Your Lawn Looked Stupid This Year
by Jonathan David Morris
jdm@readjdm.com

Special to The Libertarian Enterprise

Can this be the end of stupid Christmas decorations, please? Can 2006 be the last time we celebrate Christmas with giant inflatable snow globes on our front lawns?

I can't take it anymore. I'm not Scrooge. I'm not anti-Christmas, and I'm not anti-decorating for Christmas.

I'm anti-you.

And I'm anti-anyone who decorates their lawn like an idiot.

Here's a list of what I never want to see again:

1. Those giant inflatable snow globes with real "snowing" action.

2. Giant inflatable Santas, snowmen, polar bears, penguins with scarves, Winnie the Poohs, football players, and Thanksgiving turkeys. In fact, if you ever have the chance to put something giant or inflatable on your front lawn, don't.

3. Nativity scenes made from cheap plastic where I can see the yellow light bulb inside the Baby Jesus's head.

4. Any simulation of the Santa Claus character. This includes electrical life-size Santas that turn at the waist as they wave at me, and small plastic Santas perched with reindeer on your roof.

5. Anything that involves the creative arrangement of seizure-inducing blinking lights. Especially if it spells out a seasonably relevant word. Great—you can spell. Try spelling "Hi, I'm a moron" next time.

I'm tired of seeing this stuff when I drive past your house every December. It doesn't make me merry. All it does is make me think you and your neighbors are pathetic (you for having the decorations; your neighbors for living next to you).

I think we've come to the point where people will put literally anything on their lawns as long as it's billed as a "Christmas" decoration. You could sell a giant menorah and write "Christmas" on the box, and people would put it on their lawn for Christmas.

You could put human feces on a stick and tie a crimson ribbon around it, and people would be lining up to drive the sharp end of that stick into the grass outside their house.

This needs to stop. These decorations have "white trash" written all over them. And speaking on behalf of fine white trash everywhere: Your Christmas decorations are giving us a bad name.

For future reference, just because they sell a decoration at the drug store doesn't mean you have to buy it. They sell Trojan Magnums at the drug store, too. I'll bet you're not buying those every Christmas.

Someone should get everyone who wants giant inflatable snow globes to move to a single town out in Iowa somewhere. You would probably be able to see this town from space. But I wouldn't care, as long as I can't see it from my house.

I realize you're just trying to compensate for your complete lack of faith in anything spiritual. But honestly. . . I shouldn't have to look at it.

Jonathan David Morris writes from Philadelphia. He can be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.

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