Makeover!:

Metamorphosing the VP Into a Real Man

by James J. Odle
[email protected]

Special to TLE

An Open Letter to Al Gore

Dear Al:

           It is not looking good.
           On the one hand you have Bill Bradley climbing in the polls. More and more each day, it looks as if it is Bradley who will secure the Democratic nomination. On the other hand, you have Naomi Wolfe (1) teaching you how to dress, act, think, and behave and you are paying her $15,000 a month (2) to do this. (Al. Al. Al. Isn't that what you have Tipper for? Also, aren't you aware that this is more than your personal salary as VP?) Next I hear that you have been caught weeping during an Ally McBeal episode. If that isn't enough, the dark, dank, putrid cloud that is the true legacy of the Clinton Administration continues to puke all over your presidential hopes and dreams. Worse, Clinton Fatigue has reached the point where even some of the Hollyweird (namely, Warren Beatty and Cybil Shepard) have proposed running for the nomination themselves rather than behaving as the traditional lapdogs of the Democratic Party that they have always been.
           AL. Al. Al. I know that you have tried to distance yourself from what you term 'the extra chromosome right-wing' but this is not the stuff that successful presidential campaigns and administrations are made of! How do you ever expect to secure senate approval of your idiot Kyoto Treaty, deprive Americans of their cars and guns, and continue the Clinton legacy of complete and total disrespect for the Constitution and all things American with this kind of thinking! Looking to a liberal feminist for lessons on how to transform yourself from an beta-male to an alpha-male makes as much sense as looking to the Clinton Administration for lessons in morality, honesty and integrity - not to mention law abiding behavior! It just won't work, Al!
           Al! Evidently you are in serious need of a Makeover! And I am just the man to give you one!
           Now, Al! Let's get something straight right from the start. I don't give a crap about what you look like. During this Makeover process, I will be concentrating on your Inner Man - those vast untapped reserves of manliness that are deeply buried beneath all the liberal crapola that you have been immersed in all your life! It's a daunting challenge, but I am up to it!
           First, let's see if I understand your personal circumstances correctly. You are married and have three daughters and no sons. Perhaps, this is your problem. You live 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, week after week, month after month, year after year in an estrogen rich environment! Now Al, understand something here. Nobody is suggesting that you should abandon your family. That would not be a manly thing to do. But you need to involve yourself in some masculine activities such as auto repair or the shooting sports from time to time. Strap on a hogleg and walk around the White House for a little excitement. It would show the public and your potential voters that you are not a complete wuss. And it might remove from your psyche some of those idiot ideas you have about gun control laws!
           I also understand that your father, former Senator Al Gore, Sr., was so far left of the political centre that he could damn near be called a communist!. He hung out with Armond Hammer who was a communist! No wonder you are all screwed up! The insane, ridiculous philosophy known as liberalism/fascism/communism has been warping your thinking your entire life!
           It is readily apparent that there is a tremendous amount of psychic debris that needs to be cleared away! So lets get started, shall we?

Lesson Number One

           Now, Al. Surely, as a Viet Nam veteran (3) you have a sufficient amount of testosterone to go mano o' mano with Hugh Grant in the masculinity department. Let's not leave anything to chance. Take the "Hugh Grant Masculinity Test" that was a published a few months back in Esquire Magazine. I know what you are thinking. Hugh Grant? Masculinity?!! What is wrong with this picture?!! But, consider this. He has been bunking with Estee' Lauder Covergirl - Austin Powers co-star - Elizabeth Hurley for more than ten years. He is also a former member of the RAF's elite special forces unit [I forget what is called]. And he has a healthy appreciation for firearms, as does Ms. Hurley. Apparently, there is more to the man than meets the eye! Nevertheless, this test will show whether you have sufficient bedrock upon which your eventual citadel of manhood can be erected. [We don't want to build this thing on shifting sand!] Besides, the article is hilarious and everyone can use a few laughs!

Lesson Number Two

           Seriously, we need to talk about your public appearances. Your speeches typically contain two serious defects. 1) You talk v e r y s l o w l y and you use many words of one or two syllables; and 2) listening to you speak is about as exciting as watching paint dry. In short, you are a bore, Al!
           As for your slowness of speech, either you believe that your audiences are dolts and that you need to exercise an extreme amount of patience in explaining your positions or your brain works so slowly that it takes time for your thoughts to manifest themselves in actual sounds! Perhaps, both!
           Here's the problem, Al. Adults do not appreciate being talked down to by people whose own intellectual equipment is highly questionable! You are alienating your potential voters!

