The Trouble With Beavers, by Minority Mike

Special to TLE

Lights on in yer heads, people! Those of ya out there that'd still like this country to be the Republic it was supposed to be before the leftist sneakweenies among us took over, had best lock, load and hat up. Freedom as you'd like to know it is under attack by an 'axis of evil' you won't hear about from that corrupt pile of human sewage in D.C. Our "representatives" don't have the onions to take on these terrorists. In fact, some of them ARE these terrorists! These terrorists' attacks on private property, common decency and common sense will have us all livin' behind barbed wire and wearin' stripey pajamas right damn quick if we don't get after 'em, I Swanee! The terrorists I'm referrin' to of course are Beavers. Elitist, whinin' brain-dead, I-know-what's-better-for-you-than-you-do, pay-for-what-I- want, do-it-for-the-children, nothin'-is-too-depraved, busy as hell, dogoodin' Beavers! You think I'm poppin' red smoke over nothin'? Look here an' see if I'm not right.

A whole pile of nitwits calling themselves The United States Students Association is demanding that every college and university in America provide what they call "gender-neutral" bathrooms for "transgender students." Transgender is described as people who dress and live as the opposite of whatever sex they are but haven't gotten around to having their youhoo's rearranged. According to Kristy Ringor, their spokeswoman/man/whatever, transgender students have, "a problem with bathrooms" that are for men or women only. "They face a risk of being assaulted if another person in there doesn't think they belong. If a person is not safe in a college bathroom, that person won't necessarily be able to go to college," Miss/Ms/Mr. Ringor whined.

Now let me get this straight. The gender benders are afraid to go into the bathroom they're supposed to 'cause somebody normal might pass a remark or a fist that would lump up their inner child or smear their mascara or something. Furthermore, the schools are now supposed to fork over the cost of building Mr. Shirley and Miss Rodney their own personal sandboxes so they can practice their waste elimination "lifestyles" without fear of being stared at. Which is exactly what they want in the first place! That about the size of it? Crapola!!! Listen up children. If you want to shed your frock, strap on some bib- overalls an' run around singin' "There is Nothing Like A Dame," be my guest. If you're wantin' to trade in your steel-toed boots for a pair of patent leather pumps an' a miniskirt to wear while you prance around singin' "I Enjoy Being A Girl," that's up to you. However, should you happen to wander in to Biggun Stump's Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns 'n' Bait in the back), I strongly suggest you head outside and look for a "gender neutral" bush when nature calls. Biggun's not about to pay for you to flaunt your perversions in his place of business, or in places like the schools the state wants him to send his kids to, either! If you're feelin' this attitude puts you "at risk," memorize this lesson. Life its own self is a risk. You make your own choices an' take your own chances. If you've just got to play dress-up, do it at home, in your own damn bathroom.

For additional evidence of terrorist dogoodin' Beavers, look no further than Naperville, Illinois, and Pima County, Arizona. These two leaders in PC lunacy recently passed laws requiring all new homes to be handicapped accessible! The increased costs in construction of wider interior doors, larger bathrooms and bathroom walls reinforced to accommodate handrails will, of course, be passed on to the new home owner. This usurping of private property rights is being hailed by some as a great victory for the "visitability movement." "Being sensitive to the needs of a growing segment of the population is the most important thing," spewed a Chicago lawyer named Daniel Lauber, who specializes in "planning issues."

Now let me get this straight. Anybody who buys a new home will now be required buy one that suits the specifications of somebody who doesn't even live there? Will the added construction costs, hence the higher price and property taxes, be passed on to the folks who've already got all the best parking places? Speaking of parking places, do we have to build a new one of those, too? If my new home has more than one level, do I have to put in an elevator so my handicapped visitor can feel free to visit every room? Do I have to hire somebody in a bellhop costume to run the elevator? What ever happened to being sensitive to the needs of private property owners?

Before you start writin' me letters about what an insensitive cretin I am, consider this: I am a minority of one with a few handicaps of my own. Are you willing to pay for a house I may or may not decide to visit one day? Here are a few of my requirements. I'm 6'3" tall, so right off the bat I want every base cabinet, counter top, sink and shower head in every new home in America raised six inches. I broke my back in '74 and my knees ain't worth a hoot, so I want all the toilets fitted with hydraulics so they can raise up an' catch me, then lower me down to a comfortable position when I do my business. I'm a fat man with weak eyes, so from now on you're all going to have to have an industrial strength recliner in your living rooms as well as a cable- ready, big-screen TV. I want the remote pre-programmed to ESPN, The History Channel and whatever station is showing old John Wayne movies so my arthritic fingers won't be discriminated against. Over the chair I want a sign showin' a profile of a fat guy with a red neck an' a hard hat. This will let y'all know that this space is reserved for the minority of Mike. Now, do you consider this a fair addition to the "visitability movement," or does it smell like a bowel movement?

Dogoodin' Beavers are everywhere. They all want you an' me to give 'em what they want, whether we like it or not, and then pay for the cost of givin' it to 'em. The trouble with Beavers is this: When it comes to reproduction, Beavers are prolific as hell! So, whereas the socialist tyrants who never met an unconstitutional law they didn't love, an' the nanny-state lovin' feebs who look to them for permission for their very existance, will soon be feeling all warm, fuzzy an' self-righteous - the rest of us had better be watchin' where we step. Pretty soon we're all gonna be up to our butts in Beavers!

Y'all take care now, hear.

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at [email protected] His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

T
H
E

L
I
B
E
R
T
A
R
I
A
N

E
N
T
E
R
P
R
I
S
E