L. Neil Smith's
Number 218, April 7, 2003


Massive Outbreak Of Infectious Disease Hits D.C.!
by Manuel Miles

Special to TLE

by your health reporter, Manuel Miles

dateline Washington D.C. 25 March 2003: Lost in the concern over SARS (the deadly new strain of viral pneumonia to emerge from Hong Kong) is the news of the endemic crisis of CRS disease. This illness, first reported on by returning Viet Nam War veterans, has been on a 30 year rampage in the American capital.

One Beltway insider observed that, "CRS is more common than Herpes here." Indeed, the incidence of CRS in the Washington area has achieved colossal proportions as a new epidemic of it rages through the Bush Administration.

CRS ("Can't Remember Somethings") Disease is the inability to recall what one said and did five minutes ago. Like Alzheimer's Disease, to which it is closely related, its sufferers also experience frequent confusion, inability to speak coherently, reduced control of the bowels, and outbursts of irrational anger when others attempt to reorient them to reality.

Although this disease has infected every US administration since Andrew Jackson, it seems to peak in wartime. During the Viet Nam War, for example, the Johnson Administration repeatedly denied that US soldiers committed atrocities. When news of My Lai, Operation Phoenix, and the "free fire zone" policy finally bubbled to the surface of the mainstream media cesspool, both LBJ's Harvard boys and the Washington Press Corps(e) suffered an acute case of CRS.

King George the First exhibited the same symptoms when his former CIA agent, Manuel Noriega, got in the way of the Empire. "Noriega was one of my own operatives? Who knew?!", quoth Georgie the Elder. [At the time of the chastisement of Mr Noriega, King Ronald was Emperor. His CRS disease became conveniently total during a post-retirement trip to Japan where he forgot what country he lived in.]

King Bubba the First-and-one-hopes-the-Last was a walking, drooling case study of the ravages of this hideous disease in its tertiary stage: at one point he was unable to understand the meanings of such words as "inappropriate friendship" and even such relatively simple vocabulary as the verb "is". Irrationally blaming the relentless progress of his disease on the failure of modern medicine to find a cure, he bombed hospitals and pharmaceutical factories from Serbia to the Sudan. His severely psychotic episodes are now infamous; who can forget his hallucinogenic rantings about "100 000 Albanians massacred by the genocidal Serbs!"? Apparently, he can ...

Now poor Georgie the Younger is displaying all the worst symptoms of a terminal case of CRS: he is unable to recall his pre-pseudo-election promises of a withdrawal from occupied Bosnia and Serbia, he gives a different reason for his attack on Iraq every time he speaks, and, when asked what happened to his planned blitzkrieg campaign of "shock and awe', he can only mutter, "Aw, shucks ..."

Solutions to the horrifying health hazard of CRS vary, from medical opinions that the White House presidential palace and the Capitol building must both be razed to the ground and the earth sown with salt to the spiritualists' claim that the situation can be rectified only if several million Americans march counter-clockwise around those edifices while chanting, "Out, demons, out!"

This reporter, objective as ever, refrains from entering the debate.


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