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L. Neil Smith's THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE Number 212, February 24, 2003 SEND IN THE CLOWNS
America, 2084
Exclusive to TLE The year: 2084. The place: any city in the USA. Characters: Father, Daughter, Baby, Fido and a Few Shadowy Characters. Father parks his 1986 Yugo at a curb and exits the vehicle with Daughter, Baby, and Fido the Chihuahua. Police Officer: (emerging from the shadows. He is a clone, as all the police are in 2084. He has a narrow head and squinty lop-sided eyes.): Hold it right there! Father: What? What did I do? Officer: I have to search all of you and the car for a bomb! It's a new Global UN law passed this morning. Father: I haven't heard a thing about it. Officer: That's not my problem. I have a job to do and orders to follow. Father: Orders to follow, huh? (He places his left forefinger under his nose, shoots out his right arm at a 45% angle, and goosesteps in circles.) Sieg Heil! Actung! Verboten! Officer: Huh? Father: Adolph Hitler? Nazis? Officer: Huh? Father: Forget it. I'm a comedian practicing a comedy routine. Officer: Whatever. A police van screeches around a corner. It stops and four police officers jump out. They remove the tires from the Yugo, place the car on concrete blocks, put the tires in the van and screech away. Father: What was that about? Officer: We have to search your tires for bombs. Father: Those are brand-new tires! It took me a year to save for them! The economy's been bad for 80 years, you know, what with the war! I think you guys just stole my tires! Officer: Complain to the government. Father: This is outrageous. Officer: I'm just keeping the country safe. (He squints at Baby.) There could be a bomb in that baby! Father: Sure. Officer: I have to check. (He grabs Baby and prys open its mouth.) You got a bomb in there? Baby: Gaga googoo. Officer (upending Baby and shaking it up and down): Cough it up! Baby: Wah! Officer: I guess you're okay. (Hands Baby back to Father.) Baby (glaring at Officer): Pfffttt! Father: Baby! Baby: Gaga googoo! Officer (squinting at Fido): There could be a bomb in that dog! Father: It's a Chihuahua! Officer: Plenty of room for a bomb. He needs a body-cavity search! Fido: Yikes! Daughter: Daddy! Look at what that bad man is doing to Fido! Father (placing his hands over Daughter's eyes): Don't look! Fido: YEOW! Officer: Dang! (shakes hand) He's stuck! Fido: YEOW! Officer (shaking hand harder) There he goes! (Fido flies through the air and lands in Daughter's arms.) Fido (glaring at the Officer): Grrr! GRRR! GRRR!! A man walks by wearing a three-foot tall turban. There is a loud ticking sound coming from it. Father: Did you see that? I think he's got a bomb in his turban! Officer: Since when are you a trained police officer? The man rounds the corner. Seconds later there is a gigantic explosion. An axle with two tires on it lands in the street. Father: Look! Two tires! Officer: Don't get smart. Father: Can we go now? Officer: I guess. Father, Daughter, Baby and Fido cross the street. Fido is walking upright on his front paws like a circus acrobat. Fido: Ow! Ow! Ow! All step onto the curb across the street. An Officer appears from the shadows. Officer: Stop right there! Father: What now? Officer: I have to search all of you! Father: The guy across the street just searched us! Officer: He's Homeland Security for the south side of the street! I'm Homeland Security for the north side! Father (putting hands on head): It's a madhouse! Officer: Huh? Father: Charleton Heston? Planet of the Apes? Officer: Huh? Father: Forget it. I'm a comedian practicing a comedy routine. Officer (squinting eyes): The dog's first! Fido: ARRRGGGH! Officer: What the--yikes! Oh no! Wait, stop! Help! HELP! HELP! Father: Wow. I didn't now he could do that! Fido: Burp.
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