sure enough didn't get to all the fools out there that chap my hide, but you get the idea. Chances are there's somebody I missed that's puttin' a flat tire on the motorcycle of YOUR life. If that's the case, let me know an' maybe we can get together some day an' shred 'em.

I've got to get on home now an' milk Hillary before she starts howlin' 'n' stompin' her feet like her namesake has been known to do. Y'all take care now hear.

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