Special to TLE
Every now and then, the writer of this weekly column,
Jonathan David Morris, likes to hand the floor over to
someone who actually knows what he's talking about.
That someone, of course, would be me. My name is
Conventional Wisdom, and this is my mailbag. Whatever
your questions, please feel free to ask me. As always,
I'll do my best to answer them or deflect them to my
liking.
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
My name is the Star-Spangled Banner, and I was written
in 1814 by a fellow named Francis Scott Key. I
understand there's a Spanish language version of me
going around right now, called "Nuestro Himno." I'm
not sure how I should feel about this. After all, I
don't have feelings. I'm just a song.
Upliftingly yours,
The Star-Spangled Banner
Dear Mr. Banner,
You know how men in some cultures will kill their
wives or daughters or sisters if they're raped or have
sex out of wedlock? Well, unfortunately, that's what
you are to me now. You're like a national anthem
that's been raped or had sex out of wedlock. I'm
sorry; I love you, but I no longer respect you. You're
impure. From now on, the new national anthem of the
United States of America is going to be "Suicide Is
Painless," the theme song from M*A*S*H.
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I understand something is happening in Darfur. I don't
really know where Darfur is . . . or what Darfur is . . . or
what it is that Darfur needs help with . . . But I
understand Darfur needs our help with something, and
I'm wondering: Should we help Darfur?
Sincerely,
The Only Guy Who Ever Saw Solaris
Dear Self-Righteous Do-Gooder,
There's a reason why you don't have any idea what
Darfur is. And that's because Darfur—yes, the very
same Darfur your pal, George Clooney, keeps going on
and on about—is actually nothing more than the
nickname for Mr. Clooney's palatial Hollywood mansion.
Yeah. That's right. Darfur is Georgie Boy's very own
Neverland Ranch. No wonder he wants us to help him fix
it. If Clooney had his way, the American taxpayers
would pay for everything—including tickets to go
see Ocean's 69, or whatever his latest movie is. You
want my opinion? (Of course you do. Otherwise you
wouldn't have asked me.) I say we help Darfur the way
we helped Iraq and Afghanistan: With giant freaking
bombs. [Insert follow-up Solaris joke here.]
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Should we be concerned that President Bush chose a
military man to take the reigns at the CIA? That's
something a civilian is supposed to do, isn't it?
Sincerely,
Gen. Michael Hayden, Incoming Director of Central
Intelligence
Dear Mr. General,
Concerned? Why in the world would we be concerned? I'm
more concerned that anyone even knows who the head
of the CIA is. In fact, I'm concerned that anyone even
knows there's a CIA. We really ought to be keeping
these kinds of secrets secret. I don't have a problem
with a military man heading up the Central
Intelligence Agency, but if I were in charge—which
I'm not, but if I were—I would nominate a CIA chief
who was completely and totally invisible. Like me when
I was in high school, or J. Edgar Hoover's Ghost.
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I've just about had it with gas prices. And pollution
is no picnic, either. Can we make some progress on
alternative fuels already? The pain at the pump is
ridiculous!
Sincerely,
Henry in Arkansas
Dear Henry,
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but let's
stop beating around the bush. There's no such thing as
alternative fuels. Alternative fuels are just
something dreamed up by the media to secretly promote
the gay lifestyle. First, they try to convince us
automobiles can run on corn and love. The next thing
you know, we're trading our cars in for something
called Volkswagen Beetles. Where does it end? Give me
rising tides and gas prices over rainbow bumper
stickers any day. I hate rainbow bumper stickers. I
got into a fight with a rainbow bumper sticker once.
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
As I write this, Barry Bonds stands on the cusp of
tying Babe Ruth for the second most homeruns in Major
League Baseball history. We all know that Bonds used
steroids to get to this point. But I guess my question
is, should that really matter? I mean, if he hits
homeruns, he hits homeruns. Do steroids really detract
from that?
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Invented Steroids
Dear The,
Yes, it matters. And let me tell you something else.
If I were Congress or MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, I
would travel back to the 1970s and investigate those
gamma rays that turned Bill Bixby into Lou Ferrigno on
The Incredible Hulk. Grown men turning green and
tearing their clothes off, or hitting more homeruns
than ever before—these things aren't natural. We
need to prosecute anyone who has ever put anything
into their body. Including food. From now on, anyone
who eats food is a bad influence on children and must
be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Jonathan David Morris writes from Philadelphia. He can
be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.
