We Are Saved
by Todd Mahle
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Exclusive to TLE

Despite my best efforts I cannot claim credit for the saving of the world. Although I had come up with a unifying plan that was destined to bring nations together and end turmoil and angst forever I have been beaten to the punch. Although I have a solution to every problem discussed by mankind It is obvious I am no longer needed. Having been so close to implementing my plan to bring peace and freedom to the masses I now discover a more successful idea has proven superior. Much to my dismay everything I have come to believe deeply during my journey towards understanding is fallacy. What is it that has changed my deepest beliefs?

I now know that the entire planet has seen the end of trouble due to the accomplishments of gargantuan government.

This is a difficult idea to consider.

There are so many facts that would lead us to believe that government is inefficient.

Government steals a disgusting amount of money to give substandard education to children compared with the amount parents spend to provide a loving and successful learning experience at home.

Government steals a disgusting amount of money to give a feeling of security from foreign invasion compared with the amount that individuals spend to know that they are prepared for an assault.

Government steals a disgusting amount of money to give a false sense of warmth about the impoverished compared to charities that combine a helping hand with enough encouragement to get back on two capable feet.

Government steals a disgusting amount of money to give retirees a miserable stipend in their old age compared with the successful savings and retirement plans used by the thoughtful.

Government steals a disgusting amount of money to have us believe that the foods we eat are safe from disease compared to the productive actions of food corporations looking out for their own best interests.

Worst of all, government spends a disgusting amount of stolen money to forcibly collect the funds necessary to provide these inefficient services.

It seems that these examples would end any thought that government is an effective force for providing services.

I now know however that the entire planet has seen the end of trouble due to the accomplishments of gargantuan government.

This is a challenging idea to contemplate.

There are many documents that lead us to believe that government should play a limited role in our lives.

The Ten Commandments tell us not to murder, steal or lie. This is the earliest limit on the existence of government. Had early humanity recognized these direct dictates from God we would have neither religion nor government in current forms.

The Magna Carta of 1215 stated that because of the grace of government certain limitations would be respected by government regarding its' ability to murder, steal and lie. Since this chivalrous charter was signed by the magnanimous monarch, governments everywhere have had to be more cautious about overdoing it with murdering, stealing and lying.

In Common Sense Thomas Paine wrote about government being even at its' best a necessary evil. The evil part I never doubted, it's been the necessary part that had me confused. Just how much evil is necessary to prevent me from having to live with evil?

The Declaration of Independence from England listed numerous abuses of government. Once again murder, stealing and lying top the list although Thomas Jefferson and his cronies were much fancier of pen than am I.

The Constitution of the United States in entirety is a granting of specific powers and a presentation of the exact design of the federal government.

Despite the simplicity of this constitution the founders saw fit to establish further restraints on government by amending it. What we commonly refer to as the Bill of Rights (I would prefer to label them the bill of government restrictions) listed specific issues that were most in peril of being abused by government. I fully admit that the Constitution isn't a perfect document and that it's writers were far from perfect men but after two-hundred and sixteen years shouldn't we at least consider using it?

Our benevolent dictators at the United Nations have chimed in with a charter on human rights. The UN was very gracious with their list. They included such nice things as education and clean water to the list of things that every human is to have whether they are willing to work for them or not. Quite similar to the Magna Carta however the UN saw a need to include a disclaimer to ensure that nothing listed under human rights would ever get in the way of United Nation desires.

All of these documents seem to indicate that government should never grow large and abusive and that certain powers are always to be had by individual people.

I now know however that the entire planet has seen the end of trouble due to the accomplishments of gargantuan government.

This is a difficult thing to have to admit.

There are so many of us that have firm convictions that governments have been the source of the worlds most devastating problems.

Government police have murdered during their wars vastly more people than even the athletes of professional sports teams.

Government bureaucrats have starved, with wretched economic policies, vastly more people than even horrid corporate executive officers during their pursuits of greediness.

Government leaders, have lied, because of a fear of truth, vastly more times than even high school text books covering the slavery aspect of the "civil" war.

Government soldiers have practiced genocide, in pursuit of power, vastly more often than even sweet tea drinking aristocrats sitting on a plantation porch perusing fields of cotton.

Government governors, have terminated more life, in order to hide indiscretions, than even Hollywood cyborgs.

Government legislators, have been more destructive to the hard earned property of decent men and women than all demonic ravishers of the environment combined.

Government agents have stolen more dignity from the population than any portrayer of adult movie concepts, street corner hookers, or topless dancers could ever hope, even if all of humanity chose to sample their products.

It would seem that these facts being true, the end of government would be just around the corner.

