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'Tis the season for killing Zombies and other Monsters. Here's how to do it, re-visited.
by Neale Osborn
[email protected]

Special to L. Neil Smith's The Libertarian Enterprise

Good evening. It's that time of year, when good little boys and girls should be afraid of the dark. and, since it's MY job to stalk the night, hunting for what hunts YOU, I figured that, as a public service, I should re-visit the methods of hunting zombies and other beasties that hunt you. in a large part, this will consist of re-printing my two seminal works on the topics of zombie-killing, and the killing of other SNMs.

This past Halloween was a busy time for us professional zombie exterminators, and now that there is a period of minimal zombie activity for the next couple months, I have decided that it's time to help all of you poor civilians prepare for the next onslaught. The recent wave of zombie movies has led people to gather some strange ideas on how to fight the living dead (I mean, CRICKET PADDLES?? REALLY?), and each of you who prepares poorly becomes MY next extermination job. Hmmm, maybe I should quit here. First off, zombies require TOTAL decapitation to stop them from coming at you, or destruction of the brain to kill them. Cut'em in pieces, and the parts keep coming. Decapitation doesn't do much but stop them. The head is STILL gonna try to get you, but the tongue just ain't that good at moving the head. So, remember, AFTER decapitation, after the battle, desroy the brains. Personally, I prefer shotgun slug loads to the brain for one-shot stops.

When I am working an infestation, I try to wear a full-face shield. Remember, skulls are FULL of bones, and the shards are sharp. IF you get ANY zombie spit in your body, I'll be coming for YOU next. Also, the green bits taste REALLY nasty, so keep your mouth shut while fighting them. Funny quips and gross jokes are funny on film, but they are a BAD plan in real life. Remember, zombies are NOT caused by voodoo doctors (usually), or government top secret labs (except that one time in San Francisco). It's just a virus. So practice proper infection controls, and your safe. Or else, you're my next job.

The properly attired zombie killer is wearing body armor, leather Harley Davidson jacket, Leather pants, and a helmet/face-shield similar to the average police riot-gear helmet. I like weighted leather gloves (adds weight to sword swings, and aids when forced to punch a corpse in the face) and steel-toed boots. When going after an infestation, I arm myself thusly—My handmade Japanese Katana is slung over the left shoulder. I carry a custom built semi-automatic twelve gauge magazine-fed shotgun, loading a silver/lead mixed slug load. The silver DOESN'T kill'em, but it slows down their ability to re-generate if I only wound'em. My side-arm is a ParaOrdnance P14-45, tuned for combat. It is a high-capacity 1911-style .45ACP, holding 14+1 when fully loaded. I rarely work in a team-type situation, so interchangeability isn't one of my concerns.

While field expedient weaponry IS sometimes necessary, NEVER use a chainsaw—the meat and bones tend to clog the chain something fierce. Flamethrowers are right out, unless you can confine the buggers first—walking torches can REALLY cause the clients to refuse to pay. Yeah, I burned down the town, but the zombies were gone, damnit! Last, but not least, when negotiating the contract (IN ADVANCE!!), remember to insist upon a minimum fee, but get a per head bonus for each zombie. After all, once there is ONE zombie, there'll be others before you get there. If you are doing this freelance, be careful—the towns ALWAYS try to weasel out of paying once the job is done. Insist upon an escrow account to at least cover the basic contract.

So, remember the basics—decapitation stops'em, but ALWAYS go back and destroy the brain, or they'll be back. Silver slows'em down, but it IS NOT the cure-all some claim. Heavily armed is the way to go, and ALWAYS wears all your OZHASG (Occupational Zombie Hunters Asociation Safety Gear) rated protective gear. ANd, since NO ONE knows everything about Zombie Hunting, feel free to add YOUR anecdotes to the comment section below—I can ALWAYS use some extra advice!

Safe Hunting, All!!!!

This was followed by the following article the next year.

Last November, I wrote (See the segment above this part) to aid you poor victims in protecting yourselves (and to drum up a little business!) So, perhaps a little review is in order, first.

To kill a zombie, the brain MUST be destroyed. De-capitation just stops them, but after battle, destroy the brains, or they will eventually re-assemble and come for you. Shotguns with slug loads work best, followed closely by large caliber handguns loaded with hollowpoints. Some people recommend swords, axes, machetes, and chainsaws. They work, but there is ONE huge drawback—you gotta close with the Zombie, risking a bite. ANY zombie saliva entering ANY open wound is fatal. If bitten, DEMAND your companions (if any) immediately kill you and destroy your brain, or else within 72 hours MAX (or as short as 30 minutes) you will be eating THEIR brains. Otherwise, eat the gun barrel—pointing it upwards, through the palate (roof of the mouth), ensuring brain destruction, and pull the trigger. ANY form of armor is better than none, but to be as safe as possible (which isn't very, no matter what), use your OZHASG (Occupational Zombie Hunters Asociation Safety Gear) for best results. as mentioned in the first article, I use the following;

The properly attired zombie killer is wearing body armor, leather Harley Davidson jacket, Leather pants, and a helmet/face-shield similar to the average police riot-gear helmet. I like weighted leather gloves (adds weight to sword swings, and aids when forced to punch a corpse in the face) and steel-toed boots. When going after an infestation, I arm myself thusly—My handmade Japanese Katana is slung over the left shoulder. I carry a custom built semi-automatic twelve gauge magazine-fed shotgun, loading a silver/lead mixed slug load. The silver DOESN'T kill'em, but it slows down their ability to re-generate if I only wound'em. My side-arm is a ParaOrdnance P14-45, tuned for combat. It is a high-capacity 1911-style .45ACP, holding 14+1 when fully loaded. I rarely work in a team-type situation, so interchangeability isn't one of my concerns

Note the presence of a sword, which I just put down as a weapon. They are a last-ditch back-up, when the Fecal Material Hits The Rotary Oscillator, NOT a main weapon. If you choose to read the linked article, you will learn what you need to know. So for tonight, I'll deal with some other SNMs (Super Natural Monsters), and answer any questions posed by you, dear reader.

