Big Head Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 772, May 25, 2014

Walton & Johnson. I hereby guarantee
that there is absolutely nothing else
like it on the air or on the Internet.

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Eat It Every Day
by L. Neil Smith

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Attribute to L. Neil Smith's The Libertarian Enterprise

When I get up every morning, I turn the radio on. These days it's actually my smart phone and I "Heart" Radio. I listen mostly to a guy in Denver who has weathered many a storm of political controversy and acrimony.

He's also what Ayn Rand called "muscle mystic" and a total asshole (he'd be the last to deny the latter) and perhaps most disappointing, a surrender-monkey (America is doomed no matter what we try to do). So whenever I get tired and fed up with the same old stupid mantras he repeats over and over, and with his bullying of individuals who have called his show, I switch to another program I discovered about a year ago.

The station I hear them on is KPRC in Houston, Texas. The show is Walton & Johnson. I hereby guarantee that there is absolutely nothing else like it on the air or on the Internet. The pair remind me, by turns, of the Three Stooges, of Dan Rowan and Dick Martin, and of Homer and Jethro. Their program represents the last bastion of true free speech standing against the rapacious hordes of the Politically Korrect Klux Klan, and sort of a redneck Monty Python's Flying Circus.

As with all exercises of genuine free speech, you may not care for the results from time to time. In addition to John Walton and Steve Johnson, who have been together 31 years, you'll hear other voices—voices Johnson creates—discussing the burning political issues of the day or completely trivial nonsense, in surprisingly libertarian terms.

Often explicitly libertarian terms.

One voice is that of is Billy-Ed, who sounds like a reject from King of the Hill, and was originally an engineer, according to the press kit, never intended to have access to a microphone. But somehow for the last 20 years he has managed to get in front of one every day. Billy-Ed proudly resides in his luxury double-wide with his wife Praline.

Another voice is that of Mister Kenneth, who met Walton & Johnson while cutting their hair at his world famous salon "Head Shed", down in the New Orleans French Quarter. Mister Kenneth came on the show in 1984 to demonstrate his George Michael Wham Cut ... and would not leave. He sounds just like every intelligent gay person I have ever known.

Last but not least, Mr. Eaux joined the show in 1983. He met Walton & Johnson while selling them a set of walnut-handled steak knives from the trunk of his El Dorado. Billed as a "militant black", I find that he makes more sense then the other characters most of the time, and Johnson's voice portrayal of him is a radio-acting tour de force. He sounds just like the late Michael Clarke Duncan (look him up).

An occasional guest voice is that of Shirley Q. Liquor (comedian and libertarian Chuck Knipp—I strongly urge you to look him up, especially in connection with RuPaul's enthusiastic endorsement of his act). The unbelievably idiotic public pronouncements of Houston Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee are almost as funny as shirley's, if unintentional.

Kinky Friedman shows up now and again, although I've yet to hear him.

Walton & Johnson wisely limit their news to 45-second segments, but feature daily "taser reports" which seem to be the only thing anyone is doing about this thoroughly evil menace. They are quite jocular about it, while never failing to convey its fundamental barbarity.

They are also mortal enemie of the latest kind of racial witch- hunting in which a person honestly states his opinion about someone or something (an opinion you may or may not agree with, but are obliged, by the rules of civilized conduct, to protect his right to express) whereupon uncounted and uncountable professional minority parasites and the round-heeled mass media—becoming more openly communistic with every day that passes—use whatever he said to deprive him illegally of everything he may have worked a lifetime to earn. If anyone still wonders why I oppose the pseudoconcept of "thick libertarianism", this is what that sort of irrational compost leads to.

Walton & Johnson end their all-too-short program each morning by reminding the boys and girls of America to "eat it every day", perhaps hoping that the boys and girls will tire of what they're being fed and spit it back in the faces of the government and media who fed it to them.

It's going to be interesting to listen to them over the next few weeks as the "Silver or Lead" attempted invasion by the drug cartels into Texas develops. My personal expectation is that these murderous scumbags will discover that, against the best advice of many a bumper sticker, they are messing with the wrong population. Texicans are descended from a people who told a king to go and diddle himself in 1776, and offered an insane military dictator the same advice 70 years later.

Walton & Johnson are likely put it differently, ask where Barack Obama and his drones are when we really—well, nobody really needs Barack Obama, but it makes you wonder what ever happened to cruise missiles. I'd say "Silver or Lead" represents a clear and present danger.

Wouldn't you?

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