25 People Who Are Screwing Up America
by Jonathan David Morris
jdm@readjdm.com

Special to TLE

Best-selling author Bernard Goldberg has a new book called 100 People Who Are Screwing Up America, in which he lists... well, 100 people who are screwing up America. I guess the name is self-explanatory. Anyway, I like this idea, so, not to be outdone, I've put together a list of my own. Here now, in no particular order, are 25 other people who are screwing up America. Feel free to disagree with my choices. Just know that any complainers will be added to the second edition.

18. Former NJ Governor Jim "James" McGreevey. This guy hands out a Homeland Security post in exchange for homosexual services, steps down, and disappears. I'm sorry, sir, but this is America. It doesn't work that way. Get out here and shamelessly exploit yourself. You're setting a bad precedent for disgraced former governors everywhere.

11. Anyone who goes on Dr. 90210 and says they're getting plastic surgery because, in their line of work, it's important they look their best. I'm sick of this way of thinking. "I'm an interior decorator. I need a neck lift because it's important I look my best." No, it isn't. You're picking out wallpaper. You think people care if your epidermis hangs down your neck like a prayer shawl? Please. I'm a second-rate syndicated columnist. In my line of work, you should get off your high horse before you fall down and rupture an implant.

10. Smoking ban advocates. I understand smoking in restaurants, but smoking in bars? You want to ban that, too? Quit telling other Americans what to do.

12. Smokers. I understand smoking in bars, but smoking in restaurants? You want to smoke there, too? Quit ruining other Americans' lungs.

1. Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes, of Hannity & Colmes fame. One's a loudmouth conservative who'd conserve nothing and blow up everything; the other's a little liberal puppy who barks and growls and then rolls over for a belly rub. Hannity is the worst. Every call on his radio show consists of him and his caller calling each other "a great American" over and over again. It's nauseating—like the "You're shmoopy"/"No, you're shmoopy" scene from the Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld. Colmes is no better. He only takes a backseat because he isn't as good at drowning out his opponent. He's equally annoying, though. And his head looks like a rotting pear. Watch these guys long enough and you'll start to see everything as a Left and Right issue. Even breakfast. "Coming up after the break: Why some liberal housewives refuse to put sugar in their coffee. Are these Splenda-lovin' liberals bad for America?"

4. The Bush administration. No one screws up America better than these people. I mean, detention without trial? Come on. You're joking, right? Is this a prank? Next, can we play monkey-in-the-middle with the Constitution?

19. People who think Lance Armstrong is America's greatest athlete. Not because I disagree with them, but because they insist pro cycling should be on TV. No, it shouldn't. Pro cycling isn't watchable. Get these tricycles off my television. Give me pro bull riding any day. Or, hell, give me the fireman's challenge on the Deuce.

9. Crusty old newsmen who use the word "blog." God Almighty, how they make my ears hurt. It sounds like they're throwing up or something.

17. Fruity beer drinkers. I like the commercials for Mike's Hard Lemonade as much as the next guy, but get these sugary, beer-type concoctions away from me. Just looking at the packaging makes my stomach hurt. This is America, damn it. A man's country. Make room for manly beers—like Budweiser, Yuengling, and that Schmitt's Gay stuff SNL used to advertise. Our forefathers fought so you could be free, not so you could drink Hooch.

3. Atlanta Falcons RB Michael Vick. Yes, I realize he's a quarterback, not a running back. But when I was a kid, quarterbacks didn't run with the ball. They passed it. Which is something Vick apparently never learned to do. Is he fun to watch? Yeah, I suppose he's fun to watch. But if this guy is the "future of football," then the terrorists have already won.

8. Oil companies. War and pollution are bad enough, but gas prices are the final straw. You want gasoline to be the only game in town? Great. Now tell me why I'm burning $69 just leaving the Lukoil parking lot. Otherwise, show me some progress on alternative fuels.

13. People who complain that George Bush "talks to Jesus," as if the president is a delusional schizophrenic who thinks he's having the Lord over for tea. Prayer is not a mental disorder. I don't want to be the first to throw stones here, but I suspect there's a certain fiery underworld with your name on it for purposely misconstruing the truth like that.

16. Christmas crusaders. I hate to break it to you, but a town hall without an Xmas tree is not an "assault" on "people of faith." It's just a town hall without an Xmas tree. What are you praying to, anyway? A pine cone?

14. The DEA. Hi. Remember Prohibition? Remember all the crime it caused? Keep doing what you're doing. The war on drugs makes perfect sense.

23. Salesmen who ask if they can help me with anything as soon as I walk in the store. Yes, you can start by helping me lock you in my trunk till the air runs out. Leave me alone. I'm a grown man. I don't need help picking out clothes.

24. Tom Cruise. Somehow, Maverick saying there's no such thing as post-partum depression just doesn't do it for me.

2. The Supreme Court. Pot used for cancer pain relief—bad. Homes seized to build office parks and strip malls—good?

22. Anyone who uses steroids to make themselves seem better than they actually are. And, by "anyone," I mean anyone. Baseball players and Congressmen both.

15. Ann Coulter knockoffs. If you're going to act like Ann Coulter, at least be Ann Coulter. I can't take Monica Crowley anymore. Every time she talks, it's like an ostrich reading from Richard Nixon's memoirs.

20. Kids who wear Che Guevara t-shirts. Seriously. Do you even know who Che Guevara is?

5. People who use "freedom" as a synonym for "victory." I realize the words belong together sometimes, but that doesn't mean they're one and the same. Imagine we took this principle off the battlefield and used it in sports. Would you say the '96 Bulls defended their freedom 72 times and lost their freedom 10 times? Me neither. Stop being ridiculous. I love America.

25. Hillary Clinton. I haven't heard too much from her lately, but I'm pretty sure she's still screwing up the country somehow.

21. Pro-lifers and pro-choicers. A hundred years from now, America's outerspace alien conquerors are going to look back and say, "Wow, those people actually sat around debating when to kill babies." Doesn't anyone else realize how weird this is?

7. Best-selling author Bernard Goldberg. Unless you think a list of people "screwing up America" is somehow good for America.

6. Jonathan David Morris. At least I'm trying to screw up America. Which is more than I can say for some other folks I know.

Jonathan David Morris writes a weekly column for The Aquarian and other publications. He can be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.

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