Special to The Libertarian Enterprise
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Who do you think would make a better president: Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama?
Sincerely,
John Edwards
Dear Ambulance Chaser,
The answer is "Neither." Unfortunately, he isn't running.
* * *
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I saw a bird pooped on President Bush during a press conference last week. Do you think this is some sort of omen?
Sincerely,
The Bird Who Pooped On The President
Dear Larry Bird,
Of course it's an omen. Those droppings were God's way of letting us know George Bush is indestructible. You think Kim Jong-Il or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could've survived such a fly-by pooping? I don't. Hell, Abe Lincoln and John F. Kennedy couldn't even survive being shot in the head! George Bush is rubber, and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off him and sticks to you. I, for one, am glad that bird pooped on his suit jacket. If I had wings, I'd poop on him, too.
* * *
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Hi from the Democrats in Congress. Just out of curiosity, what are your thoughts on benchmarks for the Iraq War? (Don't worry. Our beliefs won't be changed by your answer.)
Sincerely,
We Lied—Our Beliefs Depend Entirely On Your Answer
Dear Enemies Within,
Let me see if I understand this. Back in the day, American downtown areas were decorated with benches. People used to paint those benches and place signs on them that said "Wet Paint." Invariably, middle-aged men would be tricked into sitting on those benches, only to learn, upon standing up, that their backsides had been "marked" by the freshly painted planks of wood. Your idea for ending the war is to build a series of benches leading from Baghdad all the way to the border? It'll never work. Paint dries quicker than you think.
* * *
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
What do you think of Rosie O'Donnell leaving "The View" three weeks before the end of her contract?
Sincerely,
Steve in Wisconsin
Dear Steve in Wisconsin,
I think Rosie O'Donnell's views are reprehensible. Rosie O'Donnell believes 9/11 never happened. She thinks Pearl Harbor was part of a plan to keep lesbians from adopting kids. We're talking about a woman who thinks our troops are just mind-controlled robots following orders from The Great Mind-Controlled Robot Controller In The Sky. I'm glad Rosie left "The View" early. My only regret is she wasn't wiped out sooner—preferably by the asteroid that took out the other dinosaurs.
* * *
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Who do you think should've won "American Idol": Jordin Sparks or Blake Lewis?
Sincerely,
Ryan Seacrest
Dear Ryan Seacrest,
Blake Lewis. Next question.
* * *
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I see JDM is still doing this "Conventional Wisdom answers your letters" shtick. Any chance that's gonna stop soon?
Sincerely,
A JDM Reader, Who Regularly Reads ReadJDM.com
Dear Reader,
Sure. Just as soon as we stop having drinking holidays that happen to fall the day before JDM's deadline.
* * *
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
What do you think of Farmers Branch, Texas, banning landlords from renting to illegal immigrants?
Sincerely,
Don Juan Retardo
Dear Final Question,
All I know is, anyone who tries to sneak in over the Mexican-American border is crazy. Just buy a plane ride to Canada and drive right in over the Rainbow Bridge.
Jonathan David Morris writes from Philadelphia. He can be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.
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