Big Head Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 554, January 21, 2010

"We don't need permission."

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The Adventures of Modern-Day American Pioneer Woman
by Bob Wallace

Attribute to The Libertarian Enterprise

Characters: Muggers, Muggee, Modern-Day American Pioneer Woman

Muggee: Help! Help! I'm being mugged by public school graduates!

Mugger #1: We're high school drop-outs.

Muggee: How can anyone tell the difference?

Mugger #2: Shut up and give us your money. We want to buy the latest video game, "Kung Fu Atomic Warrior versus Grand Theft Auto Thief." None of us have played it, but we're impressed in advance by all the hype. None of us have much critical acumen, you know.

Mugger #3: Hey, what's that sound?

Mugger #4: Sounds like a cherry-red '67 Camero with dual exhausts.

Modern-Day American Pioneer Woman (roaring up and jumping out of her Camero): All right, 78-IQ nitwits who are so impulsive you can't see two seconds into the future, take a hike!

Mugger #1: Wow! Look at the size of those... uh, yikes! handguns!

Mugger #2: Oh yeah? And how do you plan on making us, little girl?

Pioneer Woman: With this! (points her high-capacity .40 caliber semi-automatic pistol at Mugger #2's pinhead) Now move out of here pronto or your future kids will cease to exist!

Mugger #2: Whoops! I see you have one of those illegal high-capacity magazines, the ones the government has banned to give a boost to crime!

Pioneer Woman: You're right about the second and wrong about the first! Words in a book don't make it law, envious socialist knucklehead! And what you're looking at right here are 18 rounds of Glaser Safety Slugs, frangible ammo that will explode inside of you, making horrible and fatal wounds, but won't exit to injure innocent bystanders!

Mugger #3: This isn't fair! Victims aren't supposed to be able to defend themselves! How the heck do you expect us criminals to make a living if victims can fight back?

Pioneer Woman: Know what handguns were called in the 19th century?

Muggers (chorus): The what century?

Pioneer Woman: Forget what century, government school morons! Guns were called "equalizers" because they made the weakest women equal to the strongest man! And that is why all of you are going to run right now!

Muggers (chorus): Run! Run away! (exeunt, pell-mell)

Muggee: Golly! I've just had an epiphany! I've just ceased being an emotion-driven anti-gun liberal with superficial thought processes!

Pioneer Woman: Ever heard that old saying? A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged?

Muggee: Gosh! You sure aren't anything like those anti-gun feminists I saw in the Million Mom March. Although, actually, I don't think there were anywhere near a million moms there.

Pioneer Woman: I used to be like that, thinking I was a victim, always feeling sorry for myself, blaming everything on men and society, reading Stalinist goofballs like Betty Friedan. Then one day I realized that whenever the government gets involved in anything, and the personal becomes the political, conflict is sure to follow as sure as bloat and incompetence follows government bureaucracy!

Muggee: Wow! Tell me more, Modern-Day American Pioneer Woman!

Pioneer Woman: I used to be Modern American Female, scared of firearms, unable to change a tire or even find the oil dipstick! But not anymore! My very own great-grandma was an American Pioneer Woman, shooting the black hats right off of the bad guys and even putting worms on hooks! Strong, brave, resilient but still feminine, the way an American woman used to be! And can be again!

Muggee: Woo hoo! A modern-day Dejah Thoris!

Pioneer Woman: That's right, former wimp! I realized my software had been corrupted, so I rebooted it and turned myself into MODERN-DAY AMERICAN PIONEER WOMAN!

Muggee: Doublepluswow! I think I'm in love!

Pioneer Woman: Get in line! There're about 300 men ahead of you! When a woman can be feminine but handle firearms, or even parallel park, she'll have scads of men at her command!

Muggee: You are amazing, Modern-Day American Pioneer Woman!

Pioneer Woman: That's because I gave up all that feminist nonsense causing so much trouble between men and women! When the government gets out of their relationships, they fall into their proper place! Why, back in his day Mark Twain wrote that a woman could travel the entire U.S. by herself and the roughest of men wouldn't bother her! That's the kind of society we can have again if the government would just get the hell out of the way!

Muggee: I'm convinced! I'm a changed man! Where's the nearest gun store?

Pioneer Woman: That way, ex-dweeb! Say, it sure looks like your biceps are getting bigger already!

Muggee: Wow! I think they are, too! Thank you, Modern-Day American Pioneer Woman!

Pioneer Woman: Think nothing of, ex-dork! Now I'm off to change some more minds!

Muggee: Yay for men and women who know how the way things should be!

(Next episode, Modern-Day American Pioneer Woman takes on the unshaven-armpit denizens of NOW and exiles all of them to a well-known ancient Greek island.)


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