Big Head Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 556, February 7, 2010

"It is worth everything you are to think for yourself."

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TSA: Too many Sex Addicts
by Francis A Ney, Jr.
Travel Gestapo Editor

Attribute To The Libertarian Enterprise

It hasn't exactly been a banner month for our favorite terrorist organization, the Transportation Security Agency. The name is three lies in one, much like the military MRE, in that it doesn't transport anything, secures even less, and the Keystone Kops run a better agency. And given recent news reports and official reaction to them, it's a good thing that most TSA employees don't carry guns, or there would be even more self-inflicted pedal injuries than there are now.

We start with an eight-year-old cub scout who, due to his parents' unfortunate act of naming him after a real terrorist™ has been subject to the tender non-mercies of the airport smurfs (a reference to TSA's blue faux police uniform shirts) since the age of two. His family has tried for years to clear the boy using the government's own procedures to no avail, even turning to the New York Times for help.

That story would be bad enough, but as usual it takes a government employee to really fuck things up. TSA, for better or worse, has a blog. I'm not sure which tax-sucking genius decided this was a good idea. The participants of Flyer Talk's Travel Safety & Security forum refer to this blog as "Propaganda Village", since there are things posted there that would make the editors of Pravda cringe. The primary spokesdroid at the blog is an induhvidual named Robert Burns, whom the aforementioned forum participants refer to as "Blogdad Bob" as he pretty much acts like the Iraqi Minister of Information in the final days of the US invasion of Baghdad. Well, Blogdad Bob saw the Times article, and proceeded to use his government-paid-for bully pulpit to snark at and ridicule the family. The cub scout's mom promptly returned fire and much hilarity ensued.

Next, we have Classy Smurf, the TSO at Philadelphia International Airport who searched a female college student's luggage and then told her he found drugs. Classy Smurf is no longer a smurf, but no one will say if he resigned or was fired. We'll be seeing more of this case in the future, I suspect: The co-ed's daddy is a lawyer and he hasn't had his shots.

In Orlando, a TSO was arrested for molesting a teenage girl over a period of three years and trying to make her his sex slave. So we now have Pervy Smurf, and many more like him who will be operating the Nude-O-Scope(tm) coming soon to your airport.

If that wasn't enough, another Pervy Smurf working at LAX was just arrested for possession of child pornography. Silly Smurf. All you had to do was wait for your turn at the Nude-O-Scope and send the little kiddies through it. All legal and required by our masters at the Heimatsicherheitsministerium.

We can't trust the TSA to screen their own people, so it doesn't come as much of a surprise when TSA threatens civil penalties on an airport that refused to grant a security clearance to a convicted felon.

So, in addition to your usual thieves, villains, drug warrior wannabes, police academy dropouts and other stormtroopers at TSA, we now have kiddie diddlers and folks who can't keep their leather straps, handcuffs, whips and chains in the bedroom where they belong.

I feel real secure, how about you?

Frank is a computer consultant and professional gadfly. He serves this publication as Travel Gestapo Editor.


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