It Ain’t Easy Being Me, by Minority Mike

Special to TLE

Despite my best efforts an’ considerable years of experience, another birthday has managed to sneak up from behind and coldcock me. Damnation! In the words of Mickey Mantle, "If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." Or maybe it was Yogi Berra, I can’t remember. I’ve always heard that wisdom comes with age, but I’m here to tell ya it’s a damned lie. Accordin’ to the experts, an’ my oh my there seems to be a gunnysack full of the socialist muckspouts out there, I’m dumber than a box of rocks. I like to Bar-B-Q on a sunny day, but accordin’ to the environmental nitwits, both pleasures will give me cancer an’ pollute the air. I like to fish. PETA says I’m goin’ to hell for bein’ a bass terrorist. I like to look at a pretty girl from time to time. The feminazis say that makes me a sexist pig. I’m a white man, which makes me the scum of the earth accordin’ to damn near everybody! How I’ve managed to shuffle along for 52 years - declining the "help" of those who know what’s best for me - without puttin’ somebody’s eye out with a stick or somethin’ is a damn mystery! Here’s a couple more things I can’t figure out. I tell ya, it ain’t easy bein’ me.

GUN CONTROL - They’re not getting quite as much press as they used to, but the Brady bunch and a whole pile of other tyrannical gun sissies are still out there, and brother you can take that to the bank. The communists at the U.N. demand the latest in automatic weapons protection for themselves while promising you and me an endless supply of Nerf Balls for our own defense. Between drunken family gang rapes, that great big empty head known as Ted Kennedy, and his Bill of Rights ignorant pals, continue to harangue us about how dangerous legal gun owners are because they pretty much take care of themselves and mind their own business, and they’d pretty much appreciate it if the bottom-feeding politicans would do the same. When not making movies that continue to glorify new lows in violence, substance abuse, rape, racially motivated murder and depravity in general, the self-absorbed denizens of Hollywood spew their ignorant venom at law-abiding gun owners at every opportunity. All of these nanny-state promoters claim disarming me will make everybody else safer and that’s where dumb old me gets confused. Back in ‘97 England took handguns away from everybody in the name of making them safe, and here’s what’s happened since then:

Crimes involving guns have TRIPLED according to the London Metropolitan Police. In Merseyside there were 57 shootings during the year ending last December, compared to 15 in the same period the year before. The Metropolitan Police Commissioner says "gun gangs" are spreading across the country, whereas previously they were confined to the poorer sections of London. According to Commissioner John Stevens, "The price of hiring or buying a gun has come DOWN because there are MORE guns circulating." According to England’s own Home Office statistics, crimes involving ILLEGAL handguns are at their highest level since 1993!

Before the idiots in Washington and the scumbags in Hollywood start demanding my disarmament, I suggest they move to England, rent a cottage in Dorking on Percy or someplace, and try defending themselves with the hot air they’re spewing. I’m just too dumb to pass a security test at the airport so I guess I’ll have to stay here and defend me and mine the old fashioned way, with my God given and Constitutionaly approved right to own guns!

THE DEA - Pronounced: GESTAPO. I’m so sick of these velcroed storm- troopers I could puke! When, oh when will Americans ever admit to themselves that this government goon squad is completely out of control? They violate the civil rights of anyone, answer to no one and claim it’s all in the name of "protecting" everyone! The war on drugs is conducted like a drunken frat party and the nanny-state feebs who support it are supplying the booze in the form of ever more Fourth Amendment violating laws. If the DEA is supposed to protect Americans, will somebody please explain this Denver Post story to dumb old me?

Out in Colorado last month some DEA thugs, along with some Colorado Bureau of Investigation wanna be thugs, kicked in the door of a social worker and his school teacher wife. At gunpoint, of course, they put them on the floor and then they kicked their K-9 American across the room! After trashing the couple’s home they took the couple’s two college student sons into custody and didn’t release them for 40 hours. Now here’s the part where I get confused: According to the couple’s ACLU attorney, "... they had NO search warrant, NO arrest warrant and NO other legal authority."

So, even if these blowholes had had the right house, the break-in and search would have been illegal! Now here’s the REALLY scary part. Other than Al Gore, Hillary Clinton and every jackass on Capitol Hill, can you imagine a trio more PC than a social worker, a school teacher and an ACLU lawyer? If stuff like this can happen to people like this, what the hell’s goin’ to become of the likes of me? I don’t own a dog and my kids are out on their own! Does this mean I get kicked an’ arrested instead? Will the ACLU rush out to defend a 52 year old idiot white man? Will you feel safer knowin’ me an’ my Margaret are in the pokey? Since the AMA defines alcohol as a drug, will everybody in America get arrested next time they pop a cold one in the privacy of their own home? If usin’ drugs makes ya a terrorist, how come most everybody in Hollywood ain’t sittin’ in the yard in Cuba? It’s a puzzler for an ol’ fool like me for sure, an’ just another reason it ain’t easy bein’ me.

Y’all take care now, here.

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at [email protected] His wife, the well-armed and drug-free Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

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