Special to L. Neil Smith’s The Libertarian Enterprise

Hello boys and girls, dragons, minotaurs and tadpoles! There are concepts so obviously and moronically evil, whose proponents use such irrational and ridiculous arguments to defend them, that the only way to comment on them is with gifs. Lots and lots of gifs.

I know you maniacs like it!

This is because when people think closing their minds, ignoring the lessons of history and stomping their little hooves while saying “but I want it” is a rational argument, the only thing a rational human being can do is treat them as they’re acting: like toddlers.

But I want magical democratic
socialism. I want it!

I don’t know about you but I am certainly not going to let myself be ruled by tantrums. I didn’t let my kids do it, and I’m not about to let theoretical adults, some whom I remember used to be sort of sane, do it. You act like a toddler, I’m going to point and laugh.

It will be a bitter laugh, because the aim of your tantrum is to enslave and kill me, my friends, my family and my country. So, let’s say we are not amused. However laughing at you is better than giving you what you’re asking for.

No, this is not a threat. Mostly because we think you’re stupid and impotent. Not because wanting to add to the 100 million plus body count of Marxian ideologies doesn’t deserve it.

So, count yourself lucky, okay?

To begin with, and even though Larry has done this on facebook, let’s talk about what socialism actually is:

Oh, wait! What is this I hear? Socialism is an intermediate stage between capitalism and communism? Okay, then. Let’s figure out what communism is, okay?

Note Merriam-Webster says that it was the official doctrine of the USSR and also that it was a form of Marxian socialism.

I know, I know, I’m being a meanie, because this is what the other side says they want:

I didn’t say those things, I said I
wanted DEMOCRATIC socialism!

You know…. It’s funny because I grew up in a system with SOCIAL democrats, and Christian democrats and well… yes, socialists. Did I ever tell you I once demonstrated to keep the corrupt and horrible socialist leader from being arrested. You see the other two had been arrested, and the Maoists had seized power, and… Never mind.
Back to the topic. What I never heard of, or saw head or tail of, nor even a little hair is democratic socialism. So no matter how much you tell me about it, I’ll assume it’s this:

You want a system in which all assets are controlled in common….. and you want to take them …. democratically. And this is better than normal socialism, because? Do you mean that if a majority votes, or you can fraud enough to vote to take everyone’s stuff away…. people will just LET you? How does that work? Other than with massive force, executions and all the horrors of socialism?

You might want to follow the link on the image. You might also want to follow this link: http://www.paulbogdanor.com/left/rothbard.pdf

What does the DEMOCRATIC before the socialism do? Put party hats on all those skulls?

Look, let’s be honest, if “democratic socialism is where we ALL agree to share everything” you don’t actually need elections. All of us can just share everything, becoming a 300 million strong self-abnegating commune, where — unlike Bernie in the commune he once belonged to — everyone pulls their weight. VOLUNTARILY.

The only reason to have elections, is to capture the government. And what does the government give you? Force. If all those evil capitalists don’t agree to share, you’ll steal expropriate it, because those evil capitalists stole it from the people, right, so you’re just taking it back.

This guy is also a victim of society, doing some redistribution. JUST ASK HIM.

So, how do you intend to have your happy fun “democratic” socialism, which is all happy fun, and everyone gives everything and is taken care of by government?

Yeah, yeah, I know “millionaires and billionaires, and no one should be a billionaire.”

Leaving aside the fact that you are more ignorant of economics than virgins are of sex, do you know what happens the minute you elect your happy fun redistributing MILLIONAIRE socialist, who wants to abolish billionaires?

Before the ink is dried on your happy fun socialist declaration, this is what the billionaires take to go far far away from your rules and expropriation, taking ALL their money with them:

And this is what other countries do to people with lots of money to invest:

And then when you demand that we give you the money we make BY WORKING so you can sit at home playing games and smoking pot?…. er, I mean, working on your art.

And then we too decide to stay home and er…. work on our art.

I’ll have you know all my naps are VERY artistic

After which you get to enjoy equality with everyone else, because what you don’t get to do is enslave us. Which is why in the end all socialist countries look like this:

Because no matter how much you vote that I should work and give you the stuff I work for, I’m not going to do it.

