Special to TLE
Hi there and welcome to another fine edition of the
Conventional Wisdom Mailbag. I'm your host,
Conventional Wisdom. You may remember me from such
popular misconceptions as "Mariah Carey's career is
over," "Saddam has weapons," and "Don't worry, those
levees should hold back the water." This week, I'll be
answering questions from several of JDM's astute
readers. As always, no topic is out of bounds—so,
please, feel free to fire away. Ready? On we go.
———
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
How come Dick Cheney didn't get in trouble for
shooting that guy a couple of weeks ago? I shot
someone once, and I went to jail. What gives? Is there
a double standard in play here? Or is this just
another example of the Bush-Cheney White House rising
above the law?
Sincerely,
Someone Who Shot Someone Once
Dear Someone,
Um, hello? Have you read the Constitution? I have. It
says a lot of things in it. But you know what it
doesn't say? It doesn't say that a sitting vice
president is forbidden from shooting a 78-year-old
lawyer named Harry Whittington during a mid-February
2006 quail-hunting trip. So in answer to your
question, sir, no, this isn't just another example
of Bush-Cheney rising above the law. Because,
obviously, what Cheney did wasn't against the law in
the first place. If it was, it would be in the
Constitution. Stop putting words in our Founding
Fathers' mouths.
———
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I find it interesting how you're one letter into this
mailbag and already defending the establishment at any
and all costs. Well, here's one for you: How come the
White House is now referring to its domestic spying
program as a "terrorist surveillance program"? If
that's really what it is, then how come it took six
weeks for them to come up with a more appealing name
for it? Stick that in your memory hole and smoke it.
Sincerely,
George "The Animal" Orwell
Dear Orwell,
What the hell are you talking about? Memory hole?
Domestic spying? It's like you're spouting complete
and utter nonsense here. If you're on the phone with
terrorists, we want to know about it. And if you're on
the phone with your Aunt Tillie, who happens to be
backpacking through Afghanistan or, say, making a
sandwich in her kitchen in Toledo—well, we want to
know about that, too. We're in the middle of a war on
terror here. The president's terrorist surveillance
program has always been just that—a terrorist
surveillance program. I don't remember ever referring
to it as domestic spying. In fact, I don't even
remember ever having this conversation. Where am I?
Who am I talking to? What have you done with my shoes?
———
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
What's your take on this Dubai Ports World deal?
Sincerely,
The Question That Everyone's Asking
Dear Question,
I'm glad you asked me that. People seem to think I'll
defend the president no matter what he does. But
that's simply untrue. Like most of America, I'm
irrationally scared of Arabs. And like most of
America, I'm irrationally opposed to six major
American ports being owned by an Arab company. I mean,
what's next? Selling the White House to the Chinese?
Or the Washington Monument to the guys who filmed
Brokeback Mountain? This is America, damn it. I
disagree with the president's stance here for the same
reason I disagree with his lax border policies. You
see, it's not that I love George W. Bush—it's just
that I hate anyone who isn't like me. There's a
difference, and I really wish folks would give me
credit for that.
———
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Settle a bet for me. I think we're on the verge of
World War III here, but my buddy says we're actually
on the verge of World War IV. How is this possible?
Did I just sleep through World War III or something?
Tell me my buddy is wrong.
Sincerely,
Confused on Sesame Street
Dear Confused,
Your buddy is right when he says a third World War
already happened. That was the Cold War, and the only
reason we didn't call it a World War at the time was
because we weren't sure if we were going to win it
yet. However, looking back, we now realize we got the
numbering system wrong from the very beginning. What
we know as "World War I" was actually the fourth in a
series of six World Wars. "World War II" was World War
V, and the Cold War was World War VI. That represented
the "End of History." And that makes what we're
witnessing now—the growing unrest between the West
and Islam—the first in a series of three exciting
prequels. So you and your buddy are both wrong. This
is neither World War III nor World War IV, but rather
World War I: The Phantom Menace. Thanks for asking.
———
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I'm trying to come up with an emoticon for the Prophet
Mohammed, but I can't figure out how to draw the
turban. Any ideas?
Sincerely,
Dane King, King of the Danes
Dear Dane,
Thanks, but I'll pass @:-)
Jonathan David Morris writes a weekly column on
politics, personal freedoms, and pop culture issues.
He can be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.
