L. Neil Smith's
Number 347, December 11, 2005

"So You Actually Have to be Able to Think"

by Dr. Julius No

Exclusive to TLE

Vicegrips in the wrong hands can be an instrument of Terror....

Vicegrips can be used to twist a water tap on the side of a building and get you an unauthorised sip a H2O. Free Water. You of course know how dangerous that is.

Vicegrips can squeeze nuts till they talk, but that is the province of Bush, Rumsfeld, and Co.

Vicegrips can hold together wrought iron while you weld it together into a cage to trap chupacabra. The IRS needs chupacabras to extract money from reluctant taxpayers. You cannot be allowed to protect yourself.

Vicegrips can be used to hold a red hot poker. See Bush and Rumsfeld for licensing info....

Vicegrips can be used to temporarily act as a window winder depriving an auto dealer of revinue that belongs to them only in the New World Odor. Ask Senator McCain.

Vicegrips have a nasty look, like an ugly gun. They must be under strict governmental control and have a monthly "jaw print" for the tracing of non licensed use.

As you can see, vicegrips are dangerous. They must be controlled.


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