Tipper's Family Values, by Minority Mike

Special to TLE

I reckon Biggun Stump will listen to me from now on when I give him a piece of advice. Biggun come up with the bright idea of hostin' a couple of Republicrat/Demicon convention viewin' parties down at the Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back) an', even though I predicted dire consequences from subjectin' folks to such evil doin's, he went ahead and done it. Well, he no more than got the mess cleaned up after the riot that happened when the Republicrats was wimpin' out an' panderin' to the brain-dead by paradin' a whole pile of wogs across the stage, when along comes the Demicon convention and things really got out of hand! Biggun was smart enough to make everybody check their guns at the door, but he failed to frisk 'em an' that's how all them rocks from the parking lot wound up in the Saloon. The trouble started just as soon as the first left-wing dim bulb got on the tube to tell America what a great guy Al Gore was an' how he'd invented everything from Pop Tarts to clip-on ties. Biggun had failed to provide barf-bags for his customers an' before you could say "for the children," the floor an' most of the customers was covered with puke! By the time Al came on, Waylon Upyorn had made Forevera Constant-Buttinski (Last Ditch Attempt's local liberal) eat three of them little pink things they put in the urinals, an' the bumper pool table was on fire! Biggun had the foresight to string chicken wire across the front of his big screen color Sony, but that didn't stop the pinball machine Harley Davidson Magnum heaved through it. Along about then, Sheriff A. Harry Butt II showed up an' made everybody go home after takin' a oath not to watch anything on television ever again. Folks hereabout get right salty when they're bein' lied to by a gunnysack fulla thievin' whores tellin' 'em they know what's best for their wallets an' their families. One of the featured harlots in one of the convention peep shows was none other than the glassy-eyed wife of the Vice-Dipstick.

TIPPER GORE - Tipper over and you'll find a half a bottle of valium. Tipper has a knack for getting reporters to ask her about her depressions, then she spends fifteen minutes putting them into a coma telling them how she doesn't want to talk about it. Here's a tip for ya Tipper, of course you're depressed, you're married to Al Gore! Great balls of fire, ya nitwit, that'd make any sane woman want to fall on her sword! I get depressed just lookin' at that empty suit of clothes! Seems Tipper got the vapors recently because Al Jr. got busted for driving Daddy's car at 100 mph. Does Tipper, the wannabe first-village-mother, ground the little twit an' make him mow the White House lawn for a month or something like any normal mom would do? No, instead she threatens him with the Secret Service! "They'll keep a good eye on you!" she's supposed to have bellowed. Is this how it works at your house? When your daughter doesn't wash the dishes like she's supposed to, do you call in the ATF? If your son gets caught ditchin' school, do you dial 911 and get SWAT on his case? If your teenager gets caught drinkin' a beer, do you immediately call the press and demand the story be kept out of the papers? I think not. Anybody who has to resort to calling in federal officers to babysit a lead-footed 17 year old boy -- at taxpayers' expense no less -- should damn well shut their mouths when it comes to telling you and me how to raise a family! If Al and Tipper Gore are willing to turn the supervision of their own children over to federal agents -- not for safety's sake mind you, but because they are unable to discipline them themselves -- what do you think they're willing to do to your kids when they get out of line? What do you think they're willing to do when they think you or I get of of line by doing something radical like getting them and the federal government the hell out of our lives? Kids do what they're told because they respect their parents, not because their mother and father threatened them with the wrath of some armed government thug. Kids respect their parents and the rights of others when they are raised to accept the consequences of their own actions. Not because they are threatened with deportation to the nearest "Janet Reno Day-Care And Child-Murdering Center". Here's another tip for ya Tipper, swallow another downer, take another hit off the bong, sit back and shut the hell up about how folks ought to be raising their families. Your hipocracy is showing and it sure ain't pretty.

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at [email protected] His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you send him.

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