PROPAGANDAMERCIAL: Having the Freedom to Endure The War On Terrorism With Flags Waving and Patriotic Bumper Stickers Sticking, by Keith Shugarts

Special to TLE

The Orifice of Strategic Effluence presents the following propagandamercial for your coercive pleasure. Complete now with a vitriol warning system to alert you in cases of imminent vitriol attack.

Have you had it up to here with people who have no respect for your interpretation of American traditions?

Do people who think differently than you scare you?

Do you just wish that people could be forced to salute the flag and sing the Star Spangled Banner correctly?

Then have we got the war for you, The War on Terrorism!

If you were infatuated with the War on Poverty, and loved the War on Drugs, then you are going to go absolutely gaga over the War on Terrorism.

The War on Poverty allows the IRS to take your money, the War on Drugs allows the DEA to usurp your individual sovereignty, and now the War on Terrorism will allow the rest of the government to take anything else we've missed! Doesn't this make you want to go out and fly a flag and put a patriotic bumper sticker on your car - of course it does because we the government said so!

Now you have the opportunity to support the War on Terrorism. In a short time look what we have been able to do! We've totally disarmed all air travelers, federalized airport security, allowed greater access to your private e-mails and correspondence in the name of security, covered the Nipples of Justice, spread our unconstitutional military out across the globe, and denied trials to hundreds of individuals in the name of safety.

This is only the beginning; I mean look at how small the War on Drugs was back in 1973 and look where it is now! We the government plan big things for the War on Terrorism.

Don't worry about countries not wanting to assist us, we will make them want to assist us by tactfully threatening them. Colin Powell and his little red wagon of freedom will go around to all those nice dictators and ask them for their support. And why wouldn't they want to assist us in this war anyway? They will benefit from it because they will be able to maintain their rule over their people, isn't that precious?

For those countries interesting, we are making this special limited time offer!

Do you want to have the United States military act to preserve your government and way of doing things? All you have to do is mention the word terrorists and dial 1-800-Intervention, that number again is 1-800-Intervention and a squad of American military advisors will be on their way to your trouble spots. Get in early for your spot on our escalation specials - that's right, ask for advisors now and we will consider your country for the next stop on our War of Terrorism tour.

Have time to wait? Then we will send advisors and allow you the opportunity to upgrade to full scale American military intervention for free!

The Constitution? We don't need no Constitution; our democracy voted that out of favor decades ago!

Protests? Oh no, we've made this a popular war thanks to our friends in the media!

So call now, call later, we are always looking for an excuse to drop some bombs and make McDonnell-Douglas-Lockheed some more money since we've essentially supported them for the past forty years.

Of course those countries who do not accept this compelling, presumptive, coercive threat, er, offer, will be labeled as terrorist countries and subject to random threats, evil looks, narrowed eyes, the covering of offensive statuary, and bombings.

Are you scared yet? Well you should be! Terrorist, terrorist, terrorist!!!! Look, behind that tree, it might be a terrorist! Hey, I think that guy in that funny looking outfit mailing a letter may be a terrorist! Wait that guy in line ahead of you at the airport is wearing sneakers, he might be a terrorist! Now don't do anything silly like protecting yourself, that would be silly, reckless, and just wrong wrong wrong! Of course you aren't allowed to protect yourself so don't worry about that.

However, please continue to spend your money - what little we the government allow you to keep. Through the Director of Homeland Security, we will issue alerts of possible terrorist activities to keep you scared because as you all know, you are easier to control when you are scared. You are also more willing to give up your freedom and liberty in exchange for protection when you are scared. We just love to hear people say, "Sure, I'd be more than happy to give up some of my freedom for a little more security", that makes us feel all warm and gooshy inside.

And don't worry about being afraid, your fear can be directed towards others and help us in the War on Terrorism. Don't like the way your next door neighbor looks at you in the morning? Well, he could be a terrorist, call the FBI! Does your friend Neil collect guns for what he calls "protection from the state"? Well, he could be a domestic terrorist, call the BATF! Don't like the color of someone? Well, you won't be called a racist; you'll be called a patriot and the INS will be sent to haul them away! Someone doesn't worship the same way you do? You aren't a wacko; you just love your country and the FBI will be there to take them out of their home! We don't care what scares you, just so long as you let us help you, because we want to protect you.

You see, if you allow we the government to protect you, then you are essentially giving up your sovereignty. You are saying to we the government that you would rather be protected than free and well, that just makes us misty.

Of course, with the help of our friends in the media, we will be able to keep this war a popular war. The media will help us define what it means when we are talking about defending freedom. You see it isn't your freedom we the government are defending, it is ours!

Our freedom to go and coerce others using your tax money!

Our freedom to go out and inflict our viewpoint and beliefs on other countries through the State Department.

Our freedom to impose economic blockades on countries!

Our freedom to further increase defense spending and cement the permanence of the military without having to worry about that silly old Constitution!

Don't worry about being able to see unsettling and grotesque pictures on your television set, we won't allow it, and that is not because we control the broadcast standards either through the FCC. I know, I know, some reporters will complain that they are not getting to see the truth of the war - whatever that is.

But you know something, we the government know best and well, that is what we the government are going to tell you. We the government will give the broadcast media nice videos of us taking our time selecting targets, because it is impossible for we the government to kill innocent people - of course this is retroactive to incidents in Serbia, Iraq, Libya, Panama, Grenada, Honduras, Guatemala, Nicaragua, Viet Nam, Korea, World War I and the Sequel, the Indian Wars, the Spanish American War, the Civil War, Harpers Ferry, the Mexican American War, the War of 1812, the Whiskey Rebellions, Shay's Rebellion. Of course you do realize that the United States is a peace loving nature.

So please, give up your freedom, let the government take care of you from cradle to grave - and even beyond. Let go of those crazy notions of individual sovereignty and individual freedom. Turn in your guns, turn in your neighbors, and turn in your free will.

Give into the allure of the War on Terrorism. Yes, that's right, if you were infatuated with the War on Poverty and loved the War on Drugs, you are going to love absolutely adore the War on Terrorism!

We the government thank you for providing us with the money used to create this program. I know, it is hard to do without a great percentage of your paycheck but you should know by now the social benefits of contributing to the government.

All hail our tyrant and chief Mad King George!

Bio: Keith received a degree in History from the College of Charleston. All he really wants to do is to sail, surf, and bum around the beach. Individuals do not need to initiate force or advocate or delegate the use of force.

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