L. Neil Smith's
Number 182, July 15, 2002


Oink, Oink, Oink
by Jeff Elkins

Special to TLE

The federal sow's homeland security tit is swelling to the bursting point, and that means it's party time! There's no lack of hungry little piglets queuing up for a meal.

According to an AP story available at [this link], lobbyists from every conceivable industry in America are angling for a piece of a very lucrative Homeland Security pie, main dish served at the terror soiree hosted in Washington DC.

"It's going to be a huge food fight. There's something for everyone here." chortles Jonathan Winer, an attorney and former Senate staff member. I can just picture this guy's eyes shining, as he gleefully rubs his hands together.

The software industry is in there grubbing for dollars and selling out freedom. You know the big players like Oracle and Microsoft will be involved, with Larry Ellison sliming about for national ID cards, and Bill Gates touting Palladium, the next-gen 'secure' operating system and viewport into your computer.

The Business Software Alliance, is pushing for a cybersecurity agency that will undoubtedly be packing Carnivore and keyboard sniffers (in addition to the de rigeur Glocks), all the better to peer into your private life. Even the little boys are getting in on the act. According to AP, the Cross Current Corp. is trying to go national with a data-mining system it's building for Pennsylvania law enforcement. In addition to paying a lobbying firm, it's armed with an undoubtedly well-greased local congressman, Republican Rep. James Greenwood.

"He has also tried to make sure we're talking to the right people," company co-owner Sam Hirsh smirks. I can see him licking his chops, at the thought of all the delicious droppings, thrown from the table courtesy of Congressman Greenwood. Lots and lots of absolutely yummy tasty treats at this bash.

Even the bail bond industry wants in on the action.

The Capital Bonding Corp. has its champion in Republican Rep. George Gekas, who is sponsoring legislation to bar noncitizens facing immigration action from using cash to post bonds. Its president, Vincent Smith, who was involved with a (cough,cough) "fundraiser" for Gekas, says "I am encouraging bail bond agents I do business with to pledge their support to lawmakers specifically on homeland security issues."

All for the good of the Nation, of course. The bail bond industry won't stand to make a dime from this legislation, not one single dime. It's patriotism at its most pure.

This party isn't only for Pennsylvania piggies. The Fechheimer Brothers Co. of Cincinnati is hawking a line of Homeland Security uniforms. Luckily, they will have a treasure trove of prior art to draw from - certain European styles from the 1930s through around 1945, while a bit dated, are considered to be quite stylish by some.

Michigan-based Second Chance Body Armor is touting bulletproof vests, soon to be not seen at your local airport. Claiming its new line is 15% lighter and 20% more breathable than previous models, they'll be a sure fire fashion accessory for a Homeland Security operative, decked out in the latest from the Fechheimer boys.

No word yet on which lucky shoemaker will get the jackboot contract.

Yes, it's a big wonderful party, come one, come all! There are mounds of luscious loot, just waiting for the enterprising operator to scoop up, especially if they have a handy connection to a distinguished member of the "People's House" or the "World's Greatest Deliberative Body." Our masters in DC stand ever ready to sell themselves to the highest bidder, and there's sure to be a bidding frenzy, what with this veritable mountain of moolah to be made.

It's gonna be one hell of a party. The lead musician of the govermental orchestra is blowing the federal horn of plenty, not a sax like the last guy, but in reality, they both play the same sweet siren song. It's a tired old tune, but we know it well, and it suits this newest piggie party to a T.

It's the DC Dollar Dance, with the usual procession of diseased whores and infected johns, swirling on the dance floor, cutting the light fantastic atop the bodies of three thousand dead Americans.

The DC Dollar Dance, (it don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that terroristic swing), brought to you courtesy of the Federal Wartime Band, conducted by our smiling bandleader, George W. Bush.

Nothing to see here, folks. Move along, move along. That is, unless you're ready to buy a ticket to the dance.


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