I now know however that the entire planet has seen the end of trouble due to the accomplishments of gargantuan government.

This is an immposible thing to believe and by now you must be wondering if I am going to get to the point. What in the world could be so overwhelming as to make me suddenly change my opinions about such important things as freedom, liberty and government?

What monumental occurrence has led me to believe that government has become the savior of humanity?

It is really quite a simple answer. The United States government has finally solved the last major problem known to mankind.

If I could prove this true would you not agree that gargantuan government is the answer and that we who thought otherwise should jump on board and end our futile fighting?

What is my proof you ask? What do I know that would convince you that gargantuan government has ceased all need to pontificate problems?

On October 11 at six PM the national do not call list will go into effect and the suffering citizenry will be able to file complaints against the turpitude of telemarketing.

Click here: Federal Trade Commission - The Do Not Call Registry

This absolutely has to mean the end of the last problem known to man.

No longer will American citizens have to suffer the horror of wondering when the next call is going to come from some pushy person selling a treatment that guarantees a smoothly operating septic system.

Never again will defenseless house wives have to spend the day worrying that a marauding merchant will verbally corner them between the wall and the washing machine demanding that she purchase vinyl siding for her brick house.

At no time in the future will a peaceful family dinner be interrupted by telephonic invasion from a company offering a free trip to Jamaica simply for changing long distance service.

Under no circumstances will another male milquetoast from Montana have to stand helplessly with phone in ear as a creep in a California cubicle attempts to sell an aluminum carport.

The truly outstanding aspect of this story is not so much that our last great problem has been solved but that all others have been fixed while I wasn't paying attention.

In all the time that our great gargantuan government has been working on the telemarketing issue not a single person has been murdered. This has to be true or the government wouldn't divert itself to unwanted rings of the phone.

No child has been left behind in the months the no call list has been in the works. This has to be true because the lives of children are much more important than undisturbed supper.

Not even one drunk driver has taken the life of an innocent during the time the full force of the state has focused on felony phoning.

Drugs have disappeared, diseases have all been cured, NASA finally put a man on the moon and the fashion police have stopped any lingering desire to mix plaid and polka dots.

The glass ceiling has been shattered and a twenty-dollar minimum wage is given to those picking up the pieces. The laws of the land apply equally to every man, woman and child regardless of race, creed, sex and political affiliation. We all have every necessary consumer product without having to worry about consuming a single natural resource and it has all been accomplished with a simple flat luxurious tax that is fair and balanced on the backs of those that voluntarily volunteer to be the seesaws of taxation.

Even mosquitoes have agreed not to initiate force while in search of life sustaining blood.

The world is reliving the garden of Eden and every Adam and Eve has agreed to shun the serpent.

All of this must be true or our great gargantuan government wouldn't have had the time or resources to worry about telemarketers.

I'm not going to lie to you. This great new program didn't come about without controversy. Some people apparently were still of the mindset that problems such as unwanted phone calls could be handled by a populace interested in self sufficiency. One court of law actually went way out a limb and considered the restriction of communication a free speech issue. These ridiculous hurdles have been overcome however and democracy has won out. My local editorial board was under the opinion that fifty-million people can't be wrong about the do not call list. As we all know, fifty-million people are always more right than forty-nine million, nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred ninety-nine people. This is true for making decisions such as do not call lists among multitudes and who is going to be raped among rapists and a woman.

A writer to the editorial board of another newspaper had decided it would actually help the telemarketers by weeding out those who would never buy the product anyway. At first I had thought that we could apply this intense logic to government and only tax those not on a do not tax list. Then the IRS could spend it's time trying to track you down and offer you a great deal on bumpy roadways for the low low price of fourteen ninety-five a month.

I also had thoughts of a skeptic when I realized that the people who seemed so excited about shutting down the telemarketers were the same people who were so upset about the job situation in our lethargic economy. It didn't seem to occur to them at all that there could be any connection between the ability to sell a product and the jobs necessary to make the product.

All of those defiant thoughts were overcome quickly however when I remembered how gargantuan government had proven itself superior to all other methods of problem solving. I am now in complete lock step with all of the big government collectivists who by demanding democracy will ensure peace and freedom forever. I will from this day forward never question the wisdom of my leaders. I will dedicate the remainder of my life to promotion of our big government programs because they have worked so well to eradicate problems from my life.

If however you have not been sold by my sudden transformation. If I have failed to convince you of the great bargain you are receiving when purchasing the governmental product. If I have not sealed the deal I do feel it is only fair to tell you that there is a simpler way to deal with the likes of me.

All you have to do is reach down and....................... CLICK.

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