Special to L. Neil Smith’s The Libertarian Enterprise

Well, although my high-priced lawyers strongly advised against it, I’ve agreed to give a statement—on the record—about my own Senate impeachment trial. Several in fact. But I think one should be enough.

Now I have to admit I’m a bit gun-shy because I’ve been under constant attack by the Democrats since even before I took office. They called that first attack Crossfire-Hurricane. Catchy name.

And I of course came out squeaky clean.

Next was the Mueller probe. The FBI used fake evidence—The Steele Dossier—concocted overseas, maybe in Ukraine, and lied to the secret FISA court which most of us haven’t even heard of to get it on.

After $35 million taxpayer bucks and much to the Democrat’s frustration I was once again exonerated.

So then along comes this impeachment turkey. This time they couldn’t even trump-up a real crime. I gave them over a million documents for the Mueller probe.

Now I’m a fair guy, probably the most fair guy in this room but I’m not stupid. When I play by Marquis of Queensbury like I did for Crossfire-Hurricane—and Mueller—and get continually assaulted below the belt, I get tired of pulling the daggers out of my back.

So rather than cooperate again, I made them actually follow the rules and the Constitution to get documents and witnesses and the dodos couldn’t even do that right so they got nothing, nada, zilch.

I’ve been watching the fight over what I can be impeached for. I have to admit while I understand bribery, treason and high-crimes, "misdemeanors" completely baffles me. Spitting on the sidewalk, not paying your parking tickets, those sorts of things are misdemeanors.

Can you impeach a POTUS for parking tickets?

If you leave misdemeanors out though, I do understand both sides of that argument. And though I’m not a constitutional scholar like Prof Dershowitz, I am a genius and so I have a solution.

Incidentally, the Prof used to be on the other side. And he made some really dumb arguments. What was that about?

Anyway, in normal times, so as not to tick off the voters who put me in office, the answer is, you better charge me with a recognizable crime, preferably a high crime, the higher the better. And voters better understand it. And you better have overwhelming evidence. Like Nixon for example.

But if he—ah, or she—gets really out of line, that’s different.

For example, he—or she—orders firearm confiscation thus violating the Second Amendment, forces the members of a particular religion to all wear, say, a yellow six-pointed star, orders construction of concentration camps for any reason or, say, steals all the gold out of circulation and gives it to the privately owned Federal Reserve, authorizes putting our kids in harm’s way without a Congressional declaration of war—stuff like that—you should get him—or her—out of office immediately even though those things aren’t official crimes under criminal law.

So you have two different standards, normal crimes for normal times and things that may not be normal crimes but are so terrible that most people will think they’re way worse than high crimes.

OK, problem solved.

Now the House Democrats haven’t charged me with a crime, high, medium, or, low and despite the soap opera, drama, histrionics and hysterics, most people—if they even know what it is—don’t think what I’ve been accused of, even if I did it, is worse than a high-crime. Is it even as bad as not paying your traffic tickets?

And I didn’t do it anyway.

And it’s all democrats which even Nadler testified was a bad idea ten years ago. It ticks off supporters big time, he said. It may cause violence.

But I like it because it may get me reelected.

But the other side is, could you or should you impeach POTUS for parking tickets? I hesitate to ask the democrats that question because they’d look really silly.

So, since they haven’t accused me of a real crime, and I haven’t started a war without Congressional approval yet, this impeachment hearing is bogus.

And should they decide—some of ’em or maybe even just one—to go after POTUS, can they just send over a demand for tapes, documents and interviews and have my people automatically go for interviews—and send the docs and tapes?

Bassed on Crossfire-Hurricane followed by Mueller followed by this turkey, before too long, that’s all we’d get done. And after the House wasted it’s time, then it would go to the Senate and waste its time doing the House’s homework for them. Just like now.

And this would spread like the Corona virus to future presidents. Now I’ve seen a couple of libertarians who like that idea. They say it would slow down the legislative process which would be a good thing.

In fact, before he passed, bless his soul looking down on us, ah, unless he’s looking up instead, one of your most senior House heros John Conyers—26 terms and 52 years—made that point too.

Since it seems to be all the rage in this trial, here’s the video clip——

So, how do you feel about slowing down the legislative process? Do you agree with Rep. Conyers and the libertarians?

If you don’t have to follow the rules, that’s what will happen.

Feel free to impeach me for any reason—spitting on the sidewalk, etc. Just be sure next time it’s authorized by the FULL house and not just the democratic clique.

Now I don’t expect you to admit understanding my style, but as politicians I’m pretty sure most of you do. You accuse me of telling lies all the time. What is it now, so far, 15,413 of ’em?

Some of ’em really are lies—I’m now a politician after all—but most of ’em are not lies. It’s me thinking out loud—I do a lot of that—trying to motivate the country with positive vibes and setting up negotiating positions. And I do a lot of all four as you may have noticed.

And, as you may also have noticed, I change my mind a lot.

