The Case of the Stolen Supreme Court Nomination
by Jonathan David Morris
jdm@readjdm.com

Special to TLE

PAUL PROVENZA: Hi there and welcome to Kid's Court, Nickelodeon's short-lived late '80s court program, where kids sue their best friends and siblings over trivial childhood matters, inspiring a whole generation of hot coffee cups and frivolous lawsuits. I'm your host, Paul Provenza. Like you, I was surprised by the brevity of my IMDb bio when I looked myself up after reading this column because I thought my name sounded familiar. I could've sworn I starred in Mad About You, but it turns out that was Paul Reiser. Anyway, this week on Kid's Court, it's the Case of the Stolen Supreme Court Nomination. First, let's meet our plaintiff, Just About Anyone Anywhere In America, who claims to be the rightful owner of the open Court seat, which George Bush recently handed to Harriet Miers.

JUST ABOUT ANYONE ANYWHERE IN AMERICA: Hi Paul. Thanks for hearing my case. I loved you in 1997's Plump Fiction.

PROVENZA: Was I in that? And now let's meet our defendant, the current Supreme Court nominee, Ms. Harriet Miers.

HARRIET MIERS: [Looks around.]

PROVENZA: Ms. Miers?

MIERS: Me? I'm sorry. I'm such an unknown entity, even I don't know who I am sometimes. Say, now that I've got me, though, can I ask myself a question? How do I pronounce my last name? The TV says it's "Myers," but to me it looks like "Meers."

PROVENZA: Splendid. Moving right along, here's how Kid's Court works. The plaintiff and defendant will state their case and call a witness. Afterwards, we'll roll out a robot called the Honorable Judge O'Meter, which will measure the audience's applause to determine who won. Basically, it's a popularity contest, which is eerie since Kid's Court went off the air in '89, which was several years before O.J. kicked off the era of popular people getting away with murder. Trust me, folks, there was no way Nickelodeon could've predicted this. One time, I hijacked the Back to the Future DeLorean at Universal Studios, but the only place it took me was to theme park security, where I was soundly beaten with a nightstick and sodomized with a Ghostbusters II mug. Anyway, Mr. Plaintiff, how about getting us started with your opening statements?

ANYONE: Thanks, Paul. Hi. I'm Just About Anyone Anywhere In America. Technically, I'm a metaphor. I'm the answer to the question, "Who would've made a better nominee than Harriet Miers?" "Just about anyone anywhere in America." I represent 300 million equally unqualified people, including immigrants, crippled gay soldiers, and the kids from Good Morning, Miss Bliss who were replaced when it became Saved by the Bell. Just because I'm a metaphor doesn't mean I shouldn't be a Supreme Court justice. You've got a black judge, a woman—why not an abstract grammatical concept? The only reason Bush nominated Harriet Miers is because she's a friend of his. I think that's unfair. I could be his friend, too. I could be anyone's friend. I wish people would give me a chance. They're gonna be sorry when they see me at my high school reunion.

[Audience applauds.]

PROVENZA: And now the defendant?

MIERS: Thanks, Paul. People worry because they don't know a lot about me. They wonder about my stance on abortion. Well, I'm here to assure you I don't know a lot about me, either. I've only met myself once, and that was briefly—in a truck stop bathroom. As for my stance on abortion, my stance is that I have no stance, because I don't even know what an abortion is. Where can I get one? Will they be hard to come by in toy stores this Christmas? I remember shopping for a Cabbage Patch Kid twenty years ago. What a madhouse. When I'm elected Supreme Court justice, there will be a car on every plate and a Cabbage Patch in every garage. Guaranteed. Or my name isn't Paul Provenza.

PROVENZA: But your name isn't Paul Provenza.

MIERS: My point exactly. Free abortions for everyone.

[Audience applauds.]

PROVENZA: Okay, well, moving right along, let's bring out the plaintiff's witness, former Texas Ranger and Baltimore Oriole Rafael Palmeiro.

RAFAEL PALMEIRO: [Taking a seat at the witness stand.] Hi. I'm former Texas Ranger and Baltimore Oriole Rafael Palmeiro.

ANYONE: Mr. Palmeiro, is it true that, like Ms. Miers, you are a close, personal friend of George Walker Bush?

PALMEIRO: Yes. I used to play for his baseball team.

ANYONE: Is it true that the president brought steroids into the public consciousness during the State of the Union a couple of years ago, but when you were busted for juicing this summer, he shrugged it off and believed you were innocent—even after you wagged your finger and furrowed your brow in front of Congress?

PALMEIRO: Yes. I used to play for his baseball team.

ANYONE: No further questions. As a metaphor for all of America, it's clear to me that George Bush is using Harriet Miers, Hurricane Katrina, and the Iraq war to divert my attention from the real issue of this presidency—namely, Rafael Palmeiro. You had it all, and you blew it, Raffy. Three thousand hits. Five hundred homers. A porno mustache. But you just had to throw it away by using steroids, didn't you? And sullying Major League Baseball's good name? Say it ain't so, Raffy.

PALMEIRO: It ain't so, Raffy.

ANYONE: I don't believe you. You're gonna be sorry when you see me at my high school reunion.

PROVENZA: All right. And, finally, Ms. Miers, would you care to call your witness?

MIERS: Yes, Paul. I call Harriet Miers to the stand.

HARRIET MIERS: [Taking a seat at the witness stand.] Hi. I'm Harriet Miers, Supreme Court nominee.

MIERS: Ms. Miers, is it true that your name is Harriet Miers?

MIERS: Yes.

MIERS: And why do you feel that qualifies you to be a Supreme Court justice?

MIERS: Well, because the president said Harriet Miers was qualified, and that's me—I'm Harriet Miers. Quite frankly, that's the only gag the guy writing this transcript has to go on.

MIERS: Well, there you have it. No further questions. Vote for us for Supreme Court justice, and you'll get two judges for the price of one. Beat that, David Souter.

PROVENZA: Okay. Well, finally, we come to the part of the show where you, the audience, get to decide who won this thing. We dusted off the Honorable Judge O'Meter to measure your applause, but it doesn't seem to be working. We tried blowing on it and everything—which usually worked for Duck Hunt and Gyromite. But no such luck. So, today, the role of the Honorable Judge O'Meter will be played by fellow robot John Kerry.

[Crew rolls out John Kerry.]

PROVENZA: By a round of applause, who here thinks Rafael Palmeiro belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame?

[Audience fails to applaud.]

PROVENZA: And by a round of applause, who here thinks Harriet Miers belongs on the United States Supreme Court?

[Someone in the audience coughs.]

JOHN KERRY: [Leaning towards the coughing audience member.] We have a winner. Ding-ding-ding. I'm John Kerry, and I approve this measurement.

MIERS: Yes! I'd just like to thank all the little people—George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and anyone else who died to ensure me a trial by a jury of my Meers.

PROVENZA: Well, there you have it, folks. A verdict of not guilty in the Case of the Stolen Supreme Court Nomination. Between Harriet Miers on the Supreme Court and Rafael Palmeiro in the Hall of Fame, Harriet Miers on the Supreme Court seems preferable to Just About Anyone Anywhere In America. For Nickelodeon, David the Gnome, and the roomful of chimps that we call an audience, I'm Paul Provenza saying don't do drugs and thanks for watching Kid's Court. Tune in next week for the Case of the People vs. Who Stole a Cookie from the Cookie Jar.

Jonathan David Morris writes a weekly column for The Aquarian and other publications. He can be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.

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