And no, civic duty doesn’t cover that. A vow of poverty, driven by extreme religious fervor might cover that, but most of us aren’t monks.

Unless we’re this kind of monk:

Also, when things are owned by the people, do you know who in fact gets to choose what’s done with them? The people, you say? Oh, you’re going to ask every person in America what they want to do with every paper clip? And how much bread should be made? and which kinds of toothpaste are needed?

No, of course you’re not. So in the end, in effect, things are owned by the people who get to tell you what to do. These people.

Look them up. All of them at some point called themselves socialist. And democrat. Heck, East Germany called itself democratic too. People were democratically free to die trying to jump the wall to a place where they might actually, you know, be able to feed themselves and their children and not be spied on by government.

But you think that democratic socialism is “free”. That means you think people will give you things for free, and you’ll be free to live as you want without, you know, having to work to survive. Working is for those other people who aren’t as special as you are.

Except of course, in the end, your regime is free of food, free of homes, free…. oh, hell, just ask Venezuela.

Which is why we look at your tantrum, and because we don’t want to kill you, we go:

And then you serious intellectual that you are

You bring out the big logic. How can we be afraid of democratic socialism, when without socialism we wouldn’t have anything?

At which point of course we:

Let’s see… all government…. Sounds legit!

Obviously that stood for Socialist Pigs of Rome. The Q is there just for decoration.

Our Military…. As misused as our military has been…. You might want to check that antiquated document, the Constitution, which tells you that one of the few things our Federal government is legally allowed to do is provide for the common defense. If you think the founding fathers were socialists, you should put down the crack pipe. That stuff is bad for you.

Also you know…. These guys had armies:

Millennia before Marx, the Egyptians were socialists! Wow. Considering they had slaves and are rumored to have committed genocide, I can see the resemblance, but no.

Air Travel?

I grant you that the TSA resembles a socialist police system: Venal, annoying, and UTTERLY ineffective. And that socialists put all sorts of restrictions on travel of all sorts. But it’s entirely possible that you don’t understand: restricting things is not the same as inventing them or creating them.

No, SERIOUSLY. Without the TSA
security theater, airplanes
would STILL fly. We CALL
them the laws of physics.
It doesn’t mean government
passed them.

Driving? DRIVING?

Dude, smoking pot in those quantities is
NOT good for you. Restricting things
is NOT the same as ENABLING them.
Check any dictionary.

WATER? Okay, you’re not smoking pot. You’re sniffing glue.

Look, socialists are not saints,
who make water bubble up from the
Earth. AND again, DUDE, the laws
of physics are not laws in
the LEGAL sense.

Public schools…. Er…. No. I mean, those existed under the Kaiser, who last I checked wasn’– You know what? That’s fine. You want to claim public schools are socialism? Fine. Take the public schools away. I think kids will learn more by running wild and painting graffiti than they do in public schools. At least they won’t be taught socialist propaganda. So, without socialism, not public schools? Oh, let me see…

Big bank bailouts.
Wait. You think that non-leftists WANT big bank bailouts?

Border patrol?????
Wait, what? PUT DOWN THE METH. There have been border patrols/guards since there have been humans. Even before humans. Chimps keep watch for other bands impinging on their territory, so I presume hominids did too. And no, that’s not socialism. If it were every monarchy would be socialist.

While he was a petty tyrant and stole a lot of money, AND had border patrols, he was not a — You know what? Sure, why not? You want to claim him? Sure, let’s call him a socialist. It still doesn’t make border patrols socialist. Particularly not “INTERNATIONAL and no borders socialist.”

TV and Radio? What the actual hell? Even meth doesn’t explain that. TV AND RADIO? Yeah, government (which note, is not the same as socialism) does regulate the airwaves, it certainly is not needed for TV and Radio to exist.
Look, I’m just not getting through to you, am I? Let me show you.

See? I know that dictionaries are full of white privilege and stuff, but trust me on this, words mean things. And those two are not the same.

Also, btw, in socialism, radio and TV are not only tightly regulated, they’re CONTROLLED. And that’s if you can afford a TV you filthy kulak.

Cell phones?

