L. Neil Smith's The Candy Scamby Debra J. Ricketts
Special to TLE The following essay was inspired by Rev. Jim Huber's work, "Kissing Hank's Ass" http://jhuger.com/kisshank.mv I answered my door today, to be greeted by a fresh-faced youngster wearing a screen-printed T-shirt and an engaging grin, bearing a cardboard case. SAM: Hi, my name's Sam, and my school is selling candy bars to help us raise money for new computers. ME: What have you got? SAM: Chocolate bars, peanut butter cups, and chocolate with almonds. ME: Hm, those look pretty good. How much for a chocolate bar? SAM: How much do you make a year? ME: Pardon me? SAM: What's your annual income? ME: What the hell are you talking about? SAM: I can't sell you a candy bar unless you tell me how much money you make each year. ME: Why? SAM: So I can figure out what to charge you. Duh! ME: Are you kidding me? It's none of your damn business what I make!
SAM: Of course it is. You want a candy bar, don't you?
ME: Not if it means telling you stuff that you don't need to know.
SAM: You don't understand. It's our policy.
ME: But it's none of your business!
SAM: Our school really needs computers, and I can't sell you a
candy bar without that information. You don't want to let down little
kids, do you?
ME: Fine. I make ... um ... $50,000 a year.
SAM: That wasn't so hard was it? A candy bar will be ME: Are you insane?
SAM: What? It's not like you can't afford it.
ME: That's not the point. I can buy a candy bar for fifty cents at
7-11.
SAM: Yeah, but will 7-11 always be there for you? Will 7-11 come to
your door? Will they have your preferred type of candy bar?
ME: If not, I can try the supermarket. Or the gas station. Or a
vending machine.
SAM: What if they all go out of business?
ME: That's ridiculous. Many people like candy, so somebody somewhere
is going to sell it.
SAM: Maybe. But it is possible that you won't be able to buy the candy
when you want to. That's why you need to buy it now, from me.
ME: Not at that price. It's ridiculous. If I can't find it when I need
it, I guess I'll just do without.
SAM: Oh, you say that now. But when the time comes, you'll come
crawling to me, and I may not have it if I have too many people like
you who aren't willing to pitch in now.
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