Attribute to L. Neil Smith’s The Libertarian Enterprise

A working paper made public last week by the obscure Dean J. Swift Foundation, reveals a plan to put America back on a saner footing, after more than a year of rioting, violently preventing conservatives and libertarians from speaking publicly, and general irrationality on the part of leftists unable to cope with the reality of Donald Trump’s election to the Presidency of the United States.

The program, affectionately nicknamed “Tree-Bucket” by its DJS Foundation authors and advocates, would focus on “society offenders” of the type mentioned in the 19th century Gilbert and Sullivan song “I’ve Got A Little List” from their smash-hit 1885 operetta The Mikado; or, The Town of Titipu.

West Coast candidates for this historic treatment would include Governor Jerry Brown of California and the Mayor of Oakland, whatever her name is, who are both in violation of federal law and guilty of endangering the sovereignty and security of the United States with their “sanctuary” policies toward illegal aliens. Innocent people have died as a result. Notorious (and annoying) figures like Congresscreatures Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi, and Senator Dianne Feinstein could be included. In time, as the “Tree-Bucket” program begins to run out of sleazy socialist politicians, there are hordes of equally sleazy “celebrities”, like fake environmentalist Leonardo DiCaprio, fake tough-guy Robert De Niro, and fake woman, Meryl Streep to take part in the DJS Foundation’s ballistic program.

Another target group would be the entire city government of Chicago and certain members of the Illinois state legislature, whose blatant and longstanding disregard of the Second Amendment has turned America’s Second City into a charnel house (look it up). Never to be overlooked are the likes of Mayor Rahm Emanuel, a principal charner.

Likewise, according to the DJS Foundation’s paper, further East, individuals such as billionaires Michael Bloomberg, and, even more urgently, George Soros, a disreputable Hungarian immigrant, must be scrutinized minutely for their constant pernicious activity, aimed at undermining and destroying the American republic, its Bill of Rights, and its free electoral system. This is by no means to exclude from the “Tree-Bucket” program the reptiloid Senator from New York, Charles Ellis Schumer and the former Attorney General of the United States Eric “Fast and Furious” Holder, the only cabinet member in U.S. history ever to be held in contempt of Congress.

Finally, there are the South and the Gulf Coast, home to the likes of Texas Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee (who thought that Neil Armstrong landed on Mars), Florida’s sequin-covered excrescence Frederica Wilson, and the ever-popular Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

The observant reader will notice that each of these areas is located on one of the nation’s four coastlines, even the northern one, which is bounded by Lake Michigan, an inland sea if ever there was one. The DJS Foundation’s idea is that, when a candidate is adjudicated worthy, perhaps as a modest homage to the Space Program, he or she will be seated comfortably in a giant trebuchet and launched high into the air, to plummet into the appropriate body of water. Sharks may be an extra, added attraction. Regrettably, Lake Michigan is not known to have sharks. James Hansen, former head of NASA and notorious climate crybaby is a problem. He’s from Iowa.

A trebuchet (proper pronunciation rhymes with “¡Jeb!-boo-shay”) in case you didn’t know it, is a medieval seige engine, or catapult, capable of flinging a dead cow a quarter of a mile or so. Why, I pretend to hear you ask, would you want to fling a dead cow any distance? Because it might just end a seige if it had been rotting for a week and was filled with maggots and you dropped it inside the enemy castle. Knights in shining armor would run out, puking.

These trebuchet (apparently named before plurals were invented) will be thoroughly modern contrivances, three times the size of what the Dark Ages had to offer involuntary travelers, with vast throwing-arms perhaps a hundred yards long, fashioned from shining stainless steel, or perhaps titanium (except for the California machine, which will be made of Pacific redwood), outfitted with depleted uranium counterpoises (because what else are you going to do with depleted uranium if you aren’t shooting it at somebody?). In the case of Michael Moore, unless some serious re-engineering is done, the DJS Foundation may have to be satisfied with a much shorter distance and a lower trajectory.

Saving the best for last, failed Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and her sad old dog, Bill, are from Illinois and Arkansas, respectively. Over the years, they have become “citizens of the world“, or, as we pronounce it, “carpet-baggers”, and could properly be launched from any one of our four national trebuchet.

Or send them to France, where the people have an even better idea.