And not to disappoint you, but I don’t have a photographic memory, at least not anymore, so maybe turncoat Bolton over-heard me thinking out loud about the democrats including the Bidens. Maybe the bruises from all those below-the-belt knees and scars from the daggers had something to do with it.

When Joe Biden declared for president in April, I began paying attention to him as any politician would do with an opponent. They call it "opposition research."

Much to my surprise, I saw Joe actually confess, on screen, to blackmailing Ukraine’s president—that was before he was overthrown by a U.S. coup—by threatening to withhold $1 billion in loan guarantees if he didn’t fire an aggressive chief prosecutor who was looking into corruption in a Ukrainian energy company by the name of Burisma.

He bragged, on screen, that as a result of that blackmail, "The aggressive prosecutor had been fired by 6:00 PM, and I released the funds." Like this——

While typical for U.S. foreign policy, should you brag about it on TV?

Along with everyone else, Joe too had been investigating corruption in Ukraine, touted by many as "the most corrupt country in the world." He was Obama’s VP—and point-man for that investigation starting in 2014.

There were also rumors about the CloudStrike server being in Ukraine, and as my razor-sharp lawyers discovered, three Senators in this very room, sent letters vaguely threatening Ukraine if it didn’t help the Mueller probe dig up dirt on me.

So I sent Rudy to Ukraine to do more opposition research. Perfect man for the job. 9/11 Man of the Year, ex NY City prosecutor and mayor and with an international reputation as a gonzo corruption buster.

Three days before that damned phone call to Ukraine’s new prez, a Washington Post article tipped me off that Joe’s son Hunter had a high paying job on Burisma’s board even though he had no skills or knowledge of the business and couldn’t even speak the language.

One source claimed that, with his father’s position as U.S. VP at that time, Hunter’s job was "at best nepotism at worst, nefarious." Did Joe get that prosecutor fired to protect his son Hunter who was on Burisma’s board?

Now that’s clearly a crime. Once I became aware of it, of course I wanted it investigated. Would it help me get re-elected? Maybe, maybe not, but clearly this was a public confession of a blatant crime by a prominent U.S. citizen. Did you want me to sweep it under the carpet? Did you want me to let it go uninvestigated?

And Mueller and the FBI investigated me in Ukraine.

According to the NY Times, traitor Bolton put somewhere in his book that I told him I "wanted to continue freezing $391 million in security assistance to Ukraine until officials there helped with investigations into Democrats including the Bidens."

He might be right. As I said, I get a lot of ideas. And change my mind a lot. And if I did say that, the records show the Ukrainians didn’t get the word and the $391 million in Javelin missiles got to them anyway. Obama had refused to send them.

Now there are a few other things—really stupid things—I need to straighten you House managers out about.

First, Russia isn’t our enemy. Update your internal GPS labels. That was the communist U.S.S.R. which has been gone for more than twenty years. Russia is just our competitor and could be our friend, just like Japan.

Putin and the Russians aren’t dumb. They learned the hard way that central planning and control is a recipe for disaster. They want the best for themselves just like we do which means a free-market voluntary exchange economy. Sometimes I think we’ve forgotten.

Second, I know that we play fast and loose with the word "war." After all, despite the Korean War, the Vietnam War, two Iraq Wars, the Afghanistan War, etc. according to the Constitution, we haven’ t been legally at war since September 12, 1945, when the Japanese surrendered to Mountbatten in Singapore, ending World War II.

Yes, I’m an ace historian too.

But most of the rest of the world takes war more seriously. So here’s a heads-up: The governments of Russia and Ukraine don’t think they’re at war.

Perhaps you know better than they do because you can read their minds? Like you’ve been doing all week?

BTW, where did you get your mind-reading credentials? Or was it remote technical viewing? I’ve been thinking of starting a university and I want to be sure not to make your mistake.

Third, stop trying to turn Russia from a competitor and maybe a friend into an enemy.

It works like this— Think of someone as an enemy and you will treat them as an enemy. Reacting to your treatment, they will treat you likewise.

Why have you been following that script with Russia?

They have nukes you morons.

Maybe it’s because you haven’t updated your internal GPS labels?

But thanks for pointing out that Ukraine was the tip of the spear protecting us from our fearasome competitor Russia and that a few days delay in sending the Javelins—the ones Obama wouldn’t send—endangered our national security. I did’t realize we were in such a precarious and dire position and since you pointed that out, I’ve been thinking of moving into the bunker and putting our military at DEFCON 2.

Hey, who says I don’t have a sense of humor?

BTW, when the voters fire you for this fiasco, you should include "expert at making mountains out of mole hills " on your resume.

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L. Reichard White [send him mail] taught physics, designed and built a house, ran for Nevada State Senate, served two terms on the Libertarian National Committee, managed a theater company, etc. For the next few decades, he supported his writing habit by beating casinos at their own games. His hobby, though, is explaining things he wishes someone had explained to him. You can find a few of his other explanations listed here