Lesson Number Three

           In the achievement of any goal, it helps to have a target to shoot for - a standard by which one can measure one's progress. In doesn't matter in the least if the goal will forever be out of reach. As long as it is a worthy goal, it still serves as a valuable measuring rod by which one can determine one's success.
           In this section we need to come to some understanding of how men handle any of life's many adversities. We will leave political philosophy to the next section.
           Toward that end, examine how...
           Men behave like men in literature
           For extremely idealized examples of men behaving like men in literature we can do little better than study the highly romanticized, larger [much larger] than life, virtually flawless, characters of Howard Roark, Henry Rearden, John Galt, or Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's classic novels The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. These characters give new meaning to the words: ethical, over-achiever.
           If you prefer science fiction, then you may look to Robert A. Heinlein's libertarian classic The Moon is a Harsh Mistress with its fine characters Manuel Garcia O'Kelly and Bernardo do la Paz. You could also look at his other classic, Stranger in a Strange Land with Jubal Harshaw.
           Don't like sci-fi? Then what about mysteries?
           Erle Stanley Gardner created both the Perry Mason series and the Cool and Lam detective novels. Everyone is familiar with Perry Mason and especially Raymond Burr's excellent portrayal of him. However, the Cool and Lam novels are in some ways more interesting than the Mason tomes. For in the Cool and Lam detective novels, it is Bertha Cool who possesses the brawn and Donald Lam who possesses the brains. Physically, the Donald Lam character is a feather-weight who usually looses in any physical confrontation. He has even been given the nick-name 'pint-size.' Lam solves the cases by thinking his way through the difficulties that confront him. Best Cool and Lam novel: The Bigger They Come!
           You might also look at Richard S. Prather's Shell Scott detective series. The character Shell Scott is a somewhat nutty 30 year-old private detective working in Los Angeles who is as tough as nails when it comes to dealing with the bad-guys, but who can also become a complete loon when in the company of women. Sometimes the predicaments in which he finds himself are hilarious. Best Prather novels: The Kubla Khan Caper, Strip for Murder, The Cheim Manuscript, Kill Me Tomorrow and Kill the Clown.
           Do I even need to mention the Sam Spade and Phillip Marlowe characters in the Dashiel Hammett and Raymond Chandler novels?
           Or, you can examine how...
           Men behave like men in the movies
           John Wayne makes an excellent role model for anyone - particularly in The Quiet Man, Hatari!, In Harm's Way, or McLintock. Or how about Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, The Maltese Falcon, or The Big Sleep?
           Al, if these guys are a little to macho for you then there is always Jimmy Stewart (4) in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance or Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.
           And none of these characters are wusses!
           Ah, but these are simply fictional characters! Well then, examine how...
           Men behave like men in the real life
           G. Gordon Liddy in Will. It details his life from childhood to the Watergate era. From his early days as someone who was scared of rats to the man he eventually became by sheer force of Will.
           Or you can read the biographies of Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Thomas Paine, George Washington, Ludwig Von Beethoven, Thomas Edison or others who left their mark on human history.
           What does any of this have to do with helping you to become a man? What qualities do they possess?
           Well, they don't go through life with a perpetual sob in their voices, whining about their lot, blaming others for their personal circumstances, or making excuses for themselves. They accept responsibility for their lives which involves constructive action and not empty verbiage. They fight for what they believe in and for their clients and use their brains and creativity to over come their difficulties. They also have a healthy sense of morality and integrity. Something that is plainly missing in the Democratic Party.

Lesson Number Four

           Al, if you have absorbed the lessons involved in the previous sections, that the linguini which holds you erect should now be transforming itself into actual cartilage. I have strengthened your backbone. Now its time to do something about that brain of yours. Stick with me and your IQ will soar into the upper double digits! No longer will people mistake you for Forest Gump!
           Al, if I were to line up 1,000 people and hand them all two parts of hydrogen and one part oxygen, ask them to mix them together, they do and they all produce water, then do I really need to ask the 1001 person?
           No! Because the experiment has been conducted and the results are in!
           Al, the experiment known as socialism in all of its myriad forms [the welfare-warfare state, fascism, democratic socialism, nazism, and flat out communism] has, at this late date in human misery, oops I mean, history been conducted and the results are in! The results of any future experiments will be mere variations on the socialist theme and thus not much different from what we have already experienced.
           Let us face facts. The Democratic Party is the left-wing socialist party and the Republican Party is the right-wing socialist party. Sure, the Republicans talk a good game where freedom is concerned, but it is all hot air. The truth is, both political parties have adopted every plank of the 1928 Socialist Party platform and have since far exceeded it! Hell, I've heard Republicans taking pride in saving such insane, uneconomic, immoral, financial, not to mention, unconstitutional idiocies such as Social [In]Security And Medicare-Medicaid!
           If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, squats like a duck, floats like a duck, flocks like a duck and smells like a duck, then hey, there is a high probability that it is a duck!
           So, if I say that both political parities are socialist in nature it based on direct observation of their behavior and their voting records. Political speeches and party platforms mean nothing to me. They are vacuous in nature.
           Here are some of the domestic consequences from practicing all this socialism for more than 60 years:

• 1) Health Care costs that continue to spiral upwards, out of control, at many times the rate of inflation;

• 2) The continually rising costs of education coupled with the continued decline in the quality of that education;

• 3) Turning public schools into propaganda mills for those who want to impose their politically correct, social engineering ideology onto other peoples children while neglecting to teach them any real, relevant jobs skills - math, English or history!;

• 4) The cost of that public education continues to climb while academic scores continue to slip. Hell, there are teachers who can not pass the tests they are giving to students!;

• 5) The creation of a dependent class that continually looks to government for their sustenance and which looks upon the rest of us with envy and hostility;

• 6) Urban and school violence and a great disrespect for those in authority [actually there are very few politicians or bureaucrats that have done anything worthwhile to actually earn the respect they demand]. Worse, psychoactive drugs such as Ritalin, Lubock, and Prozac [all of which are closely related to LSD] are being passed out to children by school employed psychiatrists!. Much of the school violence that we have been experiencing lately involves kids who have been using these drugs. Still worse, these drugs damage the frontal lobes and disqualify a recruit from serving in the military for a period of five years after the original ingestion!

• 7) Continual racial and social unrest, part of which is stirred up by the Democratic Party and its agenda of racial, social fear mongering not to mention its appeal to envy and greed. Racial and social unrest is also influenced by the War on Drugs;

• 8) Just open up the daily newspaper or turn on the nightly news and you will see the chaos created by practicing the tenets of socialism. After all, what political philosophy do you think the two parties have been practicing for the last 70 years?

           Ok. This is what has been happening. Now for the background material that will boost your IQ. Check out.

David Boaz: The Libertarian Reader
David Boaz: Libertarianism: A Primer
David Friedman: The Machinery of Freedom
Frederic Bastiat: The Law
James Bovard: Lost Rights: The Destruction of American Liberty
Ludwig Von Mises: Socialism
Ludwig Von Mises: Liberalism in the Classical Tradition
Richard M. Ebeling & Jacob Hornberger, editors: The Failure of America's Foreign Wars
Stephen P. Halbrook: A Right to Bear Arms

           Al, I have always contended that intelligent people learn from the world around them. Nevertheless, in this article I have called you an idiot and an idiot you be. Still you shouldn't feel to bad. After all, I haven't seen a Democratic politician yet who could safely be entrusted with serious thinking! And most Republicans aren't much better!

__________________________
(1) Wolfe has since denied being hired to turn Al Gore into a real man. However, no sensible person believes any spokesman in this administration, at any time or on any subject. Lies pour forth from Team Clinton in much the same way that water pours over Niagara Falls!

(2) This was written before Wolfe's reduction in salary to $5000 a month.

(3) Gore served as a newspaper reporter, for the armed services, in Viet Nam making him a practitioner of propaganda at an early age. During this period he wrote his mother announcing his disdain for the military. He and Clinton are birds of a feather!

(4) Don't waste your time with the Christmas Classic, It's a Miserable [oops, I mean Wonderful] Life! The Stewart character spends his entire life living for others, doing things for them that they should be doing for themselves, while neglecting his own ambition and thus exists in a perpetual state of misery, only to experience one day of happiness at the end. The movie portrays altruism as a good idea.

James J. Odle holds a BS from Arizona State Univerity in Production/Operations Management. He is also a Life Member of Gun Owners of America. He plys his trade in the drivers seat of an eighteen wheeler.

WORLD'S SMALLEST POLITICAL POP QUIZ

Question: which of the following two marijuana initiative options is being advanced by Alaska's Libertarian Party?

(1) Possession up to 4 ounces by an adult in the home would be OK. Medical use would be OK too. And people in jail for nonviolent marijuana offenses would be freed to seek help for their addictions.

(2) Calls for marijuana to be regulated as alcohol is. It also calls for the state to challenge federal laws that would conflict with it and calls for an advisory panel to examine restitution possibilities for people convicted of marijuana-related crimes.

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Answer: (2) is the Libertarian Party initiative, known as "99HEMP". Option (1) is the brainchild of H. Thompson Prentzel III, author and co-sponsor of the Drug Abuse Medicalization, or D.A.M., initiative.

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