Big Head Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 427, July 22, 2007

"We are in a position to alter history."


Bill of Non-rights
by Andrew G Eggleston

Special to The Libertarian Enterprise

Bill of Non-Rights of the United States

We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other such bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights so we will attempt to correct this with a Bill of Non-Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a; New Car, 42" Plasma Screen TV, Personal Computer, Gaming system, Guaranteed Income or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right not to be offended. This country is based on freedom of speech, and that means freedom of speech for everyone—not just you and the people you agree with! You may leave the room, change the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of people who don't express themselves the way you do, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. You have the right to protect yourself and your family with whatever means you are comfortable with (A gun for instance). However if you (accidentally?) stick a screwdriver in your eye or some such thing, learn to be more careful; do not sue the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy. Stupid people do not deserve to be rewarded for being careless or acting like an idiot.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are some of the most charitable people in the world, and will gladly help people in need. But we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of our own professional breeders; who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of mouth-breathing professional breeders, who burden an already overwhelmed public support system meant for use in emergencies or for those with genuine problems.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of other countries that do have free heath care and our own experiments with free food and public housing, we're just not interested in free public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people; Americans have the right to keep and bear arms and some are willing to actually use their weapons if you threaten to harm them! If you do manage to kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, (which happens all to often) don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair while we sell popcorn and broadcast it to execution parties across the free world.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others and we as Americans support the rights of others to do what they feel is necessary to stop you from taking their possessions. However, if you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a 42" Plasma Screen TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times to find one, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities laid before you in this generous country to make yourself useful in any way you can.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to purse happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws and taxes created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights; and would like the rest of us to take care of you!

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country, you do not have the right to sneak into our backyard and demand help for your poor pathetic life in a language we don't understand. This is a wonderful and prosperous country because we have rules to be followed, if you can't understand or simply won't take the time to learn what those rules are and follow them, then you don't have the right to ask us for help; we will however reserve the right to refuse service to you and then spend the money to send you back home. We don't care what country you are from, English is our language, the Constitution is the law of our country, and the Pledge of Allegiance is a promise by you to obey those laws, learn them or go back to wherever you came from!

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded by white Europeans who all agreed to sever the ties of their former countries, to speak English to each other, to establish justice, and to insure domestic tranquility all based on their belief in a charitable and loving God. You are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution because of this belief in a charitable and loving God. The phrase "In God We Trust" is part of our heritage and history, and has served us well in time of turmoil for over two hundred years, it has also served you well during your lifetime without you ever knowing it was there; protecting you and preserving your freedoms as part of the foundation of this great Democracy, if you are uncomfortable with it, tough, you can always emigrate to France!


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