The Mourning After, by Minority Mike

Special to TLE

The town council of the Free and Independent Nation of Last Ditch Attempt has officially declared November 8, 2000 to be a Day of National Mourning for the citizens of The United States of America. The proposal was presented to the council by councilwoman Lotta Dedwood and was unanimously approved as a symbol of the sympathy felt for all Americans following their election of a new despot to rule the roost.

The idea for the event came to Mrs. Dedwood after she viewed the televised Presidential debates on local television station KRAP. "My heart goes out to the beleaguered folks of America," said Lotta. "If those two drop-cases are the best to be found in the entire U.S. it's time to put out the fire and call in the dogs 'cause the hunt is OVER. Those poor folks are doomed," sighed the disgusted councilwoman. "Al Gore is so corrupt the Russian Mafia wants to name a saint after him, and he's so dumb he'd screw up a three car funeral. As for George Bush, any damn fool ought to be able to see he's a New World Order muckspout of the lowest order. A day of mourning following the election on November 7th is the least we can do since one of these two empty suits is going to get elected!"

An official statement regarding the event was released to the press by Mayor D. Day. "For reasons unknown to sane people, the folks of The United States perpetrate an incredible hoax on themselves every four years in the name of "Democracy" by having a presidential election. The tragic result of this diabolical scam is that some new bottom-feeder is put in charge of the continuing murder of liberty wherever he can find it!

People with IQs somewhat above the average room temperature know that the federal government and its ring leaders cannot provide liberty. They are in fact in the business of murdering liberty. Federal restrictions—and the criminals that vie for the opportunity to impose them—produce nothing more than additional restrictions and assassins. Since Americans are determined to continue this scam, inexplicably adding yet more government imposed misery to their lives, we felt we should offer them the chance to mourn their duplicity in their own enslavement—as well as let them blow off a little steam in the process. We've got a full day of events planned to ease their pain and we encourage the populace to come on out to Last Ditch Attempt on November 8th where the only thing they'll find with the "Federal" stamp on it is some of the ammunition!"

The day's ceremonies will begin with the Reverend Hollis Lost presiding over the eulogy for the Liberty that died when either of the two candidates was elected. Following the eulogy, the funeral procession will proceed to The Last Ditch Attempt cemetery where liberty along with truth, freedom, integrity, and common sense will be buried en mass.

In an effort to alleviate the pain sure to be felt by all Americans following the election and funeral, a number of events sponsored by the folks of Last Ditch Attempt will be open to the general public. All donations are tax deductible and proceeds will be divided between the town's home schooling families, minus ten percent which will be used to finance improvements on the rifle range at Last Ditch Attempt's Armed Bears High School.

Some of the events featured will include: an open class "Golf-Shoot," sponsored by The Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back). Saloon owner Biggun Stump describes the competition as a combination of the best parts of golf and target shooting. "All holes are 300 yard straightaways. Y'all tee off with a .22 cal. handgun at a distance of seven yards," Mr. Stump explained. "Then yer caddy places a new ball next to the piece of the first ball that landed closest to the hole. "Then ya shoot at the new ball with whatever long gun ya choose. Ya move on down to the hole in this manner with all shootin' bein' done from the tee. First person to plink a piece of the ball into the cup wins that hole." "Now drivin' that ball is fun for all ages," concluded Mr. Stump, "but I�m here to tell ya that puttin' will separate the men from the boys right quick." Libations will be served AFTER the competition and winners will receive trophies depicting Arnold Palmer working out on a .50 cal. All contestants will receive life-sized posters of John Wayne, Roy Rogers or Gabby Hayes.

In the interest of providing a guide for the novice to the idea of liberty, Miss Mobeta Tingler's Gamin' Parlor An' House of Horizontal Refreshment will host a seminar entitled "Voting Your Way To Slavery And How To Stop Doin� It." The seminar will be conducted by Professor Ucan Trustmee who promises to try and explain why politicians are so fond of abusing his name. Free day-care will be provided for the children by Miss Ora Lee Active, who'll be reading inspiring true life stories about what the Founding Fathers really had in mind from Murray Rothbard�s four volume set, "Conceived In Liberty." (Toddlers can nap in the Tipper Gore coma room.)

Madam Dripper's House of Guns & Bait & Wax will be open to the public at no charge. "Don't miss the Government Whores and Horrors Display," says Madam Dripper. "We've got everyone from Lincoln to both Clintons in there and it's right scary." (Children under 12 not admitted to this display since it gives them nightmares.) Tobacco and raincoats will be provided for those with stomachs strong enough to enter the Janet Reno Room where barfing and spitting on the display are encouraged.

A carnival will be held in the town square with food, rides and games for free people of all ages. Participants are invited to try their hand at dunking Ms. Forevera Constant-Buttinski into a 1200 gallon tank of raw sewage. "It's a filthy and disgusting thing to do," said Ms. Constant-Buttinski. "But it's for the children, and my husband pointed out that, since I've been a left-wing pooh butt my whole life, being covered in crap is nothing new to me!"

Local guide and trapper Waylon Upyorn encourages you to shoot a water pistol at a balloon shaped in the likeness of Hillary Clinton, Barney Frank, Charles Schumer or Janet Reno. "Y'all make one of their heads explode an' ya win a copy of Tom Paine's 'Common Sense'," says Waylon.

On the midway you can enjoy the usual rides along with this year's special added attraction, "The Politicians Tilt-A-Whirl." Town physician Doc Croaker explains the ride like this: "What happens is ya climb onto the thing an' all kinds of smoke an' mirrors pop up an' then it starts spinnin' around til ya get dizzy an' wanna puke. Then, just when ya start thinkin' things are gonna be okay, the bottom drops outta the dang thing an' yer left there hangin' in the breeze! It makes everybody sick, but every four years people line up to get on the infernal contraption."

Don�t forget to grab a snack at one of the food stands. There's pizza shaped liked Chelsea Clinton's face, Algore waffles, and Hillary Clinton sour balls. Try a bag of Reno fries, but be prepared for the gas that follows! Then wash it all down with a Teddy Kennedy beer. Just look at the size of the head on that thing! Don't forget to take home a bag of BillyJeff mini-assault-weenies for the family dog.

Mayor D. Day sums it all up by saying, "We want to help folks get over what they've done to themselves on election day. We're not interested in feeling their pain, we want to teach them that they are fully capable of making it go away."

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at [email protected]

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