L. Neil Smith's
Number 292, October 10, 2004

"It's not what it is. It's what it means."

An Open Letter To President Badnarik
by John DeVoe

Exclusive to TLE

Dear Mr. President:

I know I'm jumping the gun by a few months with that title, but I figured you wouldn't mind me helping you get used to it because, as we all know, you are absolutely positively going to win this election. Anyway, I got to thinking about how busy you are with the campaign and, if you are anything like I am, you get all wrapped up in one big project and kinda let the mundane stuff slip through the cracks. Since I'm here in Austin, I would be happy to help you out.

Have you reserved a U-Haul for your big move to Washington in January? I could call around for rates and put one on my card if you like. I know you're good for it. Besides, I have your new address. Just let me know what size you need and whether you want a truck or a trailer.

How about boxes? We have plenty, and I could pick up some more if you need them. I will also help you pack and load the truck. I know what a hassle moving is, and I can probably line up three or four other people for the big day. We'll bring the beer.

There's always some leftover stuff that won't fit in the U-Haul. No problem; I have a pickup and I know the way. I figure there will be a few guys to unload at the other end, but I'll be glad to help them out if they need it. Don't worry about putting me up on the couch or in the Lincoln Bedroom. You'll be busy enough, and I can grab a Motel 6 in Alexandria.

I read somewhere that you are renting, and I know how Austin landlords can be about deposits, so I will be glad to clean your old place for you. If you don't get your deposit back in 30 days, let me know. I know a few lawyers around here who just might help out free (or at least cheaply) if necessary. Just make sure your landlord has your new address, which is:

         1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
         Washington, DC 20050

If you have a subscription to the Austin American Statesman (motto: "Bringing You Yesterday's News Tomorrow), don't bother paying the out-of-town rates. D.C. newspaper machines always stock the hometown paper of the current administration. I can also send you the Austin Chronicle every week if the Washington Post isn't quite enough of a source of left wing amusement for you. Just ask.

Of course, I realize that there is some infinitesimal chance that either What's His Name or The Other Guy might edge you out by a really small electoral margin. After all, stranger things have happened (rains of frogs, talking kosher carp, the 69 Mets), so we both might end up with a free day come January. If we do, come on over. We'll grill some burgers and get to work on 2008.


The Home Gunsmith

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