Special to TLE

Lots of action over at the The Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & bait in the back) the other day. Seems Gung Ho, the local taxidermist, took his wife Pricey an' his daughter Sum in there for Biggun Stump's annual All-Ya-Can-Gobble-'N'-Swill Rocky Mountain Oyster Fest An' Tequila Drink Off. The Hos were gobblin' an' swillin' along with everybody else in town when all of a sudden Pricey Ho looked down an' saw a rattlesnake the size of a pine log crawlin' under the swingin' doors into Biggun's saloon! Pricey walked over, cool as can be, an' started singin' to the critter! I swan if she didn't hypnotize that snake into sittin' still! Next thing ya know she's hollerin,' "GASAKI!!!, GASAKI!!!, GASAKI!!!" Nobody moved except Gung Ho, an' he went over an' clubbed that snake senseless with a pool cue!

"When snake come indoor you must GASAKI," says Sum Ho.

"What's GASAKI mean?" Waylon Upyorn asks her.

"GASAKI," says Sum Ho, "means Get A Stick And Kill It!"

Here's a couple of snakes that might require some serious GASAKI action.

Gas Prices: Pronounced, "gimme yer wallet an' nobody gets hurt." I'm paying $1.68 a gallon for gas right now and I mean to tell you it stings. A friend of mine out in the socialist republic of California tells me he's paying almost $3.00 a gallon and brother that not only stings, it hurts and leaves a mark! I lived in California 30 years ago and I remember a time when the oil companies and the tree huggers were going at it tooth and nail over the Alaska pipeline. The tree huggers didn't want it because they claimed it would decimate Santa's reindeer or something. The oil companies demanded it, claiming it would be the end of all our energy problems FOREVER. Naturally, both sides were hip deep in crapspeak. Santa still makes it to my house every year, and one look at last winter's heating bills proves the energy problem has only gotten worse.

One of two things has to happen here. Either the tree huggers quit whining about alternate energy sources and start coming up with some solutions - or - the people that drill had best get after it. Either way is fine with me, as long as the damn federal government gets itself out of the picture and allows those who can produce a solution to do so!

One thing I can tell you for sure is this - if I have to pay $3.00 or more for a gallon of gasoline this summer, my old pickup truck will be going up on blocks out in the front yard with a "Room To Let" sign painted on the camper shell and Margaret and I will have to steal cars - ones with gas in them - and go rob filling stations for a living. Now that's a hard row to hoe for a fat guy like me and a gentle Suthren woman like my Margaret, so somebody out there please come up with a solution for this problem and save me and my wife from a life of crime! The federal government's "energy policy?" GASAKI!!! GASAKI!!! GASAKI!!!

The Justice Department and The FBI: Obviously the bastard children of the KGB and the Keystone Kops. These people are either incompetent beyond the point of buffoonery, or corrupt beyond redemption. Remember Patty Hearst? Here's a born rich heiress with her face plastered all over television and the newspapers - all over the world - and these clowns took, what ... a couple of YEARS to locate her? Now witness the current debacle concerning the Oklahoma City bombing. Will somebody explain to me how they collared a complete unknown like Tim McVeigh about 15 minutes after that building went down? They can find this anonymous fool quicker than you can say, "Waco," but it takes them two years to find a cardboard box full of evidence in their own building? "Gee, we just now found it," claim the Feebs. "But there's no evidence in there that will change anything."

If you just now found it, how the hell do you know what's in there?

"Oops, our mistake, we knew where it was all the time!"

I doubt those of us alive today will ever know the whole truth regarding that cowardly and murderous act. McVeigh claims sole responsibility, but a monster who would murder almost 200 innocent people can hardly be relied on to tell the truth about anything. With that in mind however, consider this, the FBI and the Justice Department have in their custody a man who not only admits to this horrendous crime, but also gives them the methods and motives for committing it, and they STILL can't convict him without pulling a fast one.

Now ask yourself what chance an innocent person might have with the velcroed stormtroopers bumbling and lying their way along the yellow brick road of "government service." The Justice Department? The FBI? GASAKI!!! GASAKI!!! GASAKI!!!

The two problems I'm talkin' about here aren't really problems at all. They're symptoms of the REAL problem, which is the snake that calls itself the federal government. How do you get rid of a snake? All the Hos will tell ya - GASAKI!!!

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at [email protected] His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

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Gasaki!!!

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LIBERTARIAN

ENTERPRISE

Gasaki!!!

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