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L. Neil Smith's
Number 448, December 16, 2007

"Bill of Rights Day: December 15"

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Why It Doesn't Matter For Whom Daniel G. Jennings Votes
The Kaptain's Log
by Kaptain Kanada a.k.a. Manuel Miles

Attribute to The Libertarian Enterprise

After reading Mr Jennings' diatribe about the Elian Gonzalez affair, I am compelled to reply. To wit: get a grip, dude! Fulgencio Batista is in his grave, and the US imperial strangle-hold on its former colony of Cuba with him, and that is no cause for mourning.

Any shortcomings of the government of Cuba are the business of the Cuban people, not yours, gringo. As the Good Book says, "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?. . .Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye. . ." It's good advice, and thou wouldst do well to heed it, amigo. Maybe you could use those sabres that you are rattling (". . .greatest superpower. . .sorry little nation with no military, rant, foam, slobber. . .") to pluck that beam out.

As for the hilarious delusions that a) Cuba has "no military" and, b) your fascist empire should use its own to enforce a custody dispute, let me point out that the nascent Cuban military kicked your imperial ass at the Bay of Pigs, and that the Cuban people rose up to oppose your ugly invading army of mercenaries and mafiosi. You will notice that no further little adventures of this kind have been attempted since, not even by the current gang of nut cases occupying the presidential palace on Pennsylvania Avenue.

It is also worthy of note that you were sufficiently untroubled by the Clintons' many crimes, from Whitewater and the subsequent murder of Vince Foster to the slaughter of innocent men, women and children in Waco which took place at the behest of Clinton appointee Jan "the man" Reno, that you voted twice for that obvious sociopath. This speaks volumes about your wisdom, discretion, and even simple ability to learn from experience. And people like you have a vote; that's why it's called "dumbocracy".

Now you say that you are not going to vote for Hitlery Rodham Clinton, but only because of your denial of fathers' rights. That is highly ironic, as Hitlery is a major feminazi who has a long record of opposing fathers' and children's rights. The fact that Elian's father, whose paternity, so far as I can tell, has never before been challenged by anyone other than your all-knowing self, has not been established by blood test, is irrelevant and just a stupid red herring.

I bet you'll vote for any fascist who threatens to invade a fe w more countries on one pretext or another. Maybe you voted for G.W. the last time? We know for sure that you don't seem upset about the Camp Delta concentration camp/torture centre on the grounds of occupied Cuban territory at Guantanamo. Of course, that is truly ". . .all this country stands for. . ."

Elian Gonzalez should never have been shoved into that leaky boat by his irresponsible mother. It's a miracle that the child wasn't drowned with her. He is, of course, infinitely better off in the care of his father than being used as a propaganda puppet by the Batististas and Marielitos of the Florida "Cuban exile" gangsters. At home in Cuba, he will at least be free from having Ritalin forced down his throat in your government schools. [See attached article below]

And he probably will be able to visit the US one day. You, on the other hand, cannot get permission from your imperial masters to holiday in beautiful Cuba. Even Canadians can do that, gringo, and that is precisely what I am going to do this spring. I'll think of you poor ignorant knuckleheads refusing CPR to your stricken masters as I lie basking on the beach at Varadero.

I leave you with this epic satire, previously published elsewhere, which was written while Elian was still in Florida. It's a classic by a great and humble master of subtle wit, and it makes a few serious points, to boot.

The Life and Times of Elian Gonzalez
by Manuel Miles

In the waning days of the 20th century, a small boy was plucked from the sea by fishermen. He was immediately the centre of the most famous custody dispute of that century. The litigants were not his mother, who died in a shipwreck, and his father, who was quickly consigned to the status of pawn, but people whom he had never even met; Cuban and American politicians.

In those days, the island of Cuba was embargoed by the US government, which was punishing Cubans for their takeover of south Florida.

In the aftermath of the "Elian riots," President Gore and Congress declared the boy a US citizen. Elian Gonzalez lived with his great-uncle and began to attend Miami's Jose Marti Public School.

All went well at first. The shy boy even learnt to smile for the cameras and say, "Aie lov Amay-rica!" on cue. Everybody who could grab the media's attention proclaimed their delight that Elian was now living in "the land of the free." Then, as suddenly as it had floodlit the boy's life, the spotlight went dark.

In the seventh month of the Gore presidency, as students of history will recall, NATO declared war on Botswana. [The cynics claimed that this was to distract attention from "TipperGate."] So, NATO bombed the country flat and Elian became "old news." He was discarded by the media like a used Havana cigar.

Now out of the centre ring, Elian got on with his childhood. In his second year at Jose Marti Elementary, the lad became attracted to classmate Maria Luisa Victoria Elena Rodriquez-de Leon-Goldberg-Valenzuela. Unfortunately for Elian, he made the mistake of kissing her, too. . . on the cheek. . . in class. . . in full view of Ms. Carmen Grimswald, the teacher!

Instantly the young offender was back in the news: "Monster Molests Maria!" and "Carmen Chastises Caressing Castaway!" the headlines screamed. Elian was sentenced to one week's suspension and one thousand lines of "I will never sexually harass female persons again."

Six weeks later, however, the young miscreant struck again. This time, the victim of his uncontrolled chauvinistic desire was Linda Perez-Jones, a tall girl with a short name. Linda, whose mother taught Women's Studies at the University of South Florida, was proactive. She knew of Elian's history of sexual predation, so when she saw him pucker up to whistle at her, she punched the machismo maniac right in his offending mouth. Elian lost two teeth and some blood. Linda was given an award and made a Peer Conflict Resolution Counselor.

It was clear to all that something had to be done about Elian's Cubano sexism. So, after the mandatory ten Saturdays of Sensitivity Class, he was declared ADHD and put on Ritalin.

The Guidance Counselor declared that Elian, "responds well to this treatment," largely because he stopped responding to much of anything. He was eventually declared "cured" two weeks before high school graduation. The next day, Elian took eight years of suppressed resentment and a baseball bat to school. Survivors said, "He was always quiet and kept to himself," and "He could have had a hell of a career in the major leagues."

The next day, President George W. Bush IV made a speech about the need to restrict access to sports equipment and sent a bill to Congress. Elian was sent to the Florida Facility for Correction of Incorrect Behavior for five to ten years.

After six months in the slammer, Elian tunneled under the razor wire and hijacked a plane to Havana, where he rose quickly through the ranks of the Party and became Premier. Last year he offered guaranteed asylum to all American students who make it to Cuba's shores, sparking a wave of juvenile airline hijackings.

"Freedom," Premier Gonzalez is fond of saying, "is a relative concept."

Sep tember 8, 2001

I told you it was a classic, eh!

Peace and Liberty.

Kaptain Kanada, aka Manuel Miles, is a nasty old curmudgeon who lives to torment the God damned nation-State, feminazis, mercantilists, Darwinians, warmongers, socialists, global warmites, Vegans, abortionists, animal rights nutsos, and the "politically correct" of all stripes. He is not a nice man, and you wouldn't want him for a neighbour—at least, that's what his mother says, and she should know. If something he writes upsets you, he won't care; on the contrary, he'll feel that he has succeeded in his efforts.


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Department of Horrible Stuff

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