Big Head Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 455, February 10, 2008

.455 Webley

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Throwing My Hat in the Ring
by Abe Clark

Attribute to The Libertarian Enterprise

A great historian once said that any national leader who controls the army, the treasury, and the enforcement of the laws is a king, regardless of what his actual title might be. Since I fully expect some future power-hungry American president to realize this and declare herself king for life, I've decided that in order to preserve any semblance of liberty in this country, a more benevolent individual will have to take that step first. Lacking any more suitable candidate, I humbly nominate myself.

I, Abraham Clark, meeting all relevant Constitutional requirements, hereby announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States. In the interests of fair play and full disclosure, I also announce that if elected by the American people, I will declare myself King for Life, with such title to pass on to my heirs as per the traditional rules of royal descent.

To reward the American people for their votes, and let's be honest, to get on their good side, I will enact a wholesale reduction in the size and scope of the federal government. Basically, anything not required to defend the nation, and keep me safely in power, will be done away with, along with the taxes that paid for them. No more federal department of anything, but no more income tax, either. If you hold some portion of the "national debt," don't come begging to me to collect it, since I didn't borrow it from you.

Since I want to be King of America, and not King of the Whole World, I will bring all of my (I mean "our") military forces home from around the globe. Keeping enough troops, ships, and planes to adequately defend America, and my palace in Washington, will cost by my estimate about $300 billion per year. This will be the new Royal Budget (down from the current Royal Budget of $3,000 billion per year), to be collected in gold, as an annual Royal Levy of $300 million on each of the 1,000 largest corporations doing business in the United States. (If people want to keep circulating paper money that will be fine with me, but I won't print any more and I won't accept it in payment of the Royal Levies.)

To maintain the loyalty of the armed services (of utmost importance to any monarch), I will reward them handsomely, give veterans generous pensions and first class medical care, keep them out of needless wars, and pledge to support the most important part of the Constitution they swore to defend, the Bill of Rights. None of my subjects will be denied their First Amendment or Second Amendment rights, and anyone detained by the Royal Police will be entitled to full due process of law, including a speedy trial by an impartial jury, empaneled to judge the facts of the case as well as the law in question.

I might even keep the Congress around for the sake of appearances, with no real duties except to advise me of the will of the people in case all that power eventually goes to my head. The Supreme Court would still be allowed to convene, but only to settle disputes between the States as originally intended.

Would I make a suitable king? I aim to give it my best shot. I'm fairly well educated, I give a halfway decent speech, I look rather dashing in uniform (if I have to say so myself), and while I haven't attended any state dinners as yet, I would guess that my table manners, tact, and diplomacy rank somewhere above those of the typical Arkansas lawyer, or preacher, for that matter.

My first order of business, after shutting down pretty much every federal department, auctioning off most of the federal office buildings, and instructing my Royal Guards to be on the lookout for the thousands of disgruntled former federal employees, would be to set about the business of creating a royal heir (and a spare or two.) By way of Royal Entertainment, I would launch a national talent search/reality show/beauty pageant, to identify the most promising future Royal Spouse in each state, with the winner (and perhaps a few of the runners up) to spend a night at the Royal Palace, with one lucky young lady to be crowned Queen of America.

If any pro-liberty American citizen objects to any of my proposed platform as unconstitutional, I ask only that they consider whether they would be better off with me as their King, or with any of the other candidates as their President. Much of what the other candidates have planned has no basis in the Constitution either, so if I have to consult with Mitt Romney's attorneys to justify my own plan of action, so be it. And no, I'm not advocating the overthrow of the existing government, just offering to peacefully replace it if the people express that as their will in November.

You can call me King Abraham the First. Or the Second, if you think that more fitting.


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