The Statist Interpretation of the Bill of Rights
Darian Worden
[email protected]

Attribute to The Libertarian Enterprise

PROCLAMATION: from the desk of DER SCHULENFUHRER

As the New American Century marches forth, it is essential that our children understand the principles that New America was founded on. Therefore, all eighth-graders shall be required to take a national standardized test based upon the following historical information.

Preamble:

The Constitution is a living document, so we can change what it means whenever we feel like it. Therefore, the Constitution does not mean what it says; it needs to be interpreted by intellectuals according to today's social constructions and random phallic references. This is the only way we can make sense of the Bill of Rights, which outlines privileges the government may bestow upon us at its leisure.

Article I:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religions that do not glorify the state, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press unless a politically-connected group determines that said speech or publications violate limits of decency; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble in the proper Free Speech Zones, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Remember, it's for the children. They must learn to be protected from the world at an early age so they will get used to the State protecting them from the world for the rest of their useful lives.

Article II:

Because the word "people" has a different meaning in this article than it does in the rest of the Constitution and eighteenth century usage of words like "regulate" is so hard to look up, the right of the States to raise National Guard forces to be sent to Iraq shall not be infringed. Thinking of it this way is so much easier than actually reading contemporary documents by the Constitution's framers. Phallus?

Article III:

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. Fortunately we are always at war, so whatever! Standing armies sure are cool!

Article IV:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, but the people must always remember that government intrusion is never unreasonable when it is done for their own good. No warrants need to be issued when an enforcer of the law feels there is probable cause that you're doing something wrong, since they have those special cop senses mere civilians could never comprehend. If the government feels like wasting its time, it may ask some dude in a robe if it's ok to bust in your door at 4 in the morning.

HAVE YOU ALREADY FORGOTTEN THE CHIIIILLLLLDREN???

Article V:

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except when someone in Washington says he is a threat to national security; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself unless a school administrator says he needs a drug test, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, unless he needs to be; nor shall private property be taken for public use or increased tax revenue without a good sounding reason.

Article VI:

In all criminal prosecutions (except for special ones), the accused can get a speedy and public trial, by a jury sworn to convict regardless of their beliefs, and should be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; should be blah, blah, blah, blah; who reads this stuff anyway?

Article VII:

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the annoying inconvenience of trial by jury might be endured, and if a scumbag gets off on a technicality, we'll find another way to get him.

Article VIII:

Excessive bail shall be required only for dangerous types, no fine is too excessive, and cruel and unusual punishments shall only be inflicted on enemy combatants. And yeah, I know they're enemy combatants, just like I knew there were WMD's in Saddam's underwear drawer. Remember, WE ARE AT WAR HERE! Do I need to say "September the Eleventh" a few times for you to remember what kind of world we're in?

Article IX:

Since all rights are the product of identification with some group, this list details all of the privileges subjects gain from being American. For other rights, see the Bills of Entitlements that will be passed by Congress as soon as they finish attaching pork-barrel amendments to them.

Article X:

State and local governments shall reserve the power to make laws regarding any type of behavior not fully regulated by the federal government. In cases of overlapping jurisdiction, various levels of government shall work together to ensure the most effective persecution of offenders. In all cases, federal regulations shall be enforced regardless of other factors.

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