So, on to a few others you might be unfortunate enough to encounter. We'll start with another un-dead, Hollywood's favorite, the vampire. Most of what is portrayed is, to be blunt, bullshit. They AREN'T supernaturally sexy. They AREN'T rich, dignified noblemen. They DON'T (generally) have psychotic henchmen to protect their haunts in daytime (and they don't need them), and crosses, Bibles, Torahs, Korans, and prayer are a pure waste of time. For reasons unknown, silver seems to incapacitate (temporarily) a lot of SNMs, and it will work on Vamps, as well. There is only one way to effectively destroy beyond recovery a vampire. A hardwood stake driven through the heart, then de-capitation and destruction of the cranium and brain. NOTE!! Staking alone only renders them dormant. Removal of the stake leaves them awake, pissed off, and VERY thirsty. Vampires are NOT dormant daytimes, though sunlight does cause them excruciating pain. Hunting Vampires in their lairs is VERY dangerous day or night. Do it ONLY in daytime, and ONLY if you can secure a direct path for sunlight to enter the lair. Otherwise, it is recommended that you use a volunteer to lure them outside after dark and try to use a crossbow or harpoon gun to impale them with a hardwood stake to immobilize them, them finish them off. Vampires DO NOT retain any humanity after conversion, quickly lose the ability to speak, and DO NOT, despite Hollywood and Twilight, hang out together. They are lone killers, hunting and killing their prey (US!!) just as any other maneater does. The very rare survivor (one in 150 attacks survive the experience, to their regret) has greater than a 90% chance of turning. And ALL survivors who don't turn are staked and beheaded immediately upon natural death, because they almost always come back as something even worse, a smart vampire. These extremely rare versions are the basis for the Dracula stories, and the only intersection between Hollywood and reality. The best thing you can say about them is the Smart Vamps do not remain undead long. The maximum time the SVs "survive has been documented as 5 years, but most rarely survive long enough to re-expire on their own, because they are vindictive and fearless.

Next, we arrive at the furbearers. Shifters. Werewolves, weretigers, werechows, weresnakes, and other were-creatures. Vastly misunderstood, and badly painted by both the few really bad ones, and Hollywood. First off, it is hereditary. So, to be a were, you have to be born that way (mostly, more on that another time!). Most children of weres AREN'T were, themselves, but they can still pass it on. The odds are, you've met at least one in the last year. Most are just people with a genetic anamoly that makes them were. They don't eat people, they aren't pursued by ghosts of their victims urging them to die, and the full moon isn't THAT big a deal to them. They can change at will, and rarely do it in front of "Straights". They do NOT live by the same rules as their root animal, they do NOT have "Alpha" males, and they DO have the ability to change only parts of their body in the blink of an eye to their root animal and back. A very few bad apples have spoiled it for the rest, causing the US government (among others) to offer bounties for them, with the only way to earn immunity from the bounty is to be a killer for Uncle Sam. Most refuse, and live in hiding. I NEVER accept a bounty on ANY were unless one goes rogue.

Goblins are probably the most mis-understood and misrepresented of the SNM group. They actually AREN'T SNMs. They are survivors. From genetic testing, they appear to be closely related to humans, but diverged about 5-7 million years ago, They are, in fact, the missing link. Shy, furtive, and living on the outskirts of civilisation in the most desolate regions of the world, they tend to be gentle thieves, steling shiny things, food, and kittens. Don't "awe" that, they like how they taste. But they will run away rather than attack a human, even a child, unless you endanger THEIR child. Leave'em alone.

The rest of the supernatural pantheon is far less documented by hunters, and if encountered, the best I can suggest is run like hell, then call me at 362-4360, and I'll see what I can do for you.

Some things have changed in the zombie-hunting profession lately, equipment-wise, and I thought it might behoove me to elucidate. I've modified my choice of shotgun—it used to be a nice Remington pump, with an extended magazine, but recently, I have become quite fond of the Saiga magazine-fed semi-automatic 12-gauge shotgun. Faster when re-loading, it's easier to transport and insert loaded magazines that it is to use a speedloader, and the AK action is rugged and reliable under nearly ANY battlefield condition, including covered in brains and blood. And for a scrum (zombie hunter speak for close-quarters hand to hand combat, borrowed from rugby) I have added the Halligan Tool. Again, like a sword, ya dinnae want to go all Mel Gibson/Braveheart on a pack of zombies, but sometimes you just have to. Kudos to John Ringo for the heads up—your books might be fiction, but the weapons ideas worked out quite nicely in the field.

One of the keys to hunting monsters of any kind is education. Fiction is full of information, and some of it is even correct, but avoid ANY "good ideas" that involve faith of any kind—it may be comforting, but it isn't going to stop a SNM. Crosses only do you any good if they are large, and have a sharpened end to use as a stake. Prayer might make you feel good, but the SNMs just consider it seasoning. So talk to hunters if you can find them, we will try to give you the benefit of our experience. As a general rule, behead it, destroy the brain, and they usually roll over and be good. Questions? Call me, anytime, day or night, @ 362-4360. I'll call you back as soon as possible, if I do not answer immediately. Good Luck to you all!

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