Special to L. Neil Smith’s The Libertarian Enterprise

Guys I’ve been away a long time, and I want to come home. I got homesick about a day after I landed.

See, I’m actually a homebody. I just want to have my office and my routine and work. For a wonderful break from routine, I go to Pete’s—about 20 minutes away unless traffic intervenes—for some Greek salad. The only thing that brings me all the way out here is that I have family I can’t see any other way.

But you guys have to rein in those crazy f*ckers out there, or I’m going to stay out here and refuse to go back. No, forget that, I can’t stay out here. I’d go nuts. I’m going to stay on the plane and refuse to let it land. We’ll just supernaturally circle about NYC forever.

No, seriously, people. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHILE I’M overseas?

I’m waiting my turn to shower (well, this WAS built in the late sixties!) and I turn on the net to check the news, and what’s the first thing off the gate?

The Atlantic, wondering if Shakespeare was a woman.

Of all the swinish, half baked, sexist, idiotic–

I haven’t seen anything so stupid since they decided he was Queen Elizabeth or Anne. No, seriously. And those were written by half-crazy idiots.

Well, I guess the Atlantic are half crazy idiots, too, but they used to be a real magazine.

Can we please just tranq them or something? Give them nice padded rooms? They’re making the rest of the country look bad.

Of course, I’d settle for locking them in the back room with books of Shakespearean scholarship, which granted since they contain logic (sometimes) might be like locking Superman with kryptonite.

I mean, what the reticulated heck is this?

Stop letting them act crazy just because I came away for a couple of weeks!

 

Reprinted from According to Hoyt for May 11, 2019

[ Sorry. It is an over-run situation! — Editor ]