Refer to that definition above. Just because government regulates cell phones, it doesn’t make cell phones the PRODUCT of regulation, or of government, much less of socialism.

Police, fire protection, etc…. WHAT PART OF THAT is socialism? You’re joking, right?

Words have meanings. Socialism doesn’t mean “everything a society does.” Look at the definition above.
Also, all of those predated Marx’s misbegotten ejection from his mother’s birth canal.

And then…. and then, OH DEAR LORD. MONEY. You’re claiming the existence of money for socialism?

Ptolemy IV Philopater Egypt Kingdom 221BC was a …. socialist?????

The Greek Antiochus III was a socialist!

Alexander the Great was a… socialist. Are you for real?

Did it hurt when they removed your brain?

Corporate subsidies are socialism? Well… okay, so you’re claiming crony capitalism as part of socialism?
Fine by me. Cool. It’s not, of course, but it’s a redistribution scheme, and if you want to claim it, I’m okay with it.

Well, nor really. We should stop it. But I’ll allow you to call them socialist.

Federal disaster relief? What the actual f*ck. Which part of federal disaster relief is… Oh, you mean because it’s financed by taxes? So you think anything funded by taxes is socialism? Because you think socialists invented taxes?

I mean, like everything the federal government does it’s inefficient and wasteful, but it’s not — no, really, I must insist — as bad as socialism.

Or do you think charity is socialism?

The INTERNET? No. Sorry. Just no. Sure DARPAnet was a government effort. BUT the internet of cats and porn is NOT DARPAnet.

The internet built by socialists was the attempt at the internet the French were bragging about back in the seventies, which still hasn’t been implemented.

And again, just because it’s built by government, it doesn’t make it SOCIALIST.

A duck, built to government specifications

Patents? WHAT PART OF MAKING INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY PRIVATE is SOCIALISM, which doesn’t allow private property?
That …. might be the most stupid thing I’ve ever read. And keep in mind I’ve read the Communist Manifesto ….. Economic analysis by Paul Krugman, Paul Ehrlich’s predictions and a lot of socialist writers…

And safe food?
Yeah. Well, all the Romanian sausages made with sawdust and G-d knows what were completely safe. Socialism and all. And everyone knows that Communist (remember, it’s a matter of degree!) China is the safest place to get food EVER.

Look, you’ve probably done major brain damage already, but…

If you stop now, you might preserve some brain function, maybe.

So, to summarize: You have no clue what socialism is, and insist on thinking that all government is socialist, but you want to smash the current system of … government and get “socialism?”

You think that regulating something is the same thing as creating it.

You think that a system that forbids private property enforces intellectual property.

You’re completely ignorant of every socialist system ever, and think somehow being voted in (or frauded in) by a majority makes socialism happy fun, and will force almost EVERYONE in a society of 300 million to work like crazy to keep people who don’t want to work comfy. Instead of everyone, pretty much, deciding that work with no reward is not for them, since they’ll get the same either way.

And you want to try socialism, because it will allow you to work on your art poetry play passion….

so much passion!

And you refuse to understand that under socialism, the government and bureaucrats tell you what your “passion” is.

BUT you really think, in your heart of hearts that we’re the only thing standing between you and success? And that you’re only failing because the capitalist system is unjust?

And you THINK that if you help people institute this kind of government, they’re going to put you in charge or at least give you what you want?

And you think that those of us who have experienced socialism before — and there’s a lot of us — are going to let you force us into it again, because you really, really, really want to?

And you know, it’s not your fault. Only someone who grew up in the freest, most prosperous nation on Earth could believe this nonsense !

Only someone who has never had to struggle for anything in his or her entire life could believe that the government is composed of angels wishing to look after him/her.

Only someone who never read or never understood 1984 could think that slavery is freedom.

In any other society, someone so arrant and arrogantly self w3-center and spoiled would have died or been killed years ago.

Congratulations. You are the product of a society so free that you’re ready to join the flock on the way to the abattoir.

#sheeppersisted

Fortunately for you, you pampered and self-deluded “socialist” a lot of us came from elsewhere and we know what socialism means, and to you we say:

 

Reprinted from According to Hoyt for February